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Friday, February 26, 2010

What’s Up with My Neighborhood, or Pearl Loses Her Cool

Friday’s back, and as we seem none the worse for the wear of the week, why not blunder blithely into the golden-hued expanse of time at the end of it?

Around these parts, we call it “the weekend”.

Oh, but if only there were some way of finding out what we could expect!

But wait! There is!

It’s my iPod! The dulcet tones of this morning’s commute have the following to say about what lies ahead:

Sunny Side of the Street by The Pogues
The Wizard by Black Sabbath
60 Feet Tall by The Dead Weather
Never There by Cake
The Puzzle by Brother Ali
Los Angeles by Frank Black
Top Yourself by The Raconteurs

Wheeeeeeeeee! Any weekend that starts with The Pogues is likely one to be worth writing about.

Let’s see now. We’ve been amusing ourselves the last five or so weeks with the tales of the Jefferson Hillbillies, a motley group of State-assisted renters down the block whose brief foray into my and my neighbors’ lives has been commemorated in both verse and song (witness the ever-popular fireside sing-along known locally as “Them Local Folk-als Appear to be Yokels, or Square-Headed Terry’s Got Yer Ma”).

Today’s tale of deception and droopy pants?

I’m Telling On You!

When we first met the Jefferson Hillbillies (not their real name), they had just moved in, a collection of mattresses and over-sized TVs, a family who quickly set up a ping-pong table on the sidewalk and a makeshift bar (AKA a “cooler”) in the front yard.

From there, we learned of the eldest son’s entrepreneurial spirit, his willingness to ask for your help and/or your cash, his venture into the high-stakes world of the illicit drug trade, and his incursion into the egg-hurling sports.

Boris, as we came to refer to him, had become the turd in the Northeast Minneapolis punchbowl.

I’d had enough.

There are websites, if you know where to look, that will tell you who owns rental property. I know this because I myself own some rental property. In short order, I’d found his landlords.

Dear Mr. Tranh and Associates,

It may come as some surprise to you to find that the people you have rented to at XXXX Jefferson Street have undone much of your hard work.

The new sod you put in at the beginning of the summer? A memory. It is now dirt, the only remaining grass being under the couch that has been in the front yard since June.

The new cement steps leading up to the porch? If we can judge by the evidence before us, it appears a 30-gallon keg was dropped on it, taking out a good-sized chunk. The keg’s dropping, however, does not appear to have affected the keg itself, which is still laying in the front yard.

I recall you adding a new screen door to the front of the house in May. It’s no longer there. Makes you wonder what happened to it.

The neighborhood has been inundated with requests from your tenants for money, rides to the store, and inquiries regarding our desire to “score some green”. I am sure that this is not what Tranh and Associates had intended when this property was rented out, but that is what you’ve got.

This is a good neighborhood. I would hate to have to go door-to-door to let my neighbors know your name and address, as I am sure that both your house’s value as well as ours is important to you.

Please contact me at the number listed below as soon as you can. I believe we can work through this amicably.

Hugs and Kisses,


I received a call from Mr. Tranh less than a week later, who promptly fired his “rental management company” and started eviction proceedings.

I love a man of action.

I couldn’t wait to see the move-out party.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I’ll be here tomorrow as well!


ellen abbott said...

I love a woman of action!

Pearl said...

ellen, I had all I could stands and I couldn't stands no more!

mapstew said...

A woman of action indeed!

Pearl's a slinger! (That's good!)

Enjoy your weekend missus! :¬)


sage said...

Does this have anything to do with my brother calling me from MN asking me to help him move?

Salvage the keg, exchange it for a full one when you throw a party! It would make a great symbol.

Chantel said...

Damn--I think they have relatives at the end of my block.

Oh, but make sure to take in your lawn furniture when the moving truck comes--sh*t you not--I once had some sleezy neighbors pack up my patio when they left! Grrrrr....

Elliott said...

Ah, the sweet taste of victory! Glad to hear of it.

Pearl said...

Map, thank you, brother!

sage, always thinking!!

