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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I’ll Bet My Life Would be Cooler If It Were Narrated

The streets are treacherous, my friend, and have taken it upon themselves to break the bones of both of the women next door (one ankle and one wrist apiece).

And here I am, laden with a yoga bag and my “bus” purse (large enough to hold my lunch but not big enough for a pony).

The narrator speaks in hushed tones:
“Armed carefully with her cash card, a lipstick, 10 pounds of various things she feels she must carry with her and her belaying rope, she picks her way carefully down the icy sidewalks, choosing the placement of her feet as carefully as the sherpas and mountain men who had gone on before her. Let’s follow as she negotiates these treacherous city streets.”

The name is Pearl.

Pearl Norgay.

The thought that someone like Morgan Freeman – or perhaps David Attenborough – is in a small studio somewhere, sipping tea and commenting on my life, helps me get through these “Hey! Is that the SUN shining?” days.

We do what we can to keep our strength up.

But what I would propose to you, my world-wide-like friends, is that in the same way winter is not for the faint of heart, it is also not for asthmatics, people who enjoy sensation in all their limbs – including the locally-endangered toes – or this strange breed of male insisting that shorts are year-‘round attire.

Yes. I recently saw a man, outside, wearing shorts.

Now, I am not a violent woman. And yet when the temperature is 3 degrees outside Fahrenheit (that's 16 below Celsius), the vision of this, my clueless neighbor, climbing out of his car to walk into the grocery store wearing a pair of shorts, a hoodie, and sandals, produces violent thoughts in me.

Something in me wants to punch him.

And before you think perhaps he had been to the gym and was just popping in for a quick Gatorade, I put to you while it was technically possible for this to be true, I would wager that it was not.

But what does my inner narrator say about it?

“Stepping lightly from the ladder that takes him from the driver’s seat to the tarmac, he scans the parking lot. Surely someone has seen him, remarked upon the impressive girth of his vehicle. Chuckling softly, he notes that, again, he has done well in his purchase of the largest mode of civilian transportation available. He steps away from the car, pressing the remote to lock it – BEEP BEEP – and observes with satisfaction the people who turn. They have, without doubt, noticed his casual dress, his expensive vehicle and have been made aware of his manly bearing. He enters the grocery store in pursuit of the elusive mesquite barbecued chicken – and this time – this time! – expenses be damned, he would buy potato chips as well.”

Everywhere, the people in my life are heading to warmer climes. Their narrators have tired of looking for synonyms for “cold”, “snow”, and “seasonal depression” and have given them leave to, well, leave. Just look at them! On their way to Vegas, just back from Hawaii, looking forward to trips to Puerto Rico, they have lost touch with the subtle insanity of winter.

But not me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m riding this SOB out.

And I’m gonna kick this season old-style.

Shhh. You hear that? Morgan is speaking again...

“Pearl carefully eyes the city bus, calculating which of her fellow riders is most apt to smell funny…”

29 comments:

suzicate said...

Yes, my sons wear shorts out in this freakin freezing weather! They are nuts! BTW, they take after their father's side of the family!

ICKY said...

Your life is clearly narrated by Gilbert Gottfried.

sage said...

You're funny, as always... I confess to being one who has been known to hike in the snow with shorts (I do normally wear gaiters) and have skied in shorts and just this morning took the dog out with a coat and gym shorts and slip on shoes... But MI ain't as cold as MN! I'll stop laughing when you take a swing.

Molly Potter said...

Molly huddles over her keyboard, her input clicking speedily having read nutter-pearly-pie's blog and marvelling at her hyperconnectivity and fluidity despite the arctic zeal, the untempered Mr. Freezer's jurisdiction, the smothering of anti-heat by superhero Chilly McFilly, the icy overbearing, the omnipresnt frost, the sub-zero reality, the 'must be bloody living on a glacier' confusion, Jack Frost's bullying, the sun's powerlessness, the minus degree zone...

Brave brave Pearl

Cloudia said...

"Pearl touches more people than she realizes."

Aloha, Friend!


Comfort Spiral

unfinishedrambler said...

Pearl puts herself down in her chair to write another funny blog post...

...and scores again.

GOAAAAAAL!!!!!!

I don't know why but my narrator seems to be Andres Cantor today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63XeH5q8aKM

Anna Lefler said...

I'll hold him...you punch him.

In today's world, it's all about teamwork, right?

Added you to my blogroll, too, BTW!

:-D Anna

Tamsin said...

You and me both. As I toy idly with the eighth month of pregnancy, it is quite clear that I'll be staying in the snowy end of Utah for months to come. Sigh.

Phil said...

How about Barack Obama? Yes he could... no... sorry, that doesn't work...

Douglas said...

You crack me up, Pearl, by golly. My personal life narrator is Rodney Dangerfield. You are a lucky woman.

