I'm feeling peevish, and I assure you it has nothing to do with alcoholic indulgences or all-you-can-eat buffets.
I don't care what you heard.
It's been, after all, a while since I got good and crabby, hasn't it? (Just agree with me.) There’s still time to click to another page, you know!
Run! Save yourself!
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
You know, there is evidence supporting a change in global and trade-wind temperatures, the maximum paid-U.S.-maternity leave is three months (and often less), I resorted to "snacking" from a can of ready-made frosting the other day, and yet I don’t want to talk about any of those things.
No. You know what’s bugging me right now? You know what I want to talk about?
Hey! What’s wrong with removing the nicotine or caffeine stains, making your teeth a little whiter? Why not bleach those old beans?
Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with that. Why walk around with strangely stained teeth when you don’t have to? What the heck. Bleach your teeth.
Dye ‘em blue for all I care.
What I object to is the implication that whiter teeth will make you more popular, more successful, more sexually desirable, more confident.
“With my teeth whitened, I can do anything!”
THAT, my friends, is a direct quote from a grinning, dimpling, twinkly-eyed twit paid to convince me that confidence is gained by having the most unnaturally white teeth in the room.
Never mind learning something or applying yourself! With teeth like God's shoeshine, you can do anything!
Anything except, apparently, write a commercial that doesn’t insult the intelligence.