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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Employees Will Also Refrain From Putting Their Fingers Up Their Noses

My fellow employees and I received an e-mail from The Big Guy Upstairs (this is the CEO I’m talking about – there have been no recent e-mails from The Almighty, although surely one is due).

The message read, in part, thusly:

Acme Napkins and Grommets will be hosting meetings with our biggest client tomorrow from 10:00 to 1:00. I will be hosting tours for individuals who would like to see our office space after the meeting. Please help make a great impression and put your best smiles on.

Smiles? Of course! But why stop there? They really should have me send these things out because I have some great ideas on compliance.

Seriously. I think we need more direction here.

As you know, our corporate fate often rests particularly upon those of you in support positions, i.e., the folks in the exposed, un-doored cube farms. We are most concerned with you specifically and ask that you do your best to appear as well-adjusted and hard-working as possible.

Please sit up straight, suck in your gut, and do your best to remain conscious from 10:00 to 1:00.

Please remember that this visit requires you to dress in your corporate best: shirts and pants are an absolute must, people. No excuses will be accepted from those who insist on adhering to Naked Filing Wednesday.

This office visit may mean that your Farmville accounts on Facebook will go unchecked between these hours. Please feed your animals and spread your manure only after our guests have departed.

We also ask that, while our visitors are on the floor, you abstain from personal calls, eating at your desk, or, in the case of the Shipping Department, dropping your trousers in order to more effectively pull up your socks.

Finally, we would not be who we are without your daily efforts and vigilance, and we thank you for all you do.

Hugs and Kisses,

Management


p.s. The amount of time you have taken to read and then criticize this memo has been deducted from your accrued vacation time.

42 comments:

alpharat said...

I actually worked at an agency once where a potential client was visiting, and we were all ordered to, upon meeting him, say "Hello Mr. So-and-so, Thank You for visiting us today." We were supposed to be a creative house, and I think the fact that we all appeared like corporate automatons only helped sway him to not hire us.

That, and the management who created the directive were morons.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

This reminds me of one of my favorite shows...The Office.

The Jules said...

All management letters should end with "hugs and Kisses".

Except maybe redundancy ones. They should end with "Chin up, sunshine!".

Deborah said...

I'd comment, but I'm too busy mopping of tears of laughter.

My name is PJ. said...

I believe this to have been an effortless, free flowing post. I can now picture the office operations where you work. They look incredibly similar to where I used to work. Maybe I did used to live in MN.

powdergirl said...

The only office I ever worked in was at a trucking company. All memo's began with "For f**k sakes people!",
and ended with " you f**kers better get this right."

I felt pretty at home there : )

And no one ever said anything about us all wearing clothes on the same day.

Nezzy said...

Heeeheehe! Ya'll have this Ozarks farm chick laughing the ugly cry laugh, so glad ya can't see it. It ain't a pretty sight. Oops, there goes the nose! TMI??? Great post, now will somebody had me a hankie?

From the hills and hollers of the Ponderosa, ya'll have a fun day!!!

B-u-x said...

haha...you obviously work for the same (cowboy) outfit that I do ;-)

Thank God (yes the real Almighty) for humorous blogs to help us see the funny side of (mis)Management.

Bx

savannah said...

this is why i don't have a real job anymore, sugar! the last time a memo came down from on high, (the boss, not god) i laughed so hard it was embarrassing, for him, not me, of course. but i digress...thanks for the bigassolecountry laugh, darlin! xoxoxo

(yeah, now i start work around damndarkinthemorning, but i'm gnerally done by 9amm AND i work in my jammies, so i ain't complaing!)

dave hambidge said...

For CEO read "Creative Enema-replacing Operative?

The Retired One said...

Hhahahaaaaaaaa..putting out memos to remind employees to look their best while "company" is there is like your mom leaving you a note to remember to make your bed before Grandma and Grandpa arrive.
For heaven's sake....
what does Management think? that all the employees are sloppy morons????

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

You nailed it with the Farmville reference!! Jeez!! Can you imagine all those city slickers virutally spreading manure?!?!

sas said...

few things are more awesome than ridiculous notes from management.

you might like this: http://bartlebysunite.tumblr.com/

Secretia said...

Not too far from the real policies of some places I worked. We had prohibited lunch items in one place, no tuna, no vinegar, no onions, they didn't want strong food smells.

Secretia

nursemyra said...

The P.S. cracks me up

Marla said...

You KNOW that is the real memo that seriously needs to go out in most work environments. I'm just saying...

Not The Rockefellers said...

Hey there was no mention of no dry-humping...nothing makes a lasting impression more than a good dry hump :)

Peace ~ Rene

John Hayes said...

This stuff cracks me up! Brings back my cube days for sure.

Ann's Rants said...

We never really get out of high school, huh.

xo
Ann

p.s. congrats on over 400 followers, Pearl!

justsomethoughts... said...

naked filing wednesday is a national holiday
and they cant just arbitrarily adopt their own regulations
there are RULES here man!

Debbie said...

This is too funny! And I really loved your PS!

Lana Banana said...

i don't mean to piss in your cornflakes, pearl, dear, but here's a true story about paycheck deductions:

one of my students died last year and i took the day off of school to go to his funeral. THE SCHOOL DISTRICT CHARGED ME FOR IT AND WOULD NOT ALLOW ME TO TAKE A "SICK DAY" . . . i had to shell out over $400.

nice, huh?

otin said...

I need to copy and paste Powdergirl's comment because mine was going to be similar! LOL. Memos are usually scribbled instructions on the back of a plan.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

You can never go wrong with a cape and thigh high hooker boots baby. The last woman who took my advice is now paying three nights a awheek at the hall of justice.

Jen said...

I'm pretty sure I used to work there. How is Kevin the might shrimp?

Jen said...

that should have been "Mighty"

Tempo said...

Memo?... The last place I worked didnt have a single PC. They still wrote notes with hammer and chisel and mud maps were made with real mud...

Phil said...

I love these kinds of e-mails. Particularly when you receive several on the same subject over a few days. We had one asking us to treat someone "accordingly" and I replied saying we'd treat our visitor as if we were talking to the boss... which seemed to worry him no end :-)

Madison said...

Ah, yes, emails on compliance. You gotta love them.

f8hasit said...

I love this.
:-)

Naked Filing Wednesdays...
Ha!

Chantel said...

First, I wanna work where powdergirl did. Secondly, I was once asked to "dress appropriately" for a sexual harrassment training. I came THIS close to going in lacy black negligee with stilettos, tramp hair and nipplege.

Douglas said...

When some corporate VIP was to be given the tour where I worked, we would be given the advance notice routine to clean up our desks and the work areas. I did neither, of course (which explains my rapid non-advancement), because it seemed to me that corporate VIPs would want to see us as actual working people and not just animated pieces of office furniture.

Gaston Studio said...

LOL, it reminds me of The Office too!

suzicate said...

Do you work at "The Office"?!

Kevin Musgrove said...

We got a "your best smile is important" email from the head honcho in the Town Hall the day after everyone workig for the council was sacked and reinstated on a lower salary.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Or even "working"

Kevin Musgrove said...

No: stet that: "workig" is about right

Courtney said...

Awesome. I'm late in commenting and late in getting back in the blogging game, but I'm back!

CatLadyLarew said...

Thank god the grownups don't come to visit too often!

~Rachée said...

Too funny!
Except I would have had to add something about Mafia Wars!
-r

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! That was sooo funny! I remember getting similar memos at one of the places I once worked!

Sandy said...

Where did you get my letter?!