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Saturday, February 6, 2010

Employment-Time for Bonzo

I was thinking about trainable monkeys yesterday, thinking about the ones that bring in the mail and light cigarettes for quadriplegics…

I don’t always think of monkeys, but when I do, I somehow equate them to myself; because somewhere in my mind is the idea that there are parts of my job to which a monkey may pay more attention...

A minor misunderstanding recently regarding the number of copies required for a meeting had me dramatically overprinting a document needed right-freaking-now to the tune of a small-ish Douglas Fir.

What is the tree-to-paper ratio, anyway?

And as if being ecologically homocidal weren’t enough, to suffer the look of disappointment and incredulity on my boss’s face! Have you seen that look? It's the look that says, “We’ve spectacularly under-estimated your ability to take direction, Pearl; and we’ve decided to replace you with a well-dressed and reasonably intelligent monkey. You may go now.”

I hate that look.

In all fairness to me, the directions were vague and 20 minutes prior to their deadline.

And in all fairness to him, he seemed to be genuinely unaware that he had needed them in the first place.

But that’s how it is, isn’t it?


Dinner Friday night? Daiquiris. Bananas Daiquiris.

Hic.

27 comments:

ellen abbott said...

I only have two words for this...monkey butlers.

CatLadyLarew said...

I follow directions pretty well, but not in a last minute, frenzied, appeal for the impossible kind of way. Bring on the monkeys!

Irish Gumbo said...

Have the monkeys bring you drinks. And a shredder.

SkippyMom said...

Where do we find these elusive Monkeys. I don't have many years left with the kids and I need replacements. ;D

troutay said...

Can they do laundry and windows?

SparkleFarkle said...

I'm sorry about your recent bout of Monkey Humiliation (<-- Official technical jargon, I kid you not.) If it's any consolation, "people" named Zippy get to wear cute clothes.

Better days ahead, that's for sure. SF~~~~~*

The mad woman behind the blog said...

These talented monkeys, they don't throw poo under pressure do they? If so do they clean it up?

BTW, I've learned that my Madpie monkey can poo on demand.
Have a great weekend.

Madame DeFarge said...

But most monkeys couldn't reach the buttons on a photocopier and certainly couldn't clear the paper jams. So, you're still indispensable.

Debbie(singlemom;complicatedworld) said...

ugh! so hate that look! but then again thats why i work with preschoolers!! theres a whole lot of creative license and no copies required!!!:)

Molly Potter said...

Your comic genius is astounding!

"And in all fairness to him, he seemed to be genuinely unaware that he had needed them in the first place."

I don't think a monkey has ever made me laugh. No - that's a lie.
I don't think a monkey has ever made me laugh in adulthood.

Chances are you might just about possibly be still safe in your employment.

Ms Sparrow said...

I hope you didn't blubber about it (that's what I would have done). Of course, no monkey could ever do that so maybe you should!

Cloudia said...

*EEK EEK*

Chimp kisses!



Aloha, Friend!


Comfort Spiral

Kevin Musgrove said...

We can't afford to use the monkeys - they've had more training than the people and consequently score higher on the pay and grading scales.

The good news is that replacing senior executives with Barbary macaques results in no appreciable loss of leadership within the organisation.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Do you watch the Super Bowl commercials? Remember the careerbuilder.com monkey commercials? There was a whole series; my favorite involved a PowerPoint presentation. This must have been two years ago, when I totally felt like I was working with monkeys and when I saw these I'm not sure whether I laughed or cried or both.

Secretia said...

Most fast food restaurants employ trainable monkeys!

Jeanne said...

I have a friend who's quadriplegic, and those trained monkeys scare the shit out of him. He says, "What if it went crazy and decided to rip off my face? I couldn't do anything to stop it."

So now they totally creep me out.

GregoryJ said...

Thanks alot, Jeanne. Geez. Nightmares!

Anyway, a pulp wood tree 20 inches in diameter, 30 feet long will produce approximately 3,120 reams of paper. Of course that depends on the quality of the paper. And the tree doesn't actually produce the paper. It just supplies the raw material. And that does include the ream wrapper. We don't want a ream with out a wrapper now would we?

Pearl, may I call you Pearl?

Pearl, two words: re cycle.

and i don't mean in the men's room.
been there done that ouch.

sage said...

I tried employing monkeys, but fired them all after I got tired of monkey buggers on copies... they were always picking their nose and scratching their a**. I'm now on PETA's black list for contributing to monkey homelessness.

@eloh said...

Posts like this depress me... am I the only person that has been outsmarted by monkeys on numerous occasions?

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I am convinced that the reason monkeys fling their poo at each other is that they lack the vocal ability and facial experessions that let them express that 'look of utter disappointment' with another monkey's actions that we humans have perfected. One of the best pieces of teaching advice that I ever got was to study your face in a mirror and work on a few expressions that perfectly project your feelings at certain student misbehaviors. After that you don't have to discipline anyone by being mean or yelling. One look from Mr H is as deadly as a wack with a rular would have been in the past. I do this 'eyebrow squishy lip thing' that has them begging for their mommies.

p.s. after that house monkey tore that woman's face off I figured this 'training monkeys to do anything' movement would lose steam but I guess I was wrong. If I didn't already have issues with the Octopus I would be all over this 'overindulging the monkey problem' in our society. I am reminded of a Kramer quote when he got in a fight with Barry the Monkey.

"But Mr. Kramer, he is just an innocent primate."

"Well so am I!"

Sweet Cheeks said...

Your job is safe Pearl...
Monkeys have recently formed their own union....your boss won't want any part of that.
=]

Marla said...

Oh my goodness, Pearl. When I was a new manager training my first team, I got sick of the constant whining from the masses. At one of our team meetings I actually said, "Listen! This is not a difficult job. A trained monkey could do it."

That team ended up loving me as a manager. To this very day...I don't know why. Bunch of monkeys!

Gadjo Dilo said...

Yes, I know that look, I've had it a couple of times from my cutrrent boss! (At least you over-printed, though - could have been worse, no?)

Pat said...

Don't worry paper can be re-cycled and we make lists all the time due to our memory lapses. And think of the fleas.
Lovely droll post:)

Douglas said...

Back in my previous life of servitude, we often thought they would replace us with monkeys on roller skates. We then learned that the company found it was cheaper to train and pay us so the idea was scrapped. I suspect they were just afraid of PETA, though, or the prospect of lawsuits charging species discrimination. I did think they might have shaved a few and slipped them in... but only in management positions.

Irisheyes said...

I have to disagree with Molly. Monkeys make me laugh all the time as an adult. Just the word "monkey" makes me giggle. Do they sell monkeys on craigslist? Man, I wish I had a monkey.

SweetPeaSurry said...

I follow only my own direction, I'm all zen that way. In the spirit of zen'ness and fung shway and whatnots ... bring me a monkey ... I have chores that still need to be done during my meditation hour! And really ... someone needs to tug on Sookie's rope from time to time!