I have several events/gatherings to attend/host in the next few days. But before I settle into serious party mode; I need to set some things straight.
Number One, should anything, shall we say, untoward happen to me between now and the New Year, please notify Pat O. The spotlight that throws a large Happy Face into the sky is up in the attic. Turn it on and leave it on. When she sees the sign, she’ll know I am dead and that it’s time to dispose of the contents of Drawers 1, 2, 5, and 6 of my bedroom dresser. Pat: the brown stuff is a decoy, the green stuff is mad potent, and the batteries are all fresh, capische? Also, remember what we talked about regarding the love letters? Do it.
Additionally, if something dreadful does happen, the list of likely suspects is in my underwear drawer, right under the bail money but not as deep as the limericks. Before you let the accusations fly, however, please cross-check it against the list of those owing me money and try to get the money first.
To all the men I’ve loved, lost, sold, misplaced and tortured, one of you was my True Love. Guess which one. Ha ha. Just kidding. You know it was you all along, baby!
To my son, a boy what never reads his mother's blog, the insurance money is all yours. Remember what I said about spending it all on hookers and blow and how you should not? That's right -- Mommy will be haunting the bathroom and your car until you do right. Just so's you know.
Also, should the police inquire, the stats on my driver’s license are 100% accurate, right down to being 5’8” and 130 pounds. There may have been some shrinkage throughout the years. And swelling.
Moreover, if, heaven forbid, there’s a repeat of the ’92 debacle in which I agreed that driving to South Dakota in a snow storm is an excellent idea, and I fail to appear for work for more than 72 hours, please contact Officer Dreumont just outside of Sturgis. Tell him “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” and he’ll know what you’re talking about. Do what he says and I’m sure everything will be fine.
Well! I think that’s about it, don’t you?
Merry Christmas, everyone.
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