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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Reelin’ in the Years, or If You Are Orgasmic Over Your Yogurt…

No, I can’t finish that sentence. It’s just too ridiculous.

What’s with these commercials for Activia? Jamie Lee Curtis, The Queen of Scream, you poor SOB, what’s up with the “regularity” talk? Either you are truly excited about yogurt or you have a payment to make.

Should’ve never bought that boat, should ya, Jamie?

And do we have to accompany that talk with the vaguely flushing-like gesture you’re making with your hands, the one implying yogurt moving efficiently from entrance to exit?

My fear, of course, is that somehow this gesture they insist on using in their commercials becomes part of American pop culture.

I won’t. I won’t do it.

So what’s next? Benecio Del Toro shilling for adult diapers? Meryl Streep pushing arch supports?

Ah. We are aging.

I am aging.

Well. They are aging. Me? I’m not so sure, but I have my suspicions…

You know, I don’t actually notice the fact that I am aging until I am surrounded with younger folk, something that happens more and more often these days.

Mathematically, it seems the odds are increasingly against me.

Why? Why do I have younger friends? I need to hang out with people my age or older, if not for the common memories and dance steps then for the hope that I don’t end up in the bathroom mirror pulling the skin on my face back toward my ears, wondering if anyone would notice if I had a tiny face lift.

Just a tiny one.

I recently began telling anyone under 30 that asked my age that I am 58. I’m not, but I love when they say, “God, you look great!”

I plan on carrying out this little lie until I’m actually 58, whereupon I will begin to tell them that I am, oh, 32, just to see the look on their faces.

“Yeah. I was a really heavy smoker from 15 to just last year. It was tough, but I feel great.”

That’ll teach ‘em.

The movie stars of my youth are concerned with bowel movements, some of my younger friends are surprised to learn that there was no violence at Woodstock, and I recently overheard someone wearing a letter jacket state firmly that “only fat people have cellulite”.

These are the things one must contend with when one continues to live.

What are you going to do?

As my father says, it beats the alternative.

28 comments:

Joshua said...

Considering she's married to Christopher Guest, and is technically considere a Lady of the British Realm, I'd say she's not gaggig for money. Who knows though. You are correct though, that flushing motion is disturbing.

Marla said...

I'm 51 but I don't look a day over 50. I am standing with you Pearl. I also refuse to do the flush move. Well, unless they pay me for it. I do have that RV payment.

f8hasit said...

You know Pearl, there are those of us that gather on the weekends and practice that 'flush' move. We consider it yoga.
Then we talk about our bowels. It's a fun night out.
Ha.
:-)

(actually, I concur. I boycott Activia just because the commercials are annoying. I can hear the jingle right now, God help me.)

justsomethoughts... said...

pop culture turned poop culture
DAMMIT!
i'm sorry
i really will try to make sure that doesnt happen again

IB said...

I'm 49 years old and I look like I'm 60. I guess it's all the drinking. Maybe I should quit and get back to the gym. Why not? Because it would suck.

CatLadyLarew said...

I'm 56 and I totally look my age. No more, no less! Activia be damned, though. Dr Pepper will do the same thing... and at a fraction of the cost. (Just in case you were wondering.)

That Baldy Fella said...

Having looked to be in my mid-thirties since the great hair-loss of the early twenties, I'm now enjoying the fact that I've caught up with the age I look.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Is anyone else disturbed by the pasty skinned guy pitching Viagra? He says 'you should be healthy enough for sexual activity' yet he looks like he's gonna stroke at any moment.
That and the bathtubs on the beach. How did he get them down there and then had the strength for anything else?

Ms Sparrow said...

SNL once did a spoof of the Activia commercials.
It emphasized the "flushing" properties of the product to the max. It was funny--if you're into that sort of thing!

Fragrant Liar said...

This is sad. I mean, this is REALLY sad. I love my Activia, and that flushing motion? I'm totally okay with that. Getting older has made me appreciate a good, regular BM. That, and candy calcium in chewy chocolate and caramel. I know, I know, I can't believe I even admitted this stuff. I'm going to go take my daily midlife stuff now.

Lana Banana said...

two words: colon blow.

not as tasty as activia and there's no fancy movie star--young or old--stomping on its behalf, BUT . . . it's cheaper and faster.

so i hear.

i also hear it feels like satan vs. the arch angel gabriel playing rugby with your innards . . .

what, too graphic?

i have that problem.

Kabbalah Rookie said...

In the UK, Activia has Martine McCutcheon on a mission to promote 'Tummy Loving Care' as the solution to all of our ills. She keeps her hands in her pockets and allows a cartoon animation of the digestive system to prove that this product really does work. Although I would be concerned if my guts were actually filled with flashing yellow balls.
Martine's sense of humour is wasted here - I would buy Activia immediately if she said in her cheeky cockney accent "Stops you trumping, 'elps you poo"

Irish Gumbo said...

I'm a little queasy seeing "orgasmic" and "yogurt" in the same sentence. Eeep!

Joanie M said...

Remember: a yogurt a day will keep yeast infections away. :) how's that for gross?

Laoch of Chicago said...

My first thought after looking at the title of your post was, "Must eat more yogurt!"

Mrsblogalot said...

Pearl this whole post just cracked me up!...it has to be very bad for the hopefully still tiny lines on my face but oh so good for the soul! (-:

Kevin Musgrove said...

I realised I wasn't in the first flush of youth the first time I saw Pele advertising Viagra. Confirmation came when an old friend, who I still visualise as a mere slip of a thing, told me about the problems she had re-hanging a barn door on her own.

Cloudia said...

You said it, you wipper-snapper!


Aloha, Friend!


Comfort Spiral

mapstew said...

I'm just glad 'Bald' came into fashion with the youngs round here! I fit right in, thank you very much! :¬)

xxx

lisleman said...

congrats on keeping smokes out of your life.
I thought Sigourney Weaver looked great in Avatar and she's sixty. I know you didn't mention her but you mention Meryl Streep and I thought of Sigourney.
Have you seen the SNL Activia skit? Look it up.
your age idea is good.

Just Jules said...

F8 has the jingle in my head now.. . it wasn't until she said that - oh well.... sigh. At least I am young enough to recall the jingle right!?

I know I am getting older when I am able to come up with reasons for feeling this way. like the young girl doing my hair at the "Salon Academy" has never heard the song Beauty School Drop Out from Grease...sigh... kids these days.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Benecio Del Toro, adult diapers - it's gotta happen, I get the feeling that many people would like a chance to laugh at him.

Bhavesh Chhatbar said...

Pearl, you're an amazing writer. While reading, my reactions were just on both the sides — humour as well as lessons for the non-sense people. I liked the age 58 and age 32 things :)

Mexican Prickly Poppy [Argemone Mexicana, Satyanashi, सत्यानाशी]

My name is PJ. said...

It's disturbing. We weren't supposed to join the bowel police until we hit 75.....what the heck happened!!!

I'd love to hear your comments on Brooke Shill, er, uh, I mean Shields. What does she do with all her commercial residuals?

Gaston Studio said...

I prefer hanging out with younger people; I'm 68 and don't feel a day over, say, 48, except when my back acts up!

The Jules said...

Get off my lawn!

Bag Man said...

I just saw that ad this morning! I was trying to figure out what she was saying? I thought to myself that was some weird yogurt.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I thought pretty much all yogurt was good on the whole *flushing motion* as it keeps up the amount of good bacteria in your intestines.

Maybe that's the trick: they don't really need to do anything, but they point out that it's good for the *flushing motion* and everyone's like "I gotta get me some of that!"

I think Dannon lost out when they decided not to talk about poo.