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Monday, December 7, 2009

That, and I Can Skate Backwards

You can go to the Weather Channel if you like. You can consult the ol' home barometer or listen to the radio for storm updates. Me?

I’m relying on my hair.

It’s a family thing, a gift, really. My mother has the gift, as does my sister, this ability to predict the weather with our hair. Of course, we’ve yet to find a market for it – or even someone who will listen to us talk about it without absentmindedly checking their Blackberries, but I remain confident that this is my talent.

If I could only convince my bank that it’s an asset.

Do you know about this gift of mine?

Some people are naturally slender. Some people can add long columns of numbers in their heads. Me?

I have weather-forecasting hair.

It’s simple, really.

If my hair has gone from semi-controllable waves to Oh-My-God-Are-You-OK-Pearl? then it’s humid out. It’s the look of the mad woman, the look of someone who’s just gotten off a rollercoaster or recently volunteered at the Science Museum for something undignified. When you see this, you know to change to cooler clothing and avoid crowds.

If my hair is plastered to my forehead, it’s very hot out. Seek the shadows.

And if my hair goes completely straight and flies about my head as if trying to warn others of danger, it’s dry and most likely cold enough outside to keep meat. There's not actually any danger, but you'll probably want to check the snowblower and make sure there's food in the house because you're not really going to want to go outside for a bit.

Oh. And you should probably moisturize.

There are other hair-related signs, of course, if you're paying attention, that are more indicative of where we are in the year.

For example, if my hair is braided and twisted around my ears it's most likely Halloween, and I think I’m Princess Leia. Either that or it’s Oktoberfest, I think I’m German, and I’m gonna drink a lot and want to engage in swaying communal singing later. (There’s no real “weather watch” connected to that one – it's just a warning in general.)

There are others, of course, with this gift. There’s a woman who gets on the bus several stops after I do who has The Gift. Our eyes met this morning, the sympathetic look of strangers who feel each other’s pain. We exchange the Grimace of Acknowledgment: a thin-lipped smile, of sorts, passes between us, a look that says “I know you had hoped to look better today, but the lack of humidity…”

Neither one of us left the house looking like this -- it created itself in the streets between the front door and the bus stop. Today's lack of moisture requires leave-in conditioners and a ride to our respective stops; and since all I require of myself in the morning is that dress myself and lock up on the way out, what were the odds that I’d have time to wash, dry, and style my hair?

Let's not be silly.

I'm not alone. There's comfort in that.

Minnesota? Tomorrow will be dry and cold, followed by more dry and cold.

And you? What's your hair saying today?

28 comments:

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

HUMID and FRIZZY

Jayne Martin said...

My hair is saying "Wash me. I'm begging you." Since working at home is without all those pesky personal hygiene issues that going out into the world requires, since I've been bogged down with work this week, since my tree-trimming party plans have me in a spin, and most important, since I addicted to visiting and commenting on all my favorite blogs every day, I've been a little lax this week. But today's the day! And maybe I'll shower, too. What the hell.

Daffy said...

CUT AND COLOR YA HAG...that's what mine is saying....

Kurt said...

My hair is saying "Why are you commenting on a girly blog post about hair?" and to that I say "Shut up, Hair! It was a good story!"

My point is: hate the hair, not the head underneath.

Pearl said...

Lee -- Humid. :-) Ahh. Humidity. I miss it. Was just on the phone with my friend Mary, who had to get off the phone because she developed a spontaneous nosebleed! :-) It is very, very dry up here right now (as well as cold -- and we are expecting below zero temperatures by Thursday...)

Jayne -- ah! More we have in common! I used to work as a freelance courtreporter; and with all the time you end up spending at home, it is conceivable that you will spend it in your pajamas...

Daffy, I suspect that our hair may know each other. Due for a hair coloring in 5, 4, 3...

Kurt :-) Hate the hair, not the head. Do you know how much I wish I'd thought of that? Do you?

Jennifer said...

Oh, I have this gift...BIG TIME!

Jennifer said...

and one more thing...Can you do the cross over while skating? Not just while skating but to the beat of the music? THIS IS TALENT! I have that talent...oh yes...I HAVE THIS TALENT!!!

Pearl said...

Jennifer, my cross-over works only when I'm taking a left! :-)

Kavi said...

Have you considered working for the weather department. My hair stands up when they make atrocious pronouncements. 'It may or may not rain today'. Yeah. Sure !

Douglas said...

Women worry about what their hair looks like, men just worry about having it. I do not have that particular problem... though it is thinning (thanks, Mom)... But my hair is only comb-able when wet, otherwise it has thousands of individual minds. In any case, so long as I am not bald, I will not be vain about it.

lisleman said...

I still have plenty so that's great.
"Science Museum for something undignified" - what could be undignified at a science museum? Did I miss a post?

Hair today gone tomorrow!

Pearl said...

Kavi, I like that! Funny!

Douglas, I must admit I do care what I look like when I go out. My mother never went anywhere without being "presentable" and neither do I. My friends have all been warned that should something horrible happen and I'm found somewhere, lifeless, in sweats and sans lipstick that leaving the house was NOT my idea and I was taken by force.

Lisleman, you didn't miss anything. :-) I was just picturing me with my hands on one of those static electricity balls, those things where your hair stands on end. :-)

savannah said...

since moving to the south, my hair has only 2 styles wild and wilder! xoxox

Mad's mom said...

Mine is saying: would you give up already and cut me? You're not a 20 something Jcrew model.

I'm pretending that I don't speak hair.

Brian Miller said...

i got tired of what my hair was saying, so i cut it all off...

mapstew said...

Mine is saying "You lazy Bastard"!
(I haven't shaved me head since Friday, that's a long time for me!)

xxx

otin said...

My hair is saying "HMM, if we are going to stop populating his scalp, then let's start growing from his earlobes!"

Courtney said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! I also have the gift, but I keep my hair short enough to rob it of the power of prophecy most days.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Mine is saying, "Let's not go to work tomorrow; it's gonna be cold and snowy you're gonna wear ear muffs that leave a flat strip right across the top of your head." And my reply is that if it snows enough, then my ENTIRE head will be flat. Sigh.

Secretia said...

You are the best weather girl then!

Secretia

Carol said...

My hair begs, screams for a new hair style!
Oh how I love the humidity that makes my bangs curl like WIRE! Only to be blessed with dry and frizzy all winter long.

fingers said...

Last Sunday my hair was slimy and had pieces of carrot in it, which told me I probably had too much to drink at the Fleetwood Mac concert the night before...

Joanna Jenkins said...

My hair is saying it's raining cats and dogs in Los Angeles!

Very funny post Pearl. Thanks.
xo

My name is PJ. said...

My hair says, 'early morning grogginess giving way to midday semi-alertness. Brainlessness by midafternoon, followed by increasing darkness...'
Shit, that's my 10 day forecast! Damn my follicles!

That Baldy Fella said...

If my head is wet, it's raining. If my head is covered in ice, it's winter. If it's covered in sweat, it's summer.

It's a careful system.

Menopausal New Mom said...

My hair is saying "get to the hairdresser" but usually it's just flat and stringy and pasted to my head by the time I get out of the salon and into the truck.

justsomethoughts... said...

it's saying adios!

just kidding.
but that WAS a perfect response, wasn't it ?

oh c'mon.
it was funny.

Jocelyn said...

Is this your way of telling me you saw me in the bathroom at work today when I was licking my palms and running them down the sides of my head?