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Saturday, January 2, 2010

Ooh! Guess Why I'm So Confident?

I'm feeling peevish, and I assure you it has nothing to do with alcoholic indulgences or all-you-can-eat buffets.

I don't care what you heard.

It's been, after all, a while since I got good and crabby, hasn't it? (Just agree with me.) There’s still time to click to another page, you know!
Run! Save yourself!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You know, there is evidence supporting a change in global and trade-wind temperatures, the maximum paid-U.S.-maternity leave is three months (and often less), I resorted to "snacking" from a can of ready-made frosting the other day, and yet I don’t want to talk about any of those things.

No. You know what’s bugging me right now? You know what I want to talk about?

Teeth whiteners.

Hey! What’s wrong with removing the nicotine or caffeine stains, making your teeth a little whiter? Why not bleach those old beans?

Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with that. Why walk around with strangely stained teeth when you don’t have to? What the heck. Bleach your teeth.

Dye ‘em blue for all I care.

What I object to is the implication that whiter teeth will make you more popular, more successful, more sexually desirable, more confident.

“With my teeth whitened, I can do anything!”


THAT, my friends, is a direct quote from a grinning, dimpling, twinkly-eyed twit paid to convince me that confidence is gained by having the most unnaturally white teeth in the room.

Never mind learning something or applying yourself! With teeth like God's shoeshine, you can do anything!

Anything except, apparently, write a commercial that doesn’t insult the intelligence.

30 comments:

Jennifer said...

I knew a guy once who's teeth were SO white it was RIDICULOUS and I said to him, "I mean honestly...do you really think this looks GOOD? Drink some coffee dude."

Susan said...

"with teeth like God's shoeshine," brilliant! I agree wholeheartedly with you on this one. There's another commercial about acid reflux - it ruined a woman's first date. Then she got whatever the commercial is hawking and lo and behold she got married. Can you imagine the power of having really white teeth and less stomach acid? The possibilities are staggering!

Charlotte Ann said...

eeewww! Glow in the dark teeth..not natural looking!

unfinishedrambler said...

I've seen that informercial...and it is annoying. However, I couldn't put my finger on it why I hated it so much before you put it into words. I think that's exactly the reason I hated it too.

GregoryJ said...

I bought a can of ready made frosting just for the purpose of eating it. no cake was involved. Just my finger and sometimes a spoon.
I think I'll even do it again.
Even when I got dentures they were not white. White says to me that the person is narcissistic. (thank goodness for spell check on that one) They care too much about what isn't really that important.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Teeth like God's shoeshine: what a great line! They used to promise popularity and true love just for cleaner teeth, fresher breath. Now they've upped the ante; you gotta bleach 'em.

Ms Sparrow said...

Nobody used to care about anybody's teeth. Now it's become a status symbol. Since all the teeth-whitener commercials have begun, the TV anchors have smiles that give you "sun-smack".

Lori E said...

Agreed. I also saw the acid reflux commercial for the first time last night. I was dumbstruck.
I always wonder about the final run through at the ad agency where the customer signs off on the finished commercial.
Once this crap hits the airwaves and said ad agency has cashed the cheque (Canadian)does this person who okayed the ad get to keep their job? Does anyone tell them they are morons and shouldn't be allowed to procreate to save the rest of us from their stupid ideas for evermore.

Menopausal New Mom said...

That was a great post and so damn true! I've seen people who have teeth that are turning transparent from so much bleaching. I'm like you enough already. Why not work on the inside if you want to improve your social status. A jerk who bleaches out his yellow teeth to sparkling white teeth is still a jerk!

Secretia said...

Screw those white teeth, I need my coffee.

Beth said...

I tried bleaching my teeth once and immediately felt my IQ plummet. Now that you mention it, blue teeth sounds like a blast!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

It's the commercials for PROACTIVE zit cream that are worse than the teeth whitening ads. At least those end after 30 seconds...that damn Proactive commercial goes on FOREVER!

Jocelyn said...

