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Saturday, March 27, 2010

I Can Hardly Wait to See What Happens Next!

There are things that fall outside of our personal expectations.

You know, the stuff that happens to other people in other places but certainly not to us.

Well, to you, maybe. But certainly not to me!

What's that? What kinds of things? Oh, I don't know... Coffee breath, warts, wrinkles, undignified medical conditions, legal and illegal things that shall remain nameless.

Scary things.

The kinds of things that come with living to adulthood.

If you are like me – and I see no reason to believe that you are not – you, too, assumed that these things would never happen to you, not necessarily because you didn’t deserve them but because somehow we were different.

How deluded we've been, you and I.

These are in no particular order.


Stretch Marks: This one surprised me. Silly, when I think about it, since I was a good seven months pregnant when I first saw them… Caught the full picture in a three-way mirror at Sears whilst looking for something – anything! – that would fit. I burst into tears and came out of the room asking my boyfriend, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He knew exactly what I was talking about. “I figured you had enough problems,” he said.

Cellulite: Ah. Another condition I thought would not happen to me. People with cellulite are fat, aren’t they? Or lazy? Or – what was I thinking, anyway? I don’t remember, but I never expected to have dimples on my butt. Oh, well. No use in fussing about it. Others may think of it as “hail damage”, but I prefer to think of it as Braille for the blind boyfriends I’ve yet to meet. I’m sure they’ll thank me.

Gingivitis: Any time you go to the dentist and they suggest that you have work done in either two sessions (half a mouth at a time) or four sessions (quarter sections of the mouth at a time), you know you’re in for Big Fun. Having dental work done in shifts is the kind of suggestions you’ll hear when your dentist diagnoses gingivitis.

All I can say is: Listerine, kids. Listerine.

Practical Shoes: Despite the continued ability to run in three-inch heels, I’ve found that I have become more interested in comfort and practicality than how great those heels make my legs look. I now wear my beautiful heels only at work, not while getting there. I leave that bit of foolishness to the youngsters.

Carry on, Next Generation! Calluses and bunions await you!

Loss of Love for the Horror Movie: This I place squarely on the shoulders of the movie industry. I love a good horror movie. Come on! I dare you! Freak me out! But the movies lately? Pails full of blood hurtled toward the camera or repeated filmed examples of sadism do not make things scary. I can’t remember the last truly scary movie I saw, although I have seen a number that just made me leave the room in disgust.

Beans and Other Gas-Producing Vegetables: Earlier in life I had assumed that this was a joke. I’ve come to find out that it’s not. You can take my word for it or you can learn it for yourself. The lesson I’ve learned? A bowl of chili for lunch prior to a late-afternoon yoga session is a bad idea.

Looking at this list, I think I've found the common link in these things; and here it is: the whispered stories of stretch marks and cellulite are true.

The generation ahead of us – what do they know that we don’t?

Ooh. There’s a horror movie for you: “I Know What’s Going to Happen To You”.

Now that’s scary.


Charlotte Ann said...

Oh Pearl, how you have hit the nail on the head! I don't know why I used to look at the elderly with their canes, crutches and limps and not EVEN consider that I might be one of them someday. Heel spurs! Who woulda though huh? I sit in the podiatrists office and note that 50 people are scheduled to visit today...and tomorrow..and...

I thought I was immune? I was too busy to slow down and think about the day that this might be my future. How silly of me huh?

Pat said...

Oh Pearl, I do so lament with you, especially about the gas, ugh. And...I've now decided not to wear shorts in public any more, but only wear them during exercising. Sad.

I've never been a fan of horror movies, and now even some TV shows are too graphic for me...torture-to-death scenes and other mayhem make me ill and I have to leave the room.

ellen abbott said...

I hear ya. I yawn at buckets of blood.

When my grandgirls gleefully point out all the places hair is growing where it's not supposed to and call me old lady, I cackle and tell them it will happen to them too one day. they scream and run away.

IB said...

I caught my reflection in the mirror the other day; that was a sad and depressing moment. Bags under the eyes, wrinkles and grey hair: not pretty. Oy. The good news? My friends, my wife and I all seem to be on the same runaway train. Sure, we're hurtling towards imminent disaster at the end of the line, but at least we've got company. might as well have a couple of drinks--this is no time for sobriety.

Nuke Girl said...

Pearl, so true! I don't know when it was that I first looked around and saw the 18 year-olds at the mall with their perky chests and their smooth, cellulite-free legs and realized I was no longer one of them, but it was a harsh day.

When you put it this way... isn't life just one big horror movie playing itself out? And aren't we all just that girl? The girl whose been through multiple horrors already but is still walking through the dark woods in apprehensive yet ignorant bliss, waiting for the inevitable Adult Depends Serial Killer to jump out and start slashing away?

