It’s a short work week, what with Christmas Eve and Christmas being paid holidays, so shall we dispense with the frivolities and get straight to the serious poop?
O Mighty iPod! Sustainer of Dreams, Girder of Loins, Portable Groove Dispenser! Having shuffled the following songs into my head for the morning’s commute, what does it tell us about my future?
Punkrocker by Teddybears featuring Iggy Pop
Bitch by The Rolling Stones
Wild, Wild Life by The Talking Heads
I Feel For You by Chaka Khan
The General Specific by Band Of Horses
Berlin by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Blue Skies by Eva Cassidy
It’s the day before the holidays here, and the morning’s commute was a dream: the people with available vacation time have padded the holiday to create a four-day weekend, leaving plenty of open seats for the poor slobs who are working the day before a holiday.
Look at me over here, all stretched out!
It’s how I imagine rich people travel.
In much the same way that dogs smell fear, a seasoned bus rider such as myself also detects the bus newbie (AKA "the bewbie"); and I’ve spent a lot of time this last year contemplating how we can make the bus, in all its proletariat glory, more accessible, more palatable.
Just look at ‘em , huddled near the bus driver, studiously examining and re-examining their cuticles – a plethora of seats await them at the back of the bus, but will they venture down the aisle toward them?
They will not.
They don’t even see them. They daren’t look around, lest they meet the eyes of a human being they don’t know.
But hey! You know me. I’m here for the people, and I want to help.
You! Huddled near the exits! How can we make you more comfortable?
So here it is, yet another bus-related offering from Pearl.
Ideas to help frightened commuters:
- Free neck massage! Someone with warm hands, a clean criminal record, and a bottle of hand sanitizer will be by shortly.
- In-transit movies!
- Certificates regarding mental competency, health, hygiene, and/or intent attached to the foreheads of your fellow passengers. This morning’s offerings? You have a choice of sitting next to the guy who sets fires in his garage or the guy who thinks your footwear makes you look hot.
- Hot Chocolate Fridays! And don’t forget: it’s BYOM! (Bring Your Own Marshmallows)
- The truth as to why everyone on the bus looks so appealing? Rose-colored windows! It’s all in the lighting, baby. Oh, and Tequila Tuesdays – that helps everyone look better, too.
- And finally: Puppies! All commuters boarding before 8:00 a.m. will receive a puppy specifically for the ride. Just remember: No keepsies! You must turn in your puppy when you leave.
There. I think we have our start, don’t you?