I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

DONE DIRT CHEAP! or Hey, I Sound Just Like That Guy

I’m tired of being on the inside of my head. I need a new vantage point.

I want to be inside someone else’s head for a change.

For example, that guy over there. No, not that one. The one at the juke box. Have you been watching this guy?

“My man!” he shouts at the machine. In this case, it appears that George Thoroughgood is this guy’s “man”. One arm up in the air, faux-clutching what may be an imaginary lighter, our man at the juke box sways, enthralled. “B-b-b-b-bad to the bone!” he stutters.

He raises the beer he’s set onto the bar and pulls deeply from it. He belches. “Thazz mah dog,” he says to no one.

The next hour on the jukebox, however, is devoted, it seems, to the mid-80s; and we endure both the musical stylings of AC/DC and its Number One Fan.

“Done dirt cheap!” he bawls.

“Yeah, buddy,” someone at the bar agrees good naturedly. “AC/DC! Dirty Deeds!”

“Done dirt cheap!” yells/agrees our man at the juke box. He wanders over to where I’m sitting and jams an imaginary microphone in my face.

“Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap!” I yell into his fist. The crowd laughs and I raise my beer.

Why not.

Unencumbered by sobriety or, unfortunately, a belt, he returns to the jukebox, clutching at his droopy drawers with one hand and using the other to alternately direct the music pouring out through the speakers or touch the screen to choose what turns out to be more AC/DC songs.

Now, I enjoy AC/DC as much as the next three-chord-strummin’ rock band, but do they have anything else?

A crowd has gathered around him.

What is going on inside that head, I wonder. What time did he start drinking? Is he imagining that the dancing and singing in front of the jukebox is drawing a crowd, not as a drunken spectacle but in admiration? Why doesn’t he own a belt?

Wait – some of these women actually do appear to be admiring him – so what’s going on in their heads?

Hmm. First I want to vacation in his head – and then I want to vacation in one of those women’s heads.

I’ll bet everything looks different from inside there.

21 comments:

darsden said...

Too Funny! if you ever need a vacation just visit inside my head ;-)

savannah said...

a vacation in that head? yikes, sugar, he sounds as if visiting there would be a nightmare or some really good resource material for a short story! or maybe, i've just seen that guy far too often. xoxoxo

Pearl said...

Dar, I would love to see the inside of your head. :-) I'll bet it smells like flowers and cornbread and would keep me up all night playing cards!

Pearl said...

Savanannah, that guy is everywhere: my neighborhood, your neighborhood, wandering through grocery stores late at night looking for snacks...

Simply Suthern said...

When you are out vacationing in someones head can I vacation in yours? I'd like to see the world as you see it. Such a nice refreshing view. I'll vacuum and water the plants.

Willoughby said...

I think that guy wandered (stumbled) into my yard once. We had to call the police because he wouldn't leave.

If you did get inside his head, I don't think there would be much to see. You might find pictograms instead of words. (Picture of him + beer = smiley face)

MJenks said...

If you're going to have a man to claim, George Thoroughgood isn't such a bad choice.

Kr√ęg said...

See, at the end of a long day of lonely drinking, it's harder to hang yourself if you have no belt.

Secretia said...

Before there was karaoke, there was screaming and singing along to the music, and air guitars, all great fun.

Secretia

dusty said...

This one was pretty cool a little bit more than what some call "coincidence" as I don't use the post on the blog name. But opened one so that I could have the domain alternatinganddirectcurrent

as I was originally dirtclustit or DC. I never thought of the song.

goud won friend!

Patricia said...

"Unencumbered by sobriety or, unfortunately, a belt"

HA. I love that line.

Sweet Cheeks said...

#1
LOL @ Kreg....so funny!

#2
I've been banned from vacationing in someone else's head...because the last time I did it, I was caught erasing their memories...
=]

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

You'd rock even more so then, Hermes/Aphrodite!!!

Chantel said...

Be wary of head hopping.....dear god if you got caught in there while there was swappage of body fluids! (shudder)

Babe, go to Florida.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

It's funny how many times I do the exact same thing. It's like we are twins who were snatched by our REAL gypsie parents and sold to couples across the border.

I watch people in the bar too. Especially in the summer and wonder how they go out in the outfits they do. Don't get me wrong. I like the booty shorts and the halter tops but not on your Uncle Milt.

Oh, and a belly shirt is called that because you DON'T have a belly, not because you are proudly displaying one. GAH!

And you already look horrible in that mini skirt. I don't need to see the whole picture as you dance on the table. I know you must have come in here WITH underware....right?

The Retired One said...

Sounds like you can roam around in his head a while, without bumping into much.....
ha

Lo said...

Fantastic concept, Pearl....you are brilliant.
Dunno about your tastes in music........
Love, Lo

De Campo said...

Just be sure to bail prior to seeing a whole lot of Rosie....

Tempo said...

Yeah, I know him to.. His name is Phil, or Brian, or Gordon (Gordo) and yeah...he's always like that!

Ruthibelle said...

i bet everything does look different form inside those other heads

nice post. you're great with humour.

Marla said...

I can barely keep up with what goes on inside my own head. I can only imagine visiting someone elses. You are crazy brave, Pearl!!