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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I’m Gonna Need a Million Dollars

Shoot, I know I’ve said it before; but I could really use a million dollars.

First thing on the list to buy with that mil? Electric fencing around the house, the kind people use on dogs, only for people. I’m thinking a little acid (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide) in the drinking water oughta hold ‘em still until I can get those little collars around their necks.

Anybody know where I can get some acid? E-mail me. Put the words “Dave’s Not Here, Man” in the subject line.

The next thing I want to get with my million?

My own bus.

The bus this morning, a bus almost a full hour later than the one I usually take, was just downright low-class. Hard to imagine, iddin it?, a bus with low-class characters on it? I found it hard to believe myself. Frankly, who would’ve thought they’d be awake so early in the morning? But there they were, off, if the vocalizations this morning were any indication, to some sort of Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition.

Things are looking loud for us this year – I like our chances.

I’m gonna hold out on buying the shirt until they make it past the Incoherent and Inappropriately Proud prelims, though. Don’t want to end up like last year. My 2009 Shoutin’ and Poutin’ jersey is just embarrassing.

Next thing I want to get? A professional hair brusher. Not a hair brush – a hair brusher. He can stand behind me at my desk and brush and/or braid my hair.

Wait. No. That’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think?

OK. So it’s between a professional hair brusher and a full-time toady. I haven’t quite decided. I’ve never had my own toady, and I think it’s about time.

You look very nice today, Pearl. Are you losing weight?

Maybe I can get a hair-brushing toady?

So let’s see: electric fencing plus enough collars for my neighborhood, enough acid to get said collars on said neighbors, my own bus, and a hair brusher and/or full-time toady.

The rest I’ll put into mutual funds. Or lottery tickets. Whichever seems more lucrative.

27 comments:

Menopausal New Mom said...

I guess a million dollars doesn't go as far as it used to! Is there such a thing as collars and fencing to keep them out instead so there's more time to blog?

Pearl said...

Oh, it's definitely to keep them out! I want them to be zapped as they walk by on the sidewalk...

I really do need to spend more time writing than I do blogging, though. How am I going to make a million dollars blogging?!!

:-D

Lesley said...

Oooh, a toady! What a great idea. I like it!

Flea said...

Nothing like goals, Pearl. I wouldn't settle for a bus, though. I'd be all about a private train. With a conductor like the one on the Polar Express, creepy eyes and all.

Scrappy Doo said...

Helper monkey???? maybe a
Hairbrusin/sniper/bus drivin/yes,pearl/toady/ monkey?
Wonder how much one of those would set ya back?

I think a sniper monkey would really deter the neighbors and you would not have all the labor and expense of the acid and the fencing.

Pearl said...

Lesley, I know! I'd be the envy of all my non-toady-havin' friends!

Flea, train, huh? Hmmm. I like that. One with a car in the back with elegant meals served by deferential toadies... :-)

Scrappy Doo, all of the comments have made me laugh, but it was the sniper monkey that got me teary-eyed. And here I've been talking about chore monkeys all these months and I didn't think of a sniper monkey?!!! Sometimes, I don't know where my head is at...

savannah said...

damn, suagr! thanks for the reminder1 i have to go and buy mah lot-toe ticket xoxo

Kelly said...

Oooooooh, a professional personal hairbrusher. I want one of those. I love having my hair brushed. Back in high school, the guy I was going out with would come over and I'd just hand him the hairbrush. I think the only reason I went out with him as long as I did (maybe 3 months) is because he would brush my hair. His arm probably was about to fall off but did I care?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Don't! Whiz! on! theee electric fence.

I'm gonna have that in my head all day now.

I was going to suggest just buying yourself a collar, instead of the whole neighborhood, but then you wouldn't be able to get out. That makes no sense. What if you made a collar for yourself that rendered you the only person able to pass through a deadly forcefield you can build around your house? But then, money saved on neighborhood collars is spent on figuring out how to create a deadly forcefield. I just want to help, Pearl. How about alligators?

Berowne said...

"The rest I’ll put into mutual funds. Or lottery tickets. Whichever seems more lucrative."

And neither is, at this moment. :-)

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Don't forget paying down the mortgage so you can boot the downstairs renters.
But then if you're flashin' electric fenses and hair brushers and buses, won't the jeffersons come back asking for a hand out.

Ya just can't win, can ya?

GregoryJ said...

Get a tough toady. One that can discourage the neighbors as well as brush your hair and perform other chores.

Secretia said...

Use the money to stock up on canned goods and good stuff to drink :)

You don't need lottery tickets.

Secretia

unfinishedrambler said...

"I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16QSYESBuRU

Sorry, I can't help myself whenever I hear about what somebody would do with a million dollars, I always think of Lawrence in Office Space. I guess, appropriately with Mike Judge being the writer/director of that movie, I feel a little like Beavis and Butthead. :)

Molly Potter said...

What's a toady?

Wanna go halves on the hair brusher? There's a lovely woman at work that wafts by me and plays with my hair but never for more than about 30 seconds -enough to make me zone out on blissful relaxation but not enough...because...well you can't have enough can you.

Jeanne said...

You always talk about your hair being coarse and unmanageable, but it looks so smooth in your profile picture....

John Hayes said...

I'm thinking 'ludes would work better to get dog collars on than acid would. But that's just me.

Tempo said...

I'm sensing a little resentment toward your neighbourhood Pearl...I'm sensitive like that!
I loved Cheech and Chong way back when, but apparently it's not politically correct to laugh at drug culture these days...or so my girls keep telling me. (I have 3 beautiful daughters whom I embarrass continually) hurrah!

mrwriteon said...

I like the idea of a full-time toady, though an excess of obsequiousness could get tiresome and make me want to cuff him/her about the ear in Dickensian manner.

CatLadyLarew said...

Now you've got me wanting a toady... who also brushes my hair.

Pearl said...

Molly, a toady is a sychophant, a sucker-upper, a continual flatterer... We could go halves on a hairbrusher, and you're right: you can never get enough.

Jeanne, I bought an iron for my hair a couple years ago and it's made a world of difference. Seriously. Makes 'er like silk. Washed and air dryed, my hair is all kinds of fun -- for other people. :-)

So everybody's in on the hairbrusher, is that what I'm hearing?!

Tempo, depending on who's doing them, drugs can be VERY funny. And that's wrong. But still funny.

Oh, and John? You are absolutely right. 'ludes WOULD make the locals more compliant, wouldn't they?!

fingers said...

If you had a million bucks couldn't you just move to a better trailer park...

Warty Mammal said...

You know, there used to be a woman at work who would want to massage my shoulders and brush my hair for extended periods of time. It was flattering at first, then it started to feel creepy. I've since wondered if she was lesbian and didn't feel comfortable saying so. (Not to imply that lesbians are creepy, just that her attentions started to feel that way.)

powdergirl said...

If you got several mil, instead of just one mil, you'd be able to afford a personal body servant.

And you deserve a personal body servant.

♥ Braja said...

Honey just move.

To India!

SweetPeaSurry said...

As Mariah posted that there are currently postings out there (if you're not squeamish) for personal de-lousers ... I'm nearly POSITIVE you can in fact hire a hair-brushing toady!!!

Don't forget to pick up your lottery ticket!

sage said...

Why don't you go for your own helicopter? There was a time in my life when I would have aspired to be a hair brusher! :)