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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Won’t Someone Think of the Timid?

It’s a short work week, what with Christmas Eve and Christmas being paid holidays, so shall we dispense with the frivolities and get straight to the serious poop?

O Mighty iPod! Sustainer of Dreams, Girder of Loins, Portable Groove Dispenser! Having shuffled the following songs into my head for the morning’s commute, what does it tell us about my future?

Punkrocker by Teddybears featuring Iggy Pop
Bitch by The Rolling Stones
Wild, Wild Life by The Talking Heads
I Feel For You by Chaka Khan
The General Specific by Band Of Horses
Berlin by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Blue Skies by Eva Cassidy


It’s the day before the holidays here, and the morning’s commute was a dream: the people with available vacation time have padded the holiday to create a four-day weekend, leaving plenty of open seats for the poor slobs who are working the day before a holiday.

Look at me over here, all stretched out!

It’s how I imagine rich people travel.

In much the same way that dogs smell fear, a seasoned bus rider such as myself also detects the bus newbie (AKA "the bewbie"); and I’ve spent a lot of time this last year contemplating how we can make the bus, in all its proletariat glory, more accessible, more palatable.

Just look at ‘em , huddled near the bus driver, studiously examining and re-examining their cuticles – a plethora of seats await them at the back of the bus, but will they venture down the aisle toward them?

They will not.

They don’t even see them. They daren’t look around, lest they meet the eyes of a human being they don’t know.

But hey! You know me. I’m here for the people, and I want to help.

You! Huddled near the exits! How can we make you more comfortable?

So here it is, yet another bus-related offering from Pearl.

Ideas to help frightened commuters:

  1. Free neck massage! Someone with warm hands, a clean criminal record, and a bottle of hand sanitizer will be by shortly.
  2. In-transit movies!
  3. Certificates regarding mental competency, health, hygiene, and/or intent attached to the foreheads of your fellow passengers. This morning’s offerings? You have a choice of sitting next to the guy who sets fires in his garage or the guy who thinks your footwear makes you look hot.
  4. Hot Chocolate Fridays! And don’t forget: it’s BYOM! (Bring Your Own Marshmallows)
  5. The truth as to why everyone on the bus looks so appealing? Rose-colored windows! It’s all in the lighting, baby. Oh, and Tequila Tuesdays – that helps everyone look better, too.
  6. And finally: Puppies! All commuters boarding before 8:00 a.m. will receive a puppy specifically for the ride. Just remember: No keepsies! You must turn in your puppy when you leave.

There. I think we have our start, don’t you?


Little Ms Blogger said...

Love the iPod tunes and the puppy idea, but I would keep the puppy. How do you give back a puppy? You don't.

powdergirl said...

Can Wednesday be "Ladies Day" on the bus?

Those shoulder massages could be performed by shirtless chippendale dancers, er, young men just working their way through college, and if there's any tequila left over from Tuesday, well, that'll keep those rose colored glasses from going dull.

I'll bring a blender!

Pearl said...

Little Miss Blogger, puppies are for petting and nuzzling only. :-) Oh, OK. You can keep the puppy!

Powder, dagnabit it girl why didn't I think of Ladies Day?! You are right, as usual!

The Jules said...

Bewbies? Puppies? Marshmallows?

Nork theme!

Jay said...

Gotta love the stress free holiday commute.

Anonymous said...

Love the idea of making commuter travel more comfortable for passengers!

And Eva Cassidy - one of my absolute favourites!

My name is PJ. said...

I'm a simpler gal myself. I'd be happy with #3....if it were applied to every living soul. Then I could choose what side of the street to walk down or whether I should actually stop at a stop light or scoot through for safety sake....

Merry Christmas, Pearl!

justsomethoughts... said...

between the neck massage and tequilas, i think you're onto something.
if your name comes up for person-in-charge-of-decisions-regrading-transit, i will vote for you.

and the shuffle list looks pretty good, i say.

Irish Gumbo said...

'Portable Groove Dispenser' is a great name for a funk band! I'm in! I'll play bagpipes, or tuba!

Now I want a puppy...

Kevin Musgrove said...

Last time somebody asked a lady about puppies on our bus the driver radioed for a policeman.

Beth said...

So many words here that I plan to weave into my vocabulary for the day. Daren't. Bewbies. Portable Groove Dispenser.

I'm all about Tequila Tuesday.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

It’s how I imagine rich people travel.

OMG, that's the one thing rich people have that I really covet!

As for your commuter-friendly ideas, you really should help the MTC with their marketing. Flattering lighting? I'm there.

And finally, I can't let Eva Cassidy go by without a shout-out...we have all her albums...what a fabulous voice she had.

Pearl said...

Great, Jules. Now I need to look up "Nork". :-)

And to the folks who love Eva Cassidy, all I can say is "me, too". What a beautiful voice. Any of you looking to add another fantastic swing/jazz/big band style female to the list of people they pretend to be when they're playing make-believe, you must check out Eva.

Vic said...

"Bewbies" is my favorite new dictionary word. It's there, right?

I think there's no better bus combination than tequila and puppies - hot chocolate makes their fur sticky.

Merry Christmas to you,too!

Kurt said...

If you're going to be offering "bewbies" than I will ride the bus every day forever from now on. Wait...that doesn't mean what I thought it meant. Cancel that.

Seeing Eye Chick said...

having been a *Bewbie--I feel like perhaps you filmed my first city bus ride. I like this idea of Tequila Tuesdays. That causes me to want to move to your part of the country to give it a try. Oh Hot Chocolate rides, can I just bring more Tequila? I like it better than marshmallows. And if I end up naked, could I borrow a puppy to make it to my door. To cover the jangly bits?

Jayne Martin said...

Tequila and puppies! Sign me up. I often think I see puppies after ingesting enough tequila. Sometimes they are flying...

Merry Christmas Pearl!

Douglas said...

Merry Christmas, Pearl... just in case I forget (i am getting old, you know). No puppies, please!

Santa Claus said...

HO HO HO! Merry Christmas from me and Otin!

No Christmas songs on the list?

secret agent woman said...

I'm sorry, but this post makes me glad for the first time that I live in a twon too small for public transportation!

mapstew said...

What about Babies!

I could be more than happy if I could cuddle a baby on bus rides.

I can give em back at the end, but I just love me some baby huggin'!

Happy holidays my friend.


Kavi said...

You have a start here ?!?! Phew. To me, that looks like the whole journey ! :)

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hot Chocolate Fridays would get me on the bus!!!!
Great idea.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

This is why I no longer ride public transport. I kept forgetting the puppies were not free and got busted with a poodle down my jumper. I may search the world but will never feel what I felt that ride until I got busted. Thanks you poodle and damn you transit authority.

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

Reminds me of a sign I saw somewhere "Children left unattended will be given a cappuccino and a free puppy".