I had a student this past semester who wanted to write her research paper on teeth whiteners. Okay. So the thesis she came up with asserted that everyone these days needs a perfect smile and, therefore, teeth whiteners are a necessity. We ended up in an interesting conversation when I urged her to temper that stance and say "people these days WANT a perfect smile and, therefore, teeth whiteners have become a perceived necessity." She thought that was great...but then, instead of looking at the cultural reasons why people are so obsessed with their teeth, she just went through and explained the various whiteners. I'm going to call that a "moment missed."

Stephanie said...

There is a thing as too white. I prefer mine with just a tinge of coffee stain.

CatLadyLarew said...

You just can't trust people with unnaturally white teeth. I much prefer a golden fang here or there.

Jayne Martin said...

I join in your righteous indignation!

Lynn said...

This is not a problem for me, since you can't eat, drink, or talk for the 30 minutes you are whitening. I can not go 30 minutes without any of those three events.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I know where you're coming from, Pearl.

I bought some of those ladies' sanitary towels and I still can't play tennis.

Chaka said...

Any time someone's teeth are whiter than the white of their eyes, it looks odd.

Amber Star said...

The normal color of teeth is not white, they have a slight orange cast. Whitening them makes the person who decided that would make their fortune for them immediately had very sensitive teeth. That is why you get a straw with your water when you are out to eat. I like it...my teeth aren't whitened, but they are sensitive to cold.

There was a paper that had the title "That which is beautiful is good" took a look at how people are perceived if they are beautiful with all the points we consider beautiful or if they don't. Most people prefer the pretty one. Go figure.

Firegirl said...

We often look at each other after watching these commercials and say "Someone actually paid for that commercial. Someone actually thought that was a good idea." And people actually buy the sh*t.

Oh, try your frosting on graham crackers next time. I'm just saying. (:-D

Madison said...

Not only is your post funny, but the people who comment on your post have me laughing out loud. I needed that tonight. Thanks.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Amen to that! We have a place at the MALL that whitens teeth-- right there in front of everyone! Grrrrr
Happy new year

ladyfi said...

LOL! With luminous teeth, you will be able to shine the way home in the dark!

SweetPeaSurry said...

LOL I actually whiten my teeth about every 3 months. Not because "I can do anything with whiter teeth" ... but because my tea/nic stained teefers drive me nutso.

I would recommend HIGHLY the Rembrandt whitening trays to those who don't have a peeve against tooth whitening.

For YOU Pearl, I recommend Sexy Teeth, the tooth whitener of the STARS!!!

That's right, CELEB tooth whitening that you can only purchase on As Seen On TV and would soon have been touted as the best cleaning solution in the world, by Billy Mayes, had he lived.

That's my story, my white teeth and my two cents and I'm sticking with all those craptacular cliches!!!

Kabbalah Rookie said...

Sooner or later, US Customs and Immigration are going to stop people with good old English Yellow Teeth entering the country. At which point I will whiten. Or fly my sister over here instead.

My name is PJ. said...

Whiten if you will, but that unnatural, glow in the dark version of white....the kind that looks as though the black light is on when it's not? I don't get it. But I don't get recreation plastic surgery or botox or Brazilians....I don't get a lot of things.

In my mind it's all tantamount to whitewashing a nasty old fence, instead of fixing the foundation of it......

Berowne said...

>> Anything except, apparently, write a commercial that doesn’t insult the intelligence. <<

Right, like those spots that feature that slithery reptile who assures me that I may save 15 percent on my car insurance, if I do what he suggests.
When you analyze it -- and why do I do that, I wonder? -- the commercial means nothing. I may, I may not. More likely the latter. :-)

Jeanne said...

The other thing is that it raises the bar. I used to have reasonably white teeth, but now I'm well below average. And since bleaching tends to make your teeth more temperature sensitive, I don't want to.

And no one can make me!

(Until I crack from the peer pressure, anyway.)

Gregory said...

you are probably too young to remember cigarette adds, they too make you more desirable, sporty and a total babe magnet, what is this world coming to?