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Thursday, February 4, 2010

Shout! Shout! Shout! Shout at the Memo!


Good morning, fellow workers.

As we reach the end of fiscal year 2010, I’d like to share my perspective on our progress through what was a very difficult year for Corporate America, outlining what’s to come and offering a parting and helpful tip.

There’s no point in my telling you that the last fiscal year was hard on everyone. While the possibilities of pay increases were tabled for a third year in a row and hours reduced from 40 to 32 with a corresponding reduction in salary, I was compelled not only to cancel the executive’s big-game-hunt-and-human-trafficking extravaganza that has received such accolades in the past but also forced to give up my personal assistant/masseuse/informant Brigitte.

Brigitte – while unable to type, answer the phone, speak English, or walk and chew gum at the same time – was a great asset to this company and will be sorely missed.

On a lighter note, however, the first assistant to squeeze into Brigitte’s stilettos and express the proper interest and/or is willing to sign the legal waiver has a shot at a bonus this year.

Photo applications are being taken at bigbigCEO@lawsuit.com.

Not everything has been difficult, however. We’ve implemented cost-saving measures that have ensured the retention of both a dozen part-time employees and the return of Debauched Fridays. While hotly contested by members of HR whom we shall surely miss, we must remember in these trying times that bartenders, dancers, and, yes, hookers, have been affected as well.

The deal worked between Finance and Big Pimpin’ Inc has proven beneficial to all involved.

Our plans for this next fiscal year include secretly planning to reorganize you out of a job while demanding your fealty; going through your desk drawers after you’ve left for the night in search of those little packets of salt and pepper we know you are hoarding; and our continued efforts to find ways for the executives to be reimbursed for gas, mileage, and lunch whether it is billable to a client or not.

In conclusion, stay the course, keep fighting the good fight, don’t forget that you can take a right on red, and keep your stick on the ice.

Hugs and Kisses,

Management

18 comments:

Secretia said...

We keep getting our asses kicked at work too.

Kabbalah Rookie said...

Ha Ha Haaaa!! Tell it like it is!
And this is why I no longer work for a Corporate.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

The funny thing is...if you're a chemist and you lose your job, the first thing the rest of your labmates do (after feigning grief over your dismissal) is to go through your hood and work space, scavenging any piece of equipment or glassware that they might think useful.

Inevitably, the next guy in is like "what the--where's all the stopcocks and stirbars?"

powdergirl said...

Pearl,
God you're funny. If I was an American, I would vote for you for president.

When I left my work, no one scavenged any of the stuff I left on board my office(truck) in fact, no one would even drive it except under BIG PRESSURE. It still mostly goes out with 'new hires' only.

I was touched, and quite amused to think of how much a pain in the ass that is for the former boss to have a 100,000 dollar piece of equipment that's very under utitlized.

Maybe you should have gone into construction instead of learning to type so well, and pin mittens to jackets?

ICKY said...

It might surprise to know Pearl has been in the construction industry.
We worked together for a while doing hardwood floors. Honestly, I don't know why she left such a glamorous lifestyle.
Besides....you looked so good bent over while you work !!
;P

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Hahaha.

Wait. Didn't I get a letter like this?

Douglas said...

I no longer work (if I ever really did though I fooled `em pretty well for 34 years) and when I retired, I threw away the key to my desk (saved me from cleaning it out). Everything I had in it I stole from the company anyway.

sage said...

You are funny!

troutay said...

Ah yes...
the Red Green memo.

Be happy you have a job we are told.
Do more for less we are told.
After all, we are kind enough to give you a job (that is actually 10 jobs because we laid every one else off and you were the cheapest employee).
Oh, and by the way, you still only have 5.5 hours to do it in.

I would like to tell them where to put their "stick".

Debbie(singlemom;complicatedworld) said...

this was great!!!!! a hard reality yet NOTHING better then smiling about it! and looking on the light side! YOU rock!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

I know. It was so sad when John Thain had his very expensive toilet made fun of. I mean, what's a couple of million to fix up your office. Maybe I should be glad I work at home?

The Retired One said...

Funny as always, Pearl...and oh, so true!

ladyfi said...

Ha ha! Poor Birgitte - and poor you!

Tempo said...

..kinda makes me wonder why I bother getting out of bed in the mornings?...(Oh yeah! it's to go to the loo)

Gadjo Dilo said...

I look forward to the return of Debauched Fridays. Can I get my own parking spot if I also manage to squeeze into Brigette's pencil skirt?

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Both Brigitte and I knew the end was coming when you stopped giving out the free mustard packs and 'whiteout'. You knew Brigitte had a 'problem' with the 'whiteout' but you cold corporate bastards couldn't feed her habit for a few months more could you? We were weening her off the stuff but we all knew the end was close when your 'tough love/cold turkey' management style came into play. That is why I know a Corporation is not a person. People have SOULS. Brigitte sure did. We missed you at the memorial.

Ann's Rants said...

That very well may be my favorite blog post title EVER.

Good lord, you are funny.

Louise said...

Golly I'm glad I gave up working for other people. I can just imagine this scenario, I've been through it soooo many times. V. funny, Pearl!