I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Wherein I Make Like A Boy Scout and Get All Prepared and Stuff

I have several events/gatherings to attend/host in the next few days. But before I settle into serious party mode; I need to set some things straight.

Ahem.

Number One, should anything, shall we say, untoward happen to me between now and the New Year, please notify Pat O. The spotlight that throws a large Happy Face into the sky is up in the attic. Turn it on and leave it on. When she sees the sign, she’ll know I am dead and that it’s time to dispose of the contents of Drawers 1, 2, 5, and 6 of my bedroom dresser. Pat: the brown stuff is a decoy, the green stuff is mad potent, and the batteries are all fresh, capische? Also, remember what we talked about regarding the love letters? Do it.

Additionally, if something dreadful does happen, the list of likely suspects is in my underwear drawer, right under the bail money but not as deep as the limericks. Before you let the accusations fly, however, please cross-check it against the list of those owing me money and try to get the money first.

To all the men I’ve loved, lost, sold, misplaced and tortured, one of you was my True Love. Guess which one. Ha ha. Just kidding. You know it was you all along, baby!

To my son, a boy what never reads his mother's blog, the insurance money is all yours. Remember what I said about spending it all on hookers and blow and how you should not? That's right -- Mommy will be haunting the bathroom and your car until you do right. Just so's you know.

Also, should the police inquire, the stats on my driver’s license are 100% accurate, right down to being 5’8” and 130 pounds. There may have been some shrinkage throughout the years. And swelling.

Moreover, if, heaven forbid, there’s a repeat of the ’92 debacle in which I agreed that driving to South Dakota in a snow storm is an excellent idea, and I fail to appear for work for more than 72 hours, please contact Officer Dreumont just outside of Sturgis. Tell him “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” and he’ll know what you’re talking about. Do what he says and I’m sure everything will be fine.

Well! I think that’s about it, don’t you?

Merry Christmas, everyone.

15 comments:

CatLadyLarew said...

Happy, Happy Christmas, Pearl! I shall follow all instructions given. Take it easy on the eggnog.

xoxoxo
CatLady

Warty Mammal said...

This is the best introduction to the Christmas season I've seen yet.

To quote Hunter Thompson's erstwhile attorney, "As your attorney, I advise you to begin drinking."

Irish Gumbo said...

Damnation, woman...I was an Eagle Scout, yet you make me look like a piker!

I gotta get my money out from under my limericks...


Happy Christmas, Pearl!

Jenny said...

This was absolutely fantastic. hahaha. :)

Have a wonderful Christmas!

Kavi said...

'And some swelling'. Well, for some others, its all about swelling ! Either putting it on or taking it off ! :)

Merry Xmas and have a wonderful time ahead !

Lynn said...

You are
soooo
damn
funny!
I wish I had written that!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Wow, FOUR drawers to be cleaned out! No wonder you need to Be Prepared! Have a Merry Christmas -- but I don't need to tell YOU that, do I?

justsomethoughts... said...

pearl, you are hilarious
as usual
a merry one to you and yours

The Retired One said...

you forgot about your underwear drawer and that fantasy closet, Pearl..don't worry, I have it covered (at least more than YOU did)....
(wink, wink).

powdergirl said...

Merry Christmas Pearl, thanks again for the laughs!

secret agent woman said...

Be careful. :)

The Jules said...

Have you got someone lined up for taking over as Pearl in case you get a bout of untowarditis?.

If Batman can be replaced, ANYONE an be replaced.

Merry Chrimbo.

Drive safe.

Tempo said...

..trying to come up with something witty..but you've used all the 'witty' up for today.. Merry Christmas Pearl

mapstew said...

Merry Christmas Madperson!

xxx

sage said...

Merry Christmas and thanks for bringing a few smiles to my face...