Once again, ladies and gentlemen, cats and kittens, inboards and outboards, we approach the weekend.
But what does it hold in store for us?
Tea leaves? Chicken entrails? Oddly shaped moles? What do those things know about predicting the future when we’ve got the morning’s iPod playlist?
Come on in! The commute is fine!
Hmm. And the weekend looks fine as well:
One Man Guy by Rufus Wainwright
Keep the Car Running by Arcade Fire
Gratitude by Beastie Boys
Hand and Mouth by Nomo
Yes by Morphine
Kiss, Kiss by Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs
Insister by Tapes and Tapes
So I was laying back the other day, my mouth wide open, staring up at the bright blue eyes of my dental hygienist, when I realized that I could probably pick this woman out of a line up based on her eye lashes and the bridge of her nose.
This makes me happy.
Normally, I try not to think too much while getting my teeth cleaned. It interferes with the experience. It’s best to just lay there, neither fully present nor fully unconscious, letting the event, as it were, wash over you.
I lie to myself a lot. Truth be told, I generally spend the time in the dentist chair casually clenching its arms. Dentistry has come a long way since I was a child, but I still can’t get over the idea that someone might rush in, put a knee on my chest, and just start yanking out teeth indiscriminately.
I push these thoughts away with their opposite: “Isn’t this nice?” I think to myself. “At what other time in history could I ensure that my crowded little teeth get this kind of attention?”
It’s true, you know. Flossing my teeth is an adventure in torque, while my bite impression – particularly the front, bottom teeth – is distinctive enough to ensure proper identification.
Which is why I never, ever, bite during the commission of a crime.
I keed! I keed!
I’ll bite if I have to.
I like to ask questions when at the dentist: Getting many cases of Meth Mouth? How far can gums recede before the tooth falls out? Is that where we get the phrase “long in the tooth”? Can a lot of plaque make your teeth appear to be one solid tooth? Do you guys ever get together with highball glasses of Listerine cocktails and watch Little Shop of Horrors; and if so, do you fight over who gets to sing “Be A Dentist”?
Thankfully, my dentist thinks I’m funny.
And he has yet to put a knee on my chest and yank my teeth out indiscriminately, but that's probably because he can see that I am tensed and ready for just such an event.
13 hours ago