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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Hold On. Let Me Call My Agent For You.

Back when new clothes meant Levis and a red sweater (Go, Cardinals!) and I semi-regularly stunk of sliced onions (stupid sandwich shop), the worst thing you could call someone was a “poser”, or, its more upscale term, a “poseur”.

Posers were sad, confusing creatures who lip-synched to records during school-wide talent shows and spoke with British accents despite having lived their whole lives in the Midwestern United States.

But why, you ask yourself, is this an issue? Am I quitting my job to take up full-time lip-synching? Am I finally through practicing my British accent, ready to bring it to the world?

Nope. Better.

Ladies and gentlemen, MC Mutter is back on the bus.

Do you know Mr. Mutter? You may even have one in your city. Look around! There he is, hunched forward intensely, eyes narrowed with concentration, grooving to his iPod, his lips moving along to a song only he can hear.

“Awww-huh-huh-huh. Awwwwwwwwwwww yeah.”

Oh, yeah? And a ring-a-ding-ding to you, too, big fella.

The poor li’l SOB. I feel for him. Because I know – being just as delusional myself but too self-conscious to make it manifest on a public bus – that he believes that we are looking at him, not because he’s rocking back and forth, lips twitching, approaching what just may be an epileptic seizure, but because we admire his rhythm, his musical talent, his flow.

The girl sitting next to him is posing, too, and will be reading for the part of Rapper’s Girl #3. Glad to see that she’s dressed appropriately for it: That’s a whole lot of cleavage happening for mid-January, and the man sitting across from that pair is having a hard time reading his paper today.

Just wait until she stands up again – did you know that her butt is “Juicy”?

At least that’s what the seat of her pants say.

They got off at the light rail, those two, no doubt taking their show to the Mall of America, where they will impress others of their kind, gathering in rambunctious groups of saggy-pantsed and Juicy-butted angst.

Crazy kids.

21 comments:

....Petty Witter said...

Interesting post, you obviously do a lot of people watching. It could be worse with Mr iPod, at least you can't hear either him or his choice of music.

Jocelyn said...

How can MC Mutter be in Mpls when he's always on the elliptical machine next to ME?

I hate. that. guy. so. much.

Cleavage and a juicy butt would be a relief.

L.C.T. said...

Haha, brilliantly put.

De Campo said...

It's that flow which gets me every time.

The Good Cook said...

I once flew cross country across from the aisle from Mr. Airdrummer. Every new and then he would yell, YEAH! About an hour into the flight the flight attendant (who are we kidding, STEWARDESS) told him to knock it off. Probably saved his life.

The Good Cook said...

God - I just reread my comment. Can I try again?

I once flew cross country across the aisle from Mr. Airdrummer. Every NOW and then he would yell YEAH! etc, etc, etc... that's what I get for commenting on an empty stomach.

Douglas said...

Pearl, you make me almost wistful for public transportation..... naaahhhh

The Retired One said...

Reminds me of American Idol yesterday when that old guy sang about "no more pants falling on the ground"...loved it!

lisleman said...

too much to cover in one post - OMG - posers, cleavage, lip-syncing, people on the bus going round and round. I wish I could remember her name but there is a voice-over artist (sorta the opposite of lip-syncs?) from Britain who put out some very funny spoofs of the subway (tube) announcements. I think she may have lost her job over it. Anyway it was in the news and if I could leave a audio sample here, you would laugh at the one about staring at breasts.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Second the Retired One...Exactly what I thought.
Loving the Pearl....keep 'em comin'.

justsomethoughts... said...

but they WERE cool.

Lana Banana said...

hey, at least "juicy" wasn't scrawled on her crotch . . .

Jayne Martin said...

I hate the ones who mutter without an iPod and then scream at you for no reason. Yep, I'll take the groovin' dude anyday. Now the Juicy-butt chick... that's just wrong.

mapstew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mapstew said...

There are indeed some very unusual people about!

For Instance, there is one (Very heavily overweight) guy in my gym, who wears exceedingly tight 'FAME' workout gear, and sings out loud along to his iPod, while smiling lovingly at the rest of us, 'cos obviously we can see and hear the music video he is living out in his head!!

He always looks happy though, so fuck me and my like, he just don't care! :¬)

xxx

She Writes said...

He lives in every city and rides all buses.

Gadjo Dilo said...

It's a crazy crazy world, Pearly. I'd be tempted to sneak into that girl's wardrobe and change "Juicy" to "Hemorrhoids".

My name is PJ. said...

That's it! I want to ride the bus. There! I've said it. The thing is, I can't decide if I want to do it because I want to watch a cross-section of America each day, OR I want to witness a microcosm of circus acts.

Of all the blogs I read, yours is one that should be printed in hardcover, http://blog2print.sharedbook.com/blogworld/printmyblog/index.html, because there's a sitcom here, complete with a smart, quick-witted and somewhat snarky narrator. And, no,I'm not kidding.

suzicate said...

All we need these days for entertainment is public transit!

Eric said...

Hmmm, the notification of 'Juicy' on women's bottoms, while greatly appreciated, is just a bit too much personal info for a public place?

Maybe someone needs to make hunting caps that say 'Moron', or pantlegs that say 'Slow, go around'?

CatLadyLarew said...

When I did my best anagram name of facebook awhile back, it came up as "A Poser Outlaw". Does this mean I should start muttering to myself of the bus... or better yet... start playing my concertina for the personal edification of my fellow passengers?