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Saturday, February 13, 2010

Who Needs Scary Movies When There are Painkillers Available?

Here’s one way to get back at someone: Vicodin.

Have you ever taken Vicodin? For those of you who are either pain-free or living somewhere other than These United States, Vicodin is a prescription-needed medication for people suffering from mild to severe pain.

If you like downers – and you like being without pain! – then you’ll love Vicodin.

But like many drugs, it comes with side effects.

You’ve heard the commercials, yes? Side effects may include vomiting, nausea, hot and cold diarrhea, the jimmy legs, rolling stops at four-ways, and the sudden and organic appearance of a third nostril.
But the side effect you rarely hear mentioned is the one that has struck me.

Vivid dreams.

Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Mmm! I’d like the custard, please; and if you could bring me a saucer of the vivid dreams, that would be lovely.
For someone like me, a woman who rarely remembers more than one or two dreams a year, the thought of having one that could be described as “vivid” is absolutely enticing.

Yay! Vivid dreams!

But they’re not “vivid dreams”, are they? No, no, no. “Vivid dreams” is Let’s-Not-Scare-The-Customers talk for “nightmares”.

In the last week, I’ve witnessed, in my Vivid Dreams, a tornado rip through my house, a demon enter my bedroom and lay atop me, and a dune buggy full of ex-boyfriends go flying off the roof of a hotel, their heads exploding in bright – nay, vivid – color on the concrete far below.

I used to enjoy the thought of ex-boyfriends’ heads exploding, but now that I’ve seen it? It’s not nearly as enjoyable as one might think.

I’ll be moving on to another drug soon – and no worries here, people, as this is a monthly problem, nothing more – and am looking forward to experiencing whatever side effects come with the new one.

I’m hoping for sudden joy, fits of laughter until breathless, and inexplicable yet perfectly legal elevations in bank account balances.

I think that’s reasonable, don’t you?

29 comments:

Irisheyes said...

I want the one that increases the bank account too!! Me first. Wait, I don't have a bank account. Crap, back to the vivid dreams for me, I guess.

Ms Sparrow said...

OMG, Pearl! Those Vicodin dreams are called nightmares. It's good you're going to stop taking that stuff because it could ruin your jovial disposition.

sage said...

Are you sure the dream about the boyfriends wasn't just wishful thinking?

I took Vicodin for the first time last spring after having minor surgery on a toe... after my second one, i woke up itching and whizzing (when I realized that i didn't have a cold and wasn't breathing right, I freaked out). That was it for me... I decided to manage with over-the-counter drugs even though the doc called another type of pain killer.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

I'm with Sage! I was prescribed Vicodin after some minor surgery as well, and it made me really weepy and whiney, with NONE of the interesting "dream" side effects you described! I feel gypped!!

Thanks for the smile, as always!!

Jayne Martin said...

Vicodin sent me into depression and crying jags. Give me four Advil any day.

Douglas said...

The doctors take one look at me and say, "Take a couple of aspirin for the pain." On the other hand, I suppose not getting that third nostril might be considered a Good Thing.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Whoa. That is insane! I've taken vicodin before and it did not do anything like that for me. At first it was fab! Loved it and thought it really "took the edge off" of everything, not just the pain. And then the nausea and constipation kicked in.

So, it's back to the Advil and being happy that I don't need to take painkillers regularly.

Good luck finding a better substitute.

OG said...

They prescribe vicodin for "monthly problems" I think I feel my time of the month coming on. May I suggest adderall...it probably won't help the pain, but it will certainly make you more productive which could lead to elevated bank accounts.

powdergirl said...

Ah, so you've read ''The Entity" ?

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Try having those vivid dreams during the day. That was my week. Had to ask the neighbor boy over to babysit me and my daughter. Yup, OTC is my new mantra.

Pat said...

I'd never hear that before about the "vivid" dreams...no wonder they don't mention it in commercials. Yes, indeed, the inexplicable increase in one's bank account would be cool

L.C.T. said...

Haha. I have vivid dreams even without medication! I like your proposed side effects better.

The Good Cook said...

Motrin. Massive doses of Motrin. I had surgery last week and Doctor gave me Tylenol with Codeine. 6 hours of praying to the porcelin princess later - Motrin... OTC for me.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Wow, Pearl, you've had quite a week! I'd never heard those things about Vicodin. I hope the new meds work better.

Fragrant Liar said...

Criminey, I always put Vicodin on my list of allergies. It makes me feel horrible. Now, if we're talking percoset, that's the stuff that takes my pain away. And morphine. Morphine works wonder for female surgery. Otherwise, it's OTC for me too. Four ibuprofen usually works better than anything the doctor prescribes (since he won't subscribe the percosets or morphine).

Hope you're feeling better, Pearl.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Never taken that but we have a thing around here that I call Nyquil Psychosis. It occurs when you take the Nyquil and then fight the effects instead of just taking in and getting right to bed. Those are some of the scariest dreams ever. I have actually REPEATED dreams with all the worst part's intact like my brain decided that it couldn't possibly create anything scarier and just opened up an old file that seemed to do the job the first time.

After my Dad died I took some to sleep and I dreamed he was with B.J. Honeycutt from MASH and the three of us went all over the world looking for a good place for my Dad's funeral and just ended up coming home. Why BJ and not Hawkeye or Colonel Potter? I have no idea. It was so real.

CatLadyLarew said...

Bring on the Vicodin!

Laoch of Chicago said...

At least your subconscious is vibrant and interesting.

Madame DeFarge said...

And we wonder why people take drugs? Sounds like a blast.

Suzyhayze said...

Why exactly is it that qualudes were stolen from the market place? Sheesh.

Secretia said...

What you describe is like the effect of hallucinogens from the days of old...
Don't get to like it too much, it won't be good for you.

Secretia

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Oh and totally off topic and proof that I must be hallucinating at the same time every day - have you ever seen the cartoon 'The Big Snit' - look for it on You Tube if you like Scrabble like I know you do. Notice the letters the two players have. It's very funny. I have had that fish floating in my head for awhile and now I caught it. Much better.

SparkleFarkle said...

Any one who's into blogging should have a stash of Vicodin on hand for when The Block occurs. Vicodin p.r.n, otherwise known as The Technicolor Jumpstart, gets those creative juices flowing again! Works much, MUCH better than Calgon baths. Heck, they just take you away. Yep, I'm more for the vividy of Vicodin!

SparkleFarkled Fun Fact: Did you know Vincent van Gogh, anticipating lack-of-ear pain, took a Vicodin and VOILA! He immediately spat out "Starry Night"!

Jennifer said...

Perfectly told story once again. Hilarious, laughed from the gut Pearl. I've had some wine so it might have affected my perceptions, but nonetheless I feel it appropriate considering the story and all.

Guillermo de la Varner said...

It helps if you crumble the vicodin up and shove it into your anus. Works much faster that way also.

Tempo said...

I'm told there are some herbal remedies for your painful problem...maybe you will need to catch up with Boris again soon. LOL

Reddirt Woman said...

I, too, put Vicodan on my allergy list... Any drug that makes the Tasmanian devil growling and whirling on my neck at my ear while in the hospital after my hysterectomy is not on my list of fun drugs. They should add delusions to the list of possible side effects.

And Guillermo, who would have ever thought of taking Vicodan that way in the first place???

Pearl said...

THe Tasmanian Devil, Reddirt Woman! Wow! Kind of glad I at least did not get dervishing animals!

Collette said...

WOW! I wouldn't want to take them after that either. But they barely even help pain for me. I hope you can find something that helps w/o splattering heads :) (((HUGS)))