BugginWord said...

The good news is - if you had punched him it would have hurt like the dickens, cause everything hurts more in the cold. (As my frozen pinky snaps off.)

Kevin Musgrove said...

Am I the only one who gets a sports commentary in his head on the bus?

"And now it's Kevin... Kevin, not smacking that bratty kid in the seat in front across the head with his newspaper... a deft wince and tut there from Kevin..."

mapstew said...

The soundtrack to my life is turned up so loud loud I can barely hear my narrator most of the time! :¬)

xxx

Lana Banana said...

so, pearl, my dear, is this the part where i refrain from telling you that it was SO HOT in southern california today that i had to turn the A/C on in my car when i drove home this afternoon? or that at 5am, when i got to school, i was wearing open-toed heels and a skirt with only a blouse and no coat and was still too warm? or that i'm presently drinking ICED tea on my balcony . . . in shorts, t-shirt and flip-flops?

if NOT, just say so.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Yes, I too, will ride this season out but not without a whimper.

And my inner narrator sounds like Gilbert Gottfried.

Peace ~ Rene

The Retired One said...

Somehow when I hear someone narrating MY life,it is Bridget Jones voice I hear.
Cherrio!

Jeanne said...

In case I haven't mentioned this lately, you are just too funny.

Stay warm....

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Personally I refuse to have anyone narrate my lie but myself since me and James Earl Jones had a falling out over the 'incident'. Don't ask. He knows what he did.

I hate to say this because all the people that get hurt in any season will find something else to blame but frankly it IS a jungle out there and you gotta move like a gazelle or nature will cull you from the herd....or the mummies will getcha...or the octopi. That is why I don't go outside anymore. Too many variables, lonely deranged hobos and Chinese assassins. I admire you for even going on the bus. Like an elementary school those are just breeding grounds for ebola and every other dangerous pathogen or superbug out there. Am I paranoid and ranting? Maybe. But also maybe you need to get a copy of my coloring book on the topic.

I leave you with a quote that Cuervo Jones gave to Snake Plisken in 'Escape From L.A."

"You may have survived Cleveland. You may have escaped New York. But THIS is L.A. vato, and you are going to find, that this fucking city, can kill ANYBODY."

Thank You

WrathofDawn said...

Woman, you are just too funny!

Of course, now it'll take days for me to stop thinking in narration mode. Methinks she'll sound something like Bridget Jones.

Faced once again with a -15 Celcius wind chill, Dawn donned 47 layers of winter clothing, gritted her teeth, steeled her spine and clutched her belaying rope tightly as she navigated the death trap that was her front stairs. Checking for errant penguins, she pulled cautiously out of her driveway...

powdergirl said...

Silly Funny Pearl,

You're narrating your own life right here in this blog.

I could really see that hand bag you described in such minute detail. It was real to me.

The guy with the, what, Hummer? I know that guy. Being ridiculous is his problem, but that remote locking? That shits gotta go. People don't even hear warning horns anymore because the world is one big honking, beeping, tweeting, chirping stinking haze of noise pollution. Yeah, so I don't like that guy either, or his wife and children. Loved the narrator though.

My best friend is just rounding off her 5th week on Maui, she sends me very sweet texts and tons and tons tons of pictures. I'm burning her fucking house down tomorrow.

I do go on,

Ciao Baby,

Powder

That Baldy Fella said...

Oooh, I want an inner narrator. "Nick wondered what life would be like if he had an inner voice describing his every move. Probably a bit like this."

Hmmm, I don't think I've got the hang of it.

the letters i wish i'd written said...

When you can't be bothered to narrate add an internal soundtrack, I find this particularly useful in airports, Donna Summer"s bad girls being a firm favourite, toot toot, aaaaaaw beep beep!

the walking man said...

I would leave Detroit for the winter (or any other time now that I think of it) but then I would get that despicable title of "snowbird."

Which is one song I don't think Lynard Skynard ever had on their play list.

Laoch of Chicago said...

When I was a teenager I used to walk my dogs outside in the cold winter snow in shorts and a t shirt. I just did not experience the cold in the same way then. Now it seems like I spend hours layering and trying to find a way to stay warm. It is discouraging.

De Campo said...

Just dropped by to let you know that you’re hysterical.

Irisheyes said...

Yes Indeed, As others stated before me, another great blog. I love the narration by Morgan Freeman. He did an excellent job in "March of the Penguins", but how much money does that guy need to make? Let me be your narrator, I am up for the challenge. Kudos Pearl!

Marla said...

I am so glad you stopped by my blog leading me back to yours. I am reading my way through your posts desperately wishing I was wearing a Depends. Good stuff, my friend. Good stuff!!

CatLadyLarew said...

Love, love, love the narration!

R. Jacob said...

I would love Miami Vice music in the background as I drive to work, complete with alligator!