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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

You Know What Sounds Good Right Now? NOT The Fruit Platter.

I live in a tidy, cozy little home, roughly 1200 square feet. It was built in 1904: the ceilings are high, the woodwork is elaborate, the closets non-existent. You can’t get away with much in a place this size.

Which is why I can tell you that the bathroom air freshener is on my nerves.

But I’m ahead of myself.

Are you familiar with that shelf at the grocery store, the one with the dented cans and the items that never really sold: the chocolate-covered brussel sprouts, the Exploding Marshmallow Loops (now with more fiber!)?

I’m no stranger to that shelf. It’s how I ended up with marked-down deodorant (Coconut Kiss).

And now you know. If something has been marked down and I’m in the market for said thing, I just may buy it.

Frankly, I’m surprised that the coconut-flavored deodorant didn’t catch on. My armpits smell like vacation over here, one in which a pina colada figures prominently.

One of the this-crap-ain’t-sellin’ items that I picked up recently at the Shelf of Failed Products was a citrus-smelling air spray.

Normally, I am not a proponent of air sprays. My original thought on air fresheners echoes my mother’s: If it smells so bad, why don’t you clean it?

But sometimes it’s not a matter of “clean”.

This is the part where I refer you to the line “You can’t get away with much in a place this size”.

Follow me, won’t you, to the bathroom.

It is possible, in our bathroom, for you to easily reach the toilet, the sink, and the bathtub all at the same time. This has yet to come in handy, but the day it does will be both a blessing and, probably, somewhat disgusting.

I’ve had the flu for a full week now. When I’m not sleeping, I’m here, on the couch, just outside the Tiny Bathroom.

And that citrus air spray? Either we are now keeping produce in the bathroom or someone has just pooped a fruit salad.

I am not getting up to find out.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I have a small bathroom, too. Well, actually, two and a half small bathrooms. Last night, while cuddling in bed, I thought my wife had made herself smell all pretty and I thought it was happy, sexy time.

Turns out, what I was smelling was the candle she lit after I had spent a few minutes in the bathroom an hour prior.

ellen abbott said...

Sounds like my bathroom. Sit on the toilet, wash your hands and open the shower door all at one time. No closets here either. I could never understand that about old houses until I learned that back when these houses were built people only had two sets of clothes.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Is it the kind that pfffts automatically? I have a kind of step-on-a-crack-break-your-mother's-back philosophy regarding the pffters. Only it's get-in-and-out-of-there-as-quickly-as-possible-so-you-don't-get-pffted-on-with-stinky-cancer-fumes. If that happens, I do the sign of the cross, just in case. I never realized how weird this was until just now, typing it out.

Feel better!!

Gaston Studio said...

LOL! I've found a few (read later unwanted) items on those same grocery shelves myself. And I know what it is to have a tinyish bathroom but maybe not quite that small.

But citrus airscent? Double yuk! Give me mountain air or ocean spray any old day! ;)))
Hope you feel better soon!

kimber p said...

our bathroom is extremely tiny as well, so when I spray Bath and Bodyworks extra concentrated (2 sprays lasts 4 whole hours!) in "Fresh Balsam", it most sincerely smells as if we're living in the Maine woods.

Mad's mom said...

Um, you said coconut FLAVORED deodorant. Are you sure? And how long have you been tasting deodorant?
I'm hoping this was a case of flu induced derangement.

Stephanie said...

I bought a house built in 1906 this year and am still in the glow of owning this beauty. Love that old wood and the 10' ceilings.

Bathroom fragrance - I just don't like it so I keep a box of wooden matches handy. Light one of those and all fumes dissipate in a poof of sulphur.

Jon said...

some things you've just gotta splurge on... and some things maybe you can do without... this might fit in either of those categories

Kavi said...

Freshners and fragrances in the bathroom seem to be needed all over the world !

Well, not that i thought otherwise. By any stretch of imagination. But seems like your flu has flown.

Thats good news !

CatLadyLarew said...

My bathroom also rivals an airplane toilet in size. At least I can have diarrhea and barf at the same time! But I'm having a bit of trouble with this whole leg immobilizer thing. There's not enough room between the toilet and the sink for me to stretch out my steel clad leg. Guess I might have to pee in the bathtub.

Suzy said...

I smelled some incense in a store and liked it because they were burning it. Chez moi? Not so much. I burned one last night and ended up dunking it in water. Had I been sick, it would have been a nightmare.

Feel better soon..

Jennifer said...

I desperately love your blog and the laughing right out loud I get to have with myself whilst reading it. I almost picked up some "chili beans" with some new fangled spices on that shelf your talking about...the dented can deterred me from my plight. I'm using the word plight a lot today and enjoying it.

I'm sorry for your flu. Today is my first day of REALLY feeling better from having had it beginning about 14 days ago. I'm glad you think to write though...I could not.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Growing up my bedroom was just outside of the bathroom...come to think of it so has my desk at a few jobs, I see a pattern...
Even with the door closed I could smell that damn Airwick, and that was back in the day when the scents were "Regular" and "Extra Strength"
And I love that "Chip and Dent" bin! I bought 6 bottles of hand soap for $3.50!
Of course, as my daughter puts it,it "smells like the soap at the train station"
I sure hope you are starting to feel better and that you are getting some sleep. And if you have that nasty cough that comes as a parting gift from having the flu "Delsym" really helps.

Peace ~ Rene

Douglas said...

Bathrooms should either smell like Lysol or like what they are used for. They are not springtime meadows, they are not flower gardens, they are not piney woods, they are not citrus groves in bloom.

They are rooms where toilets sit. What do you expect?

mapstew said...

I am the only male in a household of five, which means not only the bathrooms (we had to build-on extra!) but the whole house is constantly fragrant! (I've gotten used to it!)

Hey, your sense of smell is back so ya must be getting better! :¬)


Anonymous said...

No, better not to get up to find out. May you be very well very soon.

♥ Braja said...

You got the cheap seats near the bathroom. Get an upgrade....

Kurt said...

I don't know how you live in a house where you can't get away with things. It's pretty much written in to my moral code to try and get away with things.

I want a deodorant that smells like tequila and cheap prostitutes. I'd call it "Barroom Fantasy"

Pop and Ice said...

I sure hope you are feeling better soon. Isn't the flu just awful? And air fresheners, well, they're just not up to the task, I'm afraid.

nsiyer said...

Pearl, your 1200 sq. feet with high celings is what I admire. In Bombay, we have match box like houses with low celings.

Anonymous said...

Matches, light matches first. Then if you need it the spray.

Warty Mammal said...


I'm so sorry for the sickness, but you've certainly cranked out some great posts while "under the influence".