Chantel, I don't doubt it. I believe I've already written the post (but maybe I didn't? there are so many...) of the people that came through and STOLE THE PLANTS out of my alley. :-) The Plants!!!! Took the little buggers right out of the ground. Blew my mind. I think I said the word "but... but..." a dozen times. Who steals plants??

Pearl said...

Elliott, it was a beautiful day in the neighborhood. :-)

Not The Rockefellers said...

Pearly girl...you kick ass and lucky for you you won't have to deal with the stench of their thawing out :)

All my ipod belong to Pearl.

Peace ~ Rene

Pat said...

I am very impressed---You are definitely a take-charge kind of gal. It's scary to imagine what would've happened to your neighborhood if no one had done anything about it.

savannah said...

if only more people would take that kind of action when it happens, sugar! well done! xoxoxo

Flea said...


We had a similar situation here, but the tenants were the landlord's son and friends. A couple of the adult males in the neighborhood had quiet conversations with them, including a gentleman who knew their father. They straightened up right quick. Action rocks!

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Thanks, I think they moved into the house across the street that the neighborhood affectionately calls the double-wide.
Hm, maybe I need to be a woman of action. Be a lot easier than moving myself!

De Campo said...

Mr. Tranh discovering he had not been invited to the kegger was surely the straw that broke the camel's back.

Jimmy Bastard said...

I've stood many a black pint at the bar for Mr MacGowan, late of the Pogues. He tells tales as brilliant in content about his life as the verses in his songs.

These days he does frequent his oul haunts here in Glasgow on occasion, and the bar is guaranteed to be full when he does.

A master of words...

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Wow! It worked! Yay, YOU!! It was only because of your clever, well-written letter that any action at all was taken, I'm convinced! You inspire me!

Irish Gumbo said...

Holy shite...A classy broad with grit and great taste in music! Whew! Are you seeing anyone?

Oh, wait...I'm seeing someone...and it gets really cold up there, doesn't it?

Dammit. Always a catch, innit?

Still, you should start your own iTunes radio station. The Pogues was aiight, but The Wizard? Ohhh, mannn...:)

♥ Braja said...

I just need to see a post "How Pearly Got Her Groove Back." I need that. And here is the precursor to that post. The perfect lead-in. Don't let me down, Pearl (oh, there's another song....)

One day I shall come here and recognize a single tune on your iPod. Until then, I am the village idiot.....

♥ Braja said...

...but I do have my own tunes....

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Hahaha, I never wanted to admit it but the truth is I believe I have recognized ONE tune on your iPod. You just aren't into geezer rock, apparently.

Douglas said...

The "Jeffersons" moved down here, to a little town just north of my own. A place called Avon Park. I believe they fit right on and were named in the paper as the Nice New Neighbors From Up Nawth and the people to see for various items not readily available over the counter at the Super Wal-Mart or the $1 Store.

Douglas said...

Hmmm..."on" really should be "in", I suppose. I mean, if you're picky about such things.

Cloudia said...

Yay PearL!!!!!!

Aloha, Friend

Comfort Spiral

Anonymous said...

So incredibly awesome...everybody should have balls like you. Congrats, and watch your back...just in case.

powdergirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
powdergirl said...

Kickin' ass and takin' names, thats out girl, Pearl.

Warty Mammal said...

Wow. Way to go!

I'll bet Mr. Tranh was actually glad to get your letter. It has to be rather frustrating to pay for improvements and have them destroyed. If one owns a number of properties, keeping track of them also must be tedious.

Tempo said...

(note to self)
Never, but NEVER piss Pearl off!!

Good on you...but now what will you do for blog stories?! LOL

Anonymous said...

I admire your actions too, Pearl, but please be careful!


Anonymous said...

A take-charge kinda woman! Cool! And I wish I had the brain to write letters the way you did... Muy impressed!

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Don't mess with a Minnesotan Woman!! Damn, Pearl, you are awesome.

I would've expected more from Liza Bean Biter in this situation, though, really.... shouldn't she've been running all sorts of campaigns to drive them out??

The Retired One said...

I love you more and more everyday when I read about you and your life! Way to go Pearl!!!