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Thursday, February 11, 2010

If Necessary, I’ll Buy Chocolates

I’m moving from one cubicle to another, an endeavor involving a large cart and going from the 48th to the 47th floor.

Management assures me that this is not reflective of their continued admiration for my work.

And so I have begun packing.

Who knew I had all these Starbucks napkins? No wonder their prices keep going up. One unnecessary napkin a day for the last six years. I can already see my descendants on Antique Road Show, hauling in my collection of vintage napkins. Surely it will be worth money some day?

And these flash drives. What’s on them? Why are there so many? How much can I sell them for?

Ah. And the Simethicone tablets tucked among the pens and binder clips. Simethicone? Why, that’s Extra Strength Gas Relief pills to you and me. Well, mostly to me. A gal with a lunchtime salad preference and an afternoon yoga practice can’t be too careful – or too civil.

I’m like a superhero over here with those pills. Every day, disaster is averted; and yet no one is the wiser.

I don’t mind moving my desk, although I’ll no longer have access to a window and the incredible view I’ve grown accustomed to. I once looked up in time to see an animal the size of a feathered and beaked toddler land on the ledge outside my window. It was hard to grasp. Who expects to see anything this high up?

That hawk – known downtown for her nest on the 49th floor – is enormous. She stared at me in that unblinking way birds have, tilted her head as if to say “sucker”, and then threw herself off the side of the building.

I watched, my face pressed against the glass as she sailed off in search of unsuspecting pigeons.

Honestly, if the opportunity ever arises again to choose a career, I’m going to choose “hawk”.

I'm eager for this move, but it is not made without trepidation.

What if all the things that I’ve heard about the 47th floor refrigerator are true?

And what if the other things I've heard about 47 are true, primarily that the 47th floor people have cooties? Wait – have I had cooties? I think I’ve had cooties before, but what if they’re different cooties?

What if they just don’t like me?

Get a grip woman. This is just silly.

It IS silly, right?

I mean, who wouldn’t like a gal that moves in with five potted plants and seven pairs of shoes? Someone who moves in with her own gas-suppression tablets and both a regular three-hole punch and an electric three-hole punch? Huh?

Huh?

Exactly.

I’m so in.

28 comments:

Lynda said...

Is Hawk a career choice? LOL excellent. I think I need to get me to a NEW careers counsellor... well I suppose any career would be a good one at this stage of the game. Do you think it is still cool to say "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up," when you are over 40?

f8hasit said...

I've heard that the 47th floor is where they send the superstars.
You are definitly IN.
:-)

blueviolet said...

It's going to be a great move! It is, it is!!!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Electric 3 hole punch? How could they not HEART you?

Pearl said...

I know! This can only mean wonderful things are in store for me, right?!

Not to mention I just found a box of 64 Crayons WITH a built-in sharpener!

Still. Maybe I should buy those chocolates, just in case....

p.s. Lynda, "hawk" should definitely be a career option. That and "general amuser". Surprisingly, however, there's really not much money in either job...

The Retired One said...

As long as you are not like the Mumbler in the movie "Office Space" who they keep moving until you are in a closet someplace looking for your stapler. hahaaaaaaaaaa

Pearl said...

Retired One, I hadn't considered the fact that I may be the Mumbler...

This changes everything!

Irisheyes said...

You never told me you had a 64 pack of crayons!! That is a gift that keeps on giving. (Hint, Hint)I am with F8hasit. That is the place where superstars go. There may not be alot of money in "general amuser" but you are doing a service for the rest of us, by making us laugh everyday. BRAVO.

Molly Potter said...

I've heard about the 47th floor refridgerator and I live in the East of England. I am upset for you.

I want to know why you have to move, why somewhere in your organisation it has been decided by someone that you moving is the solution to a problem and what problem that is????? Is it to stop you staring out of the window at hawks or is it because the passing of wind has got to ridiculous volumes on the 47th and you have been seen taking copious gas suppressants?

Don't they know moving is unsettling?

Molly Potter said...

Ah - no - it's yoga. The 47th is after your yoga.

Molly Potter said...

And has anyone considered 48th's feelings in all this?

or the hawk's?

Molly Potter said...

What are cooties again?

Molly Potter said...

I think I might be a little unsettled.

Krëg said...

Ah the number 47...
It's a Lucas prime and a Keith number. It's both non-palindromic and highly cototient.
Make sure to tell EVERYONE on your new floor these things, as that will only foster immediate respect and understanding.

Also, tell them you'd love to give someone an electric hole or three. Instant ice-breaker.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Just think, you could sleep in a whole 15 seconds longer! (shorter elevator ride?!?!?)
Oh, and in case you work thru your simethecone supply, I hear the stairwell is a great place to break wind...as long as you're moving, of course.

Marla said...

The 47th floor?? Isn't that like reaching Nirvana in the Cube Farm world? I think I heard that somewhere.

Secretia said...

You'd be a good office neighbor with credentials like that!

Jimmy Bastard said...

What in the name of god is a cootie?

Pearl said...

Jimmy, while originally meant to refer, I believe, to fleas or ticks or some damn thing, a cootie is shorthand for all manner of frightful personal bugs.

For example, when you were small, everyone knew that boys -- or was it girls? -- have cooties. Eeewwww.

It's the "other". The "other" always has cooties.

My name is PJ. said...

You'll be working among the living and breathing once again.

If you've had any cooties, you're immune.

WrathofDawn said...

That crayon box alone is your ticket onto almost any floor of any office building in the world.

But beware the 47th floor fridge. I've even heard of it and I live in darkest Canada.

Douglas said...

I have never worked above the 13th floor (or below the sub-sub-sub-basement) so I can't relate to this at all. I understand that large corporations in large buildings always have floors that are basically limbo floors. No, not the floor where everyone spends the day doing that dance...

Fragrant Liar said...

The cooties are in the 47th refridgerator. But don't worry, they make a cootie vaccine, so you won't spread it to the rest of us. ;-)

P.S.
I couldn't work up that high. I can hardly look over the edge of the balcony on the 8th floor of my building.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Change. Change is good. Well unless there are cooties involved. Stay away from the cooties.

Debbie(single;complicated) said...

you are SO in...hope its all great! love hearing about it!!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

You had me at gas supression tablets. Always considerate when in a confined space.

I thought moving UP was more important than moving down. Unless you really want to be one of those lobby rats. They will strip the skin off a man in 60 seconds I hear.

You also know that they DO like to group all the cootie carriers together in one place. Easier for the exterminators with their flame throwers when it comes time to clean house. Just saying. Get a little comb and clean yourself up.

I hear the security for that new floor like to wear woman's shoes around at night. So check each morning if they have been stretched out. Those guys got big honkin' flippers

Jimmy Bastard said...

Pearl, understood, and thank you. Cooties like salmon body spray, are never seen, but is widely understood to eminate fae the female gender.

My eyes have been opened!

Kevin Musgrove said...

There's a reason for my asking this which I won't go into just yet: you're moving from floor 48 to floor 47, there are at least 48 floors in your building, aren't there?