Gah! :P

Flea said...

You may have these problems, but I don't. Really. Honest. Ever. Even at 42 and having given birth to three children. Really.

CatLadyLarew said...

"Braille for the blind boyfriends I've yet to meet?" Yeah, that's why I've been perfecting that cellulite! I knew there was a reason.

Charlotte Ann said...

One last thing; I used to frown at the cellulite, the gray in my hair and the legs that were once dancer quality or maybe that was because those young males were just trying to get into....well...anyway, the day came when the appendages began to not operate so well; surgery on the knee last March and the foot this year which really puts cellulite and gray hair in perspective. Now I pray everything doesn't break down and I will smiling welcome that cellulite.

powdergirl said...

And this is exactly WHY I refuse to seen an optometrist.

Just stop wearing your glasses. Darlin', you'll experience a feeling that you're aging in reverse, honest, you'll look a little better with every increment of macular degeneration.

God bless macular degeneration!

The Jules said...

Why all the hoo-haa about cellulite? Is it because other women judge you on your levels of orange peel?

It can't be for sexy reasons because blokes don't give a toss about it. We're generally just too pleased to be near a lady's nethers to notice if it's a bit dimply.

Unless, you know, you could keep Maltesers in there or something.

Yodood said...

Braille for blind boyfriends I've yet to meet"

The load of connotations in that phrase boggle the mind, libido and the future

steelxmagnolia said...

Joints. I thought they were for getting stoned. Not the inability to walk on stones. Who knew getting lubricated could mean so many things to so many generations? Cheers!

Ms Sparrow said...

I remember my first gray hairs, first age spots, my first colonoscopy (baseline at age 50), bone density test... The future is out to getcha, honey!

Pearl said...

To paraphrase Bette Davis, old age ain't for sissies!

You guys are cracking me up -- and some of you are scaring me.



SparkleFarkle said...

Sorry to hear you've become allergic to horror movies. (The other stuff, not so much-- like you intimated, those kind of bombs were bound to drop, we only hope for "much later" when it comes to that stuff.) SAY. IT. ISN'T. SO. It almost happened to me, but fortunately, my daughter Puppet came to the rescue. The Remedy: Asian (especially Korean) horror movies! I kid you not. And, if subtitles scare your biofocals, read MY TODAY'S BLOG ENTRY. It might not be the cure, but it sure couldn't hurt.

savannah said...

thank you, sugar! i was feeling like the damn bottom of the proverbial barrel until i read this! now i'm much better. *sigh* yeah, right...



(y'all make me howl with laughter, hon!)

Jimmy Bastard said...

You had me at chili and Yoga!

Ponita in Real Life said...

I'm with Jimmy... I chortled out loud when I read the chili and yoga bit! Onions do it to me...

I care not one hoot about the grey or the wrinkles, because they happen to everyone. But the spider veins that are messing up my legs are gonna get zapped by lasers soon. I refuse to let road maps ruin my ability to wear shorts in the summer... it's just too hot!

Anonymous said...

Why did you have to remind me of what comes next?

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I like when you get all 'full circle hopey changey' on us. That's just some good writing. I am distressed at the gold you seem to mine from your own infirmities. Way to crush the carefully crafted image there gf! Next you will be telling me that the Batgirl costume hasn't come out of the closet in years. That, madame, is something I just can't abide!

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Your legs look great sans stilettos, Pearly One...

Suzanne said...

no one ever told me that hairs at *ahem* other locations would also turn gray

Madame DeFarge said...

And when you start working with people who are old enough to be your child. That's miserable. Some of these others things have been with me for years, thus proving that I was mature beyond my years.

Simply Suthern said...

This guy list is a bit different.
1. Hair loss. Ya think someone is speaking to yo but it turns out to be the aaaahhhhhhhhh of the follicle leaping to their end. Cowards.
2. Beer gut. Tho I hardly drink beer.
3. The AARP card. Ya throw it away and it reappears the next day in the mailbox. Repeat cycle.
4. Hair farming. Hair grows places it never has nor ever should. But it is healthy and full bodied. Thinking transplant here.
5. With Little A in tow I do get to order the Childs plate and the senior platter. Good Thing!!
6. When did Beans and other Gas producing veggies become a bad thing. I missed that little news bit.

Little Ms Blogger said...

This: "Beans and Other Gas-Producing Vegetables" is the first step in 3 parts..

next step - things that NEVER gave you heartburn now down; and

final step - water is critical in the proper functioning of your intestines.

There is actually a 4th step BUT if it happens get duct tape and cover your mouth with it. It happens when you talk about your daily bowel movement. Seriously, old people talk about constantly and I'm deeply afraid of it happening to me one day.