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Thursday, January 7, 2010

And Then My Phone Refused to Call My Ex, Just Because I Was Drunk!

As is well known amongst the people who have had this information forced, repeatedly, down their throats, I was required to become a Harry Potter fan recently.

Well, it wasn’t so much as “required” as it was “suggested”; but you know me! Something new I need to see? Where is it? How long will it take to get there? Will there be room for others?

And so a friend at work loaned me the first four books.

Since overcoming the Swine Flu, however (with which I was confined to The Sty for a full two weeks), the time I have to sit still and read has declined, and I’m stuck in Book Four.

But that’s not important.

What’s important is that one of the ideas in these books has seized my excitable little brain, and I must share it with you.

In the books, the children are divided, upon arrival at boarding school, by the Sorting Hat. Placed upon their heads, the Sorting Hat reads their minds and tells them, aloud, which “house” they will belong to – their home away from home.

We need one of those. We need the Sorting Hat.

Don’t know if your boss is feeding you a line of BS? Sorting Hat!

Questioning whether or not the guy who just said, “Aw, come on! I was just kidding!” was really “just kidding”? Sorting Hat!

Wondering whether or not your own intentions are trustworthy? Sorting Hat!

But why put limits on these things?

What about Sorting Pants? Would they tell you whether or not you’re still the size listed on the tag, make snide comments regarding not being Sorting Tourniquets? Or maybe they would tell the big lady in the Spandex roaming the skyway on the way to Target that the time for wearing Spandex – if there ever was one – has come and gone?

Better yet, how ‘bout Sorting Doors? It was below zero when I left for the bus this morning, yet there was a man at the stop in loafers, a leather jacket, no hat, no gloves. His front door should’ve stopped him. “Sir, you are ill-equipped for the weather and are in danger of irreversible harm to your flesh. You shall not pass.

For some reason, the doors in my head all have English accents.

I don’t know. It’s just one idea among many.

Still. Sorting Pants. I just like the sound of it.

Sorting Pants.


Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Ha! Great idea. I was very taken by the notion of the Sorting Hat, back when I read the first one or two HPs. Sorting Pants...must be alert for uses of this, um, technology!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

It might have even better applications when it comes to dating and finding potential partners/mates/f*ck friends, whatever!

Brilliant idea, Pearl.

Good luck with the fifth book. It sucks. Terribly.

Douglas said...

I have a pair of those... sorting pants... several, in fact. I blame the washing machine and/or dryer, of course. I am still the same slender, dashing young man of trim figure I always was.

Pearl said...

All valid points. Since I write, post, and then try to clear my head of it every 24 hours, I think there are many more applications for the sorting tools...

Oh, and Sorting Pants? My pants seem to have joined a Pants Union of some type and are picketing for elastic waistbands.

We're in negotiations.

Molly Potter said...

Please send me a thought sorter (I made one once but it broke) Am I allowed 'sorter' or does it have to be 'sorting'. You don't strike me as a strict rulebook type.

I would like my thought sorter to:
1)Deliver a little ding when the daydream has gone that bit too far
2)Stop psychotic epsisodes..like when she said that did she mean and do you think she would have thought I meant by that and.....
3) Limit bonkers creative free-thinking and balance it with down to each practical thoughts like 'shoes are good for outdoors'
4) Help me with my social tourettes i.e. which comments to keep inside and which are allowed out.
5) Have an off switch for bedtime.


Molly Potter said...

earth even...I hate it when I typo...which i do all the time

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Put me on the list for the thought sorter too! For all the same reasons as Molly's! Bet you could make a pretty penny on one of those!

Pearl said...

Thought sorter? With the off-switch for sleep? Ooooh, I knew this thing was going to take off. :-) I'm also digging the "social tourettes" restrictor idea. I've been known to blurt a bit myself.

And Molly? Don't ever be dorry. :-) I think you're hilarious.

Carol said...

Comment sorter - applied to mouth!
I have inserted foot and swallowed way too many shoes!

Anonymous said...

Definitely something for the mouth and the hands that type. I get in so much trouble. I saw some of the movies, but have not read any of the books.
There's this avatar on free forum avatars that shows Hermione punching out the tall blond kid. So funny.

Yes, we definitely need to be sorted.

cfoxes said...

I would never get out of my house with a Sorting Door!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for visiting my blog, living my life, whatever
Did you go to my other one that has the TMI Thursday? Day To Day

I love your blog and your humor.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I just re read the title to this. You are so fffing lucky.
The calls that I used to make when I drank. OMG
Maybe that'll be my next TMI.
Talk about humiliation. I wonder if I can remember enough about any of them.
I lost 3 friends for life, I caused 2 divorces and 1 murder. I got beat up twice, once hospitalized. My car was burned. My testicles were removed, twice. I was blinded, twice. And if that wasn't enough, I broke a nail.

justsomethoughts... said...

This across-the-board disparaging of spandex is totally unacceptable.

Rebecca said...

There just needs to be a sorting everything. A life sorter, if you will. Putting you in the right city, country, apartment, with all the right people who will fight Voldewhore with you. Eff this randomness, why can't a magical hat make all our life-changing decisions for us?

Oh and congrats on picking up one of the biggest franchises in history. A few years late, but welcome to the HP family nonetheless, we always welcome new muggles. ;)

Joshua said...

I wish my car would talk to me in a British accent. That would make the driv to work awesome. Plus we could make snarky comments about other drivers. Sweet!


Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Sorting slippers. Slide into them first thing in the morning, or for those times you're just a little out of "sorts."

Lana Banana said...

two things: 1) i have an ass hat you can borrow (not quite the same as a sorting hat, but very similar) and 2) EVERYTHING, not just doors, sound better with an english accent.

ps: i soooooo LOVE your blog.

Vic said...

There's a math teacher on our campus that wears what looks like the Sorting Hat every day. He rarely speaks, and is incapable of eye contact. He is lacking in whimsy.

It's probably a malfunctioning Sorting Hat though.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Sorting pants! Genius! Allow me to be the 546th person to say it, "Leggings, tights, whatever you call them are meant to be worn under short little dresses. NOT, I repeat, NOT under long tops of any kind. It's not attractive, people. I don't care how great your body is. Want to look your worst, put on some leggings with a sweater.

OK, I feel better now.

mapstew said...

Sorting Underwear?

The possibilities!


Berowne said...

And of course there's a definite for a sorting plate. At lunch, the plate would whisper: "For God's sake, don't eat this omelet." :-)

Molly Potter said...

Thought sorter got its own blog post...you made me comment and then I got all inspired...you pack that in....you'll get to see what one looks like


Jayne Martin said...

LOL! Wow! You really did run with that one. I'll never be able to look at Harry Potter again without thinking "Sorting Pants." Yes, I believe you're onto something there.