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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Wherein I Lose On Style Points, or Even When They’re Not On, I Think About the Olympics

When you hear the reports in the other blogs – and you will – please be sure to mention, somewhere in your comments, that I must’ve really been pushed because you, personally, never noticed a violent streak.

Come on! Do this for me! Tell them I was never violent, dammit!!

Sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Apparently I was not meant to run on less than four hours of sleep.

That’s right, you heard me! Four stinkin’ hours of sleep, and you know why?

Because last night, starting at 1:20 and ending at an obscene hour that dares not speak its name during the work week, the downstairs folk took up door opening and closing.

All the kids are doing it.

Sure there were a couple “slams” in there – I mean, who could resist? – but primarily this was just a matter of wanting a cigarette every 20 minutes or so.

Shhhh. Let’s pretend we’ve been asleep.

Mmmm. This is nice. We should cuddle more often.


You hear that?

That’s the sound, at 1:20, of someone opening the front door, the one directly under your bedroom.

And that? That’s the sound of them pushing the door shut, with a hip, if I’m any judge.

Now let’s wait 20 minutes, shall we?

And there it is! Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the sound of the front door opening again, being shoved shut with a hip and – what’s this? Forget something on the porch? In an unprecedented move, the two-person cigarette-smoking team from the United States has gone back to the porch! Ladies and gentlemen! The Ukrainian judge has thrown his score cards to the ground but the Canadian judge is allowing it!

On and on it went, from bar-close until just before sunrise, during which I drifted in and out of a vengeful sleep.

I began composing eviction letters in my head.

“Dear Inconsiderate Non-Full-Time-Working Nincompoops. How are you? I am fine…”

Sure, I could’ve called them, but why? It did not work the last six times they took up competitive smoking, and I don’t like the odds for the seventh.

The time for civility has ended.

I’m going to need a truncheon, a sleeping bag, and a good length of heavy-gauge chain.

And if anyone asks you, just tell them: You know, she seemed so normal…


savannah said...

damn, tell them they aren't getting their security deposit back if they continue to disrupt your sleep. you know, it's the civility clause in the contract that you added after they signed! *wink, wink* xoxoxo

Nuke Girl said...

By no means am I Miss Manners, but that's pretty rude. And I'm a smoker!

Pearl said...

Savannah, you know, outside of their prediliction for staying up all !@#$@ing night, I like them.

It will hurt me to have to kill them.

But no, the laws are truly designed to protect the renter from the evil landlords. :-) If the market were any better, we would so sell...


Pearl said...

Nuke Girl, I've been known to light up myself; and at that time of night, I can guarantee you that, even in our cold winters, I would be sitting behind a fan pointed out the window and blowing my smoke outdoors...

powdergirl said...

Yo Pearl,
You want I should come over there?

Have truncheon, will travel.

...and then we'll go for a cocktail!

My olympic event?

Co-ed-semi-naked-drinkin', smokin' and fightin'.

The only rule?

Don't wake the neighbors.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Personally I never visit the neighbors with a bag of frozen Valencia oranges. After you beat them to death with them you can make juice and all the evidence gets drinken away.

Anonymous said...

I think you've discussed this previously, and you've talked to these tenants? What don't they get? I've been a tenant for most of my adult life and never treated a landlord like that. I've had landlords (no offense to you :) treat me bad, but not vice versa...

Douglas said...

I think (yes, I am capable of such... occasionally) that, as a landlord, I would have wondered if those sounds were indicative of tenants unloading those rented premises and placing such unloaded objects into a truck or van in order to slip away into the cold, dark, night.

Finding that they were only smoking, apparently a lot, on the front porch I might have just whispered down to them...

"Hey! Pipe it down! Heavily armed people are trying to sleep!"

Pearl said...

powdergirl, and again, Canada takes the Gold!!!

Cal, again. Canadian ingenuity. :-)

unfinished, yes, I have written about these guys before. I believe I also may have mentioned the need to kill them for their own good. I was a tenant for years and years prior to owning myself, and you're right: I would've never treated my landlords the way they treat us (at least in these late-night instances). One of the three seems to have an entitlement issue (her entitlement, of course), and that doesn't help. They received a "cease" letter yesterday discussing the first step in their own eviction.

Douglas, they're up to date on rent, so no worries there, but I do like your quote. :-) I may use it, but I'll be sure to quote you. :-)

Krëg said...

You need a drum set. Be sure to coordinate your practice time to overlap their sleeping schedules.

Also, since they are your downstairs neighbors, I'm sure you could find a way to use gravity to your advantage.

Finally, "Your constant door slamming is playing havoc with our closed circuit cameras down there. Knock it off or we won't be able to capture good footage!"

The mad woman behind the blog said...

You could remove the door. Anything in the rental agreement about providing a door? Though hopefully they have their own utility bill.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

We had incredibly rude downstairs neighbors once, up all night, playing loud music and fighting. After several weeks of this, my husband starting getting up at 5:30 am, placing our stereo speakers face down on the floor, and blaring heavy metal music at high volumes!! I'm not proud of this, but BOY, did it make us feel better!

Thanks for the story! Hope you get some sleep soon!

Jimmy Bastard said...

Shall I send over a few of my sons to keep a swatch on your door of a night hen?

Cloudia said...


But Aloha anyway, Friend!

Comfort Spiral

CatLadyLarew said...

I'd say burn em out, but that probably wouldn't work too well... what with you living on the upper floors and all. (If they had any class at all, they would have at least invited you out for a smoke with them.)

Ugich Konitari said...

The door directly under your bedroom window ? There is a bucket f water just begging to be thrown on the fellows. Will put them out as well as their cigarettes.

Marla said...

Don't worry. If the cops show up....I know nothing!!

SweetPeaSurry said...

Pearl, I totally feel your pain. Being an apartment dweller myself, (and I do believe this will be the topic of my next post) I have upstairs, sideways, and downstairs neighbors. Downstairs? Not a peep. Sideways? Never a problem. Upstairs ... I've either had neighbors that are boinking like bunnies and banging the bedposts to the walls or the current tenant ... who is apparently rolling bowling balls for fun. *sighs* I work nights and I try to sleep during the day ... with the dogs, this is nearly impossible. I try to sleep in the evening ... with the neighbors, this is nearly impossible.

I'm an irritable git today!

♥ Braja said...

But I've been using that "normal" line with people about you for years now....

Pearl said...

What helpful people you all are! The bucket of water idea is delightful. :-) Send your sons, your bowling balls and your Pantera CDs.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'm pretty sure there are no laws against killing door slammers. That's pretty much worse than drowning kittens in my book.