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Sunday, January 24, 2010

Wherein We Re-Examine The Chore Monkey

Some concepts require second looks.

I refer, of course, to the Chore Monkey.

Look, people. We’ve put a man on the moon, discovered a short-term vehicle for both Sharon Osbourne and David Hasselhoff, and convinced a whole generation that Jagermeister is a shot-worthy bar drink.

Why in the wide, wide world of sports have we not perfected the Chore Monkey?

And when I say “Chore Monkey”, I am not referring to our children. Children, while delightfully trainable, for the most part, are prone to contacting Child Protective Services and confiding in authority figures when forced to run to the gas station for cigarettes at 2:00 a.m.

Or so I hear.

Which brings us back to the Chore Monkey.

Primates! Trained, costume-wearing primates! Think of it.

And they’ll be even better than children.

Have you seen a child climb up the side of a building?

Pathetic.

Think about monkeys, though.

Need to borrow a bit of something from your neighbor but it’s snowing – again? Send the monkey!

Not sure as to just when you bought that milk and concerned that it may have gone bad? Have the monkey smell it!

Hungry but too lazy to hoist yourself off the couch and wander all the way into the kitchen? Have you considered sending your monkey out for fast food?

They can’t do everything, of course. For instance, I continue to question a monkey’s ability to shop using coupons on a consistent basis. I doubt a monkey’s capacity for sorting clothes by color prior to laundering them.

Still, I think that there’s gold in them thar monkeys*!


* I do not now nor have I ever owned, misused, made fun of, borrowed money from or advocated the exploitation of a monkey. Monkeys are not servants, nor are they delicious. Mostly, today’s post is the result of my wishing someone other than me would clean my house...

For cryin’ out loud, some of my best friends are monkeys!

37 comments:

Barbara Blundell said...

Hi Pearl,
Do you have helping dogs ? I've seen them on TV and they can do things like empty the washer ,pick things off the floor ,bring you the phone when ir rings. They only need a biscuit and a pat on the head now and again-I'm trying to turn my partner into one.

Irish Gumbo said...

How do you know that monkeys aren't delicious? Hmm?

I mean, not that I would know either...hehheh..:)

Secretia said...

Monkeys get more jealous than children, and they are much more mischievous too.

Doppelgänger said...

Brilliant. :)) Utterly and unabashedly brilliant. =))

Douglas said...

Children are trainable??? Not in my universe.

ellen abbott said...

One of my son's greatest disappointments in life is that there are no monkey butlers.

Madison said...

Delightfully trainable would not be two words I'd string together to describe my children. Delightful, yes. Trainable, no.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Hi Pearl...thanks for coming by my site. I hope you return often. I have bookmarked you also; your blog looks like its something I would enjoy 110%. Have a great day!

CatLadyLarew said...

I could definitely use a chore monkey. Any idea for what kind of uniform I should have it wear? Is a French maid outfit just too passe? Or maybe a little tuxedo?

GregoryJ said...

I have a confession to make. I hope you all won't think too badly of me after you hear this.

I am a chore monkey.

No, I am not available, Wifey has the keys to the cage.

Yodood said...

Everybody is somebodies chore monkey. It's called civilization. Only anarchists and indigenous people do it themselves. The more unique one's career/job specialization, the more of the rest of their life is left to the chore monkeys.

Pop and Ice said...

If they do windows, I'm all for them.

Madame DeFarge said...

I'd like a chore monkey, but until then I'll make do with my husband.

Chantel said...

Babe, I'm sticking to my guns. I want a wife. She needs to be perky, cheerful, and bring me coffee in the morning. I would like home-cooked meals, fresh laundry and don't forget the vacuuming. (chuckle) And she better be damn cute.

Ps. Today is my birthday....and I don't see an "Alice"-sized wrapped package anywhere on my table!! That's what she'd be called...Alice.

powdergirl said...

Um, excuse me? Monkey rains are a rare delicacy in some cultures. They wack off the top of the skull, blend the gray stuff with some onion and garlic and Voila! Dip.

Care for a chip?

powdergirl said...

Duh monkey 'brains', I meant brains. Hasn't rained monkeys for eons.

suzicate said...

I want a chore monkey...tried to train the dog, but apparently she is untrainable!

Debbie(singlemom;complicatedworld) said...

OH! Love the idea of the monkeys..and must admit my children are not quite as well behaved as some! I have been training on these chores for years now..still no success! or very little!:) so send in the chore monkeys...

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Another brilliant idea from Pearl.

The Retired One said...

Don't go apeshit over this idea....
I hear they eat more than your man does and snore even louder.

fingers said...

Are you allowed to spank your monkey if it's naughty...

lisleman said...

go with robots - roomba will be more advanced someday.
The Japanese are already ahead on this idea
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL6rgHCUN4k

thanks

Marla said...

Oh, Pearl, I have always wanted a monkey and Bob has always put his foot down with a loud, "No monkey!" Maybe the idea of a chore monkey will be a game changer. Yes, I believe I will sell it to him that way. You are brilliant!

Jayne Martin said...

Yeah, but if you piss off the Chore Monkey he'll have PETA all over your ass. Still... I always did want a monkey and if he/she could also tidy up a bit, what the hell. And I hear they work for bananas.

Gadjo Dilo said...

But monkeys are clever enough to realise that they can then also sub-contract the work to another species - enter the choir-squirrel, and your nightmares begin.

Tempo said...

...yeah, but monkeys might get mad at you and throw shit...kids dont d...No, wait...actually they DO. (I'll just shut up now then)

My name is PJ. said...

There are people out there who would argue the point of whether or not monkeys are delicious til their dying breath.....

dave hambidge said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUW5Fe1eJHA

The Good Cook said...

Sigh. I too need a chore monkey. But alas, I have never been able to train one child or husband successfully so I think the monkey would not work out for me. The CM would be running circles around me - just like hubby and kids... I'll just have to continue to live in my own mess.

Ange said...

Reading this, I realized that I am a chore monkey.

sob

sage said...

I think I need to get myself a monkey and stop playing the part!

Gaston Studio said...

Great idea Pearl, just great!

Baron's Life said...

Totally brilliant...nothing else can be added or said...

Jess said...

**praying my girlfriend does not read this** (she will add it to her list of reasons why we REALLY, REALLY should get a monkey, which has been ongoing for about four years now)

The Jules said...

Do chore monkeys come with a wig and lipstick?

No reason . . .

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

Children are "delightfully trainable"?
Pearl, you really must come visit my Home for Feral Children. So far I have successfully toilet trained 2.75 out of 3 of the 2-legged, and 1/3 of the 4-legged variety. One of them will walk on a leash and sit on command (I'm pretty sure that one has 4 legs). That's about it. Is it that I am a bad trainer, or has the Zombie Apocolypse started?

jules said...

Ug! I still hear people order jager as a shot! Makes me ill just thinking about it!