I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

They’re Not Pets, They’re Fuzzy Little Utilities

I’m on vacation over here – a full week off; and I hardly know what to do with myself.

I’ve made my bed every day, done the dishes every day. The floors are clean, I’m writing and I’m on Facebook often enough that I believe I know several people with Farkle addictions.

I’ve stood with my upturned face to the sun, eyes shut. I’ve dedicated one full evening to the embracement of the salty, lime-y goodness that is the margarita and its partner in crime, the well-made salsa.

And I’ve been watching the cats.

You’ve met the cats, yes?

There’s Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), a small-pawed and impertinent cat with a penchant for taking late-night phone calls in the bathroom (with the water running, the little bugger). She’s been known to take my car when I’m asleep, although she always returns it with a full tank.

Money as scarce as it is these days, I’ve overlooked this behavior. Anyway, what can I do but overlook it? The last time I called the police to report that my cat had taken my car without my permission, the laughter on the other end of the phone stayed with me for days.

And then there’s Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers). Dolly is as beautiful as she is dumb, drags bits of string about the house whilst mewing between clenched teeth, and will someday make a lovely muff.

And all this got me thinking. Cats aren’t just pets, aren’t just little fuzzy beings in their own right.

They’re also fully utilitarian.

For example, they’re very useful purely for their heating properties. Temperatures well below zero? Don’t have enough blankets? Have you considered covering yourself with kitties?

Cats are also quite useful as alarm clocks. Confused and concerned that I have slept past my usual time of 6:20, both cats feels it’s their duty to remind me, in three-minute increments, that I am not up, that I should get up, that I still am not up, that they believe I should get up.

Cats are also useful, in these difficult times, as food. You’re going to want to use a sour cream-style sauce, of course, to cut the wild taste.

I recommend a Pale Ale with Kitty Stroganoff.

I keed! I keed!


I would pair it with wine; and oddly enough, there is no wine that doesn’t complement cat…



Thank goodness I have all this time on my hands, huh?

26 comments:

♥ Braja said...

Run Liza Bean!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carol said...

My cat is driving me nuts because he's an indoor/outdoor cat (best of both worlds) and right now it's friggin cold so there isn't much to hunt or good outdoor cat litter space. He is getting cranky and demanding lots of shoulder time. Like, in your face, can I be your scarf for a few hours? It really makes it difficult to blog!

Gregory said...

two of them, yes count, 1,2....
for details, go here....http://ariesworld1.blogspot.com/

The Jules said...

You forget their use as a musical instrument as well.

Of course, you'll need another six for a full octave. And the kitteh mallet.

Felinae said...

We have 9, I refer to them often as Satan's Minions or the Devil's Spawn. ;)

7 of them were strays, 1 came from the shelter and 1 came from a rescue.

Wouldn't trade one of the evil critters for anything. :)

ellen abbott said...

My kitty keeps going from door to door looking for summer. I'm right there with her.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Trying so hard not to type the word Meowlot. Crap. I lost that battle.

Pair them with a nice Meowlot. Crap. Shoot me.

justsomethoughts... said...

no bloody marys ?

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Cats are the best. Sure my Admiral Fluffy (who raised himself up from the poop deck...literally) can cop an attitude but there is no one better to help me hide a body or sweet talk some nosey lady cop coming around asking alot of fool questions.

Pearl said...

:-)

Braja, Liza Bean better watch her fuzzy butt! One more wake-up call at 6:20...

Carol, I think the cats have meetings where these things are discussed...

Gregory, be right there!

Jules, that is just plain funny.

Felinae, I can only assume you have a bigger place than I do -- which isn't really hard to do. I love my little aminals, of course, but it doesn't keep me from having a little fun at their expense...

ellen, I agree with you. Liza and Dolly get to go in the backyard when I do, and I can assure you that I will not be there for another four-five months!

Steamie, Oh, my. Meowlot. :-) That is EXACTLY the wine that you pair with cat. Dammit anyway. Why didn't I think of that?! Good one.

justsomethoughts, Dammit! Bloodies. Why hadn't I thought of Bloodies?!

Cal, Admiral Fluffy? The nautical Fluffys? I love those guys. :-)

Mandy's Kidding said...

I have this week off and I already have cabin fever.

CatLadyLarew said...

Whatever you do, just don't send the kitties to me! Kitties are like grandchildren... fun to see at somebody else's house, but make you glad you don't have to keep them forever. Enjoy the rest of your week off. MMMMM.... margaritas, chips & salsa!

Jeanne said...

Ah-choo! I like them -- but from a distance.

Beer Drinker said...

Hmmm. I think I've found a cat lover's paradise. I didn't even realize that "cat" and "vacation" could be placed within 3 paragraphs without some sort of legal fallout.

Maybe you have been drinking (beer). At least I hope so for your sake. :)

Menopausal New Mom said...

Reading all that makes me glad I don't have a cat. As far as staying warm, I'll take an old quilt over kittens any day Lol! Would love to try your margaritas and salsa! I'm on my way over!

Passion said...

I have a cat so that when I drop food don't have to stoop to pick it up, 'Mouser' runs in, crash tackles any stray bits and pieces and runs off before you can say "oi, that's my dinner!'

Kavi said...

Truly multipurpose ! I cant tell of one alarm clock that will shake me out of bed and keep me warm too !

Hmm ! Not to forget the other properties !!!

:)

Tempo said...

Hmm, no cats for me! I like dogs and I've found that two Fox Terriers dont play share house with any other animal.
Aint it terrible what a few days off will do to the mind?

Kabbalah Rookie said...

Glad you popped by my blog - thank you. And this is possibly the funniest piece of writing on cats I have read in a long while and highly informative too - there was me thinking that cats were only useful as dusters. Or slippers.

My name is PJ. said...

Geez, what I was going to write I had to erase because, while funny, there's always someone in the class that will ruin it for the rest of us.

I have three felines: one thinks and acts like a dog - hangs with the four dogs and does what they do; one is a french whore (thank goodness we neuter our pets is all I can say to that); and one suffers from a hysterical pregnancy she actually named Harvey. We can't bring ourselves to tell her she's fat.

Cats are, indeed, fuzzy beings - each with their own baggage....and there are times I'd like to pack their baggage for them and point them in the direction of my father's house.

Cyrus Rumi said...

Happy New Year!

Cyrus :)

JennyMac said...

We have one of those furry little alarm clocks. Apparently early morning hours are the only time her voice is capable of working because we hear not a peep about 22 hours out of the day.

Kitty stroganoff? I am going to drop that idea around here.

secret agent woman said...

Maybe a little too much time?

I actually love cats, but am wildly allergic so have none.

Douglas said...

I used to have three cats but, after a stint in rehab, I am recovering well.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

You know, I've always thought of my lab as more of an emergency food source than the cats. But now that you said it, I'm starting to rethink this. I do, after all, have 5 of them...

Secretia said...

Pearl, my cat is si thoughtful most of the time that it scares me, ha ha