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Monday, December 14, 2009

Press "1" to Hear the Sound of Your Car Being Towed from the Front of Your House

“Thank you for calling the City of Minneapolis Snow Emergency Hot Line.

“To have the Snow Emergency Rules explained to you, please complete the following transaction: Press “1” for English, “2” for Hmong, “3” for Somali, “4” for Tagalog, “5” for it to be delivered to you in a Cockney accent or “6” to have someone come to your house and spell it out on your fridge with magnetized letters.

BEEP!

“Thank you for choosing “English”.

“Snow Emergencies are a set of predefined parking regulations that allow crews to completely clear streets of accumulating snow.

“Today is DAY TWO of the City of Minneapolis Snow Emergency. Do not park on the even side of the street between 8:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. or until plowed. You can park on the odd side of the street following 8:00 p.m., once it’s been plowed, or if you are under 5 feet tall.

“If you are under five feet tall and cannot move your car after 8:00 p.m., please call the police and sit in your car on as many telephone books as is necessary until help arrives. Try not to look adorably tiny.

“You may park on either side of the streets displaying a red "Snow Emergency Route" sign, but you may not park on either side of a parkway, despite it sounding like you could.

“Day Two of a Snow Emergency does not allow for parking on the even side of a non-Snow Emergency route, nor does it allow for no geetar playin' 'round here.

Maps of non-Snow Emergency routes may be obtained by contacting a local government official or by staring into a mirror in a darkened room chanting “Bloody Snow Emergency, Bloody Snow Emergency, Bloody Snow Emergency” – whichever one frightens you less.

“A Snow Emergency will be declared no later than 6 p.m. , but you are free to move your car to whatever side of the street seems to have the most cars on it in the hopes that your neighbors know something you do not.

“Please remember that what your neighbors believe to be true, if untrue, will not save you: and we are happy to tow whole blocks at a towing fee of $185 a pop plus a concurrent ticket of $130 each.

“If you have further questions, please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly to abuse you in a barely understandable urban-based slang.

"Current wait-time is 749 minutes."

BEEP!

31 comments:

De Campo said...

Hahaha!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

LOL! Awesome. Thank you for the laugh. I fell on my a$$ on the driveway this morning (that was covered with black ice. Black driveway + Black ice + me = lots of laughter for the neighbors) so this made me feel better.

sage said...

That's funny! Small town life is better--they'll just plow your vehicle away.

Jeanne said...

The last winter I lived in St. Paul (96-97), we averaged 2 feet of snow on the ground from Thanksgiving until May. At the beginning of the winter, I contracted to have someone shovel my driveway, cleverly choosing to pay-as-I-went, rather than falling for the pay-$400-and-you're done scam.

I believe that gentleman is now residing in St. Tropez on the money I paid him.

Old Dog loves to reminisce about walking my dog through between snowbanks so high that he could hear the traffic on the other side, but not see it.

Kavi said...

Seems like some snow. Hmm. And seems like you folks are pretty well off with figuring the odd from the even !

Hmm.. !!

:)

A riot of a post

CJ said...

Isn't the Midwest grand this time of the year? Blah!!

Menopausal New Mom said...

So bloody typical, I hate Winter and getting lost in voicemail hell which can happen any time of the year! Thanks for reminding me how lucky I am to have a driveway even if I do have to shovel it!

DownTownDan said...

This is freakin hilarious. I know nothing about you, have never dropped by your blog, don't know who Pearl is. But this post is a masterpiece. You officially intrigue me.

Jess said...

Ahhh, the joys of not knowing what this is like. We do have to change our cars from one side of the street to the other on street sweep nights. That is a pain. But no, I know nothing about this dreaded snow plow thing...whew.

Jayne Martin said...

I just want to crawl inside your mind, curl up, and stay awhile. You always make me smile.

drollgirl said...

gah!!!! snow! WHAT A NIGHTMARE!!! it was pouring rain in los angeles and you would have thought it was ARMAGEDDON. i cannot even imagine having to deal with snow!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

no wonder you travel by bus!

Rachel Cotterill said...

I've never even heard of this kind of thing... I think I can tell which bits are exaggeration, but I'm British, we just shut the whole country when it snows.......

Douglas said...

I should write about the Snow That Caused Us To Move To Florida Or Else. Or maybe the Blizzard of `89 in Jacksonville. It wouldn't be as funny, though. We only shovel sunshine and rain here and have no plows. You can park on any side of the (way too narrow) streets you wish and the drunks will still damage your car on the way home. But no one will tow your car away. We do have the same problems getting through to the bureaucrats.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Och, snow is nae bother to my lot, we've been buried in it for years. When we've had our fill, we shovel it down to England and watch them grind to a halt.

Anyone seen my car keys?

KaLynn said...

No snow. Just rain and mud. So only the street sweeper comes by. OH WAIT! Not in my town! We have less than 2000, I don't think we OWN a street sweeper!

So you can come park in front of my house! I have room!!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Pearl, this is a masterpiece.... I am SO thankful I don't have to park on the street, as I did for years. I managed never to get towed, but one time it was about 40 degrees at midnight, then rained and snowed and turned insanely cold within a couple of hours, freezing my tires in six inches of ice. They couldn't tow people because they couldn't get our cars free. Ah, good times.

My name is PJ. said...

There's a party in your head I want to go to, but the guest list must be limited to one! Darn!

I live where snow is rarely an issue and right now I'm doing the happy dance.

This is a very funny look at frustration. Do they mix mood levelers in the water supply there?

Jen said...

The towtruck drivers must love this time of year.

Kurt said...

A snow emergency is like when the snow is poisonous or made out of frozen bricks, right?

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I love your new font. It's much easier on my old eyes.

Good luck if there is a day three. They don't plow our dirt roads.

Hugs!!

mrwriteon said...

Thank you for the delightful way you express even the shitty things in life. I say this as snow is pelting down outside this window.

mapstew said...

It's the way you tell 'em! :¬)

xxx

Ugich Konitari said...

Maybe Minnealpolis police need to follow non-violence. Maybe they should be reading Braja's post , and hire those fellows who radiate chewing gum energy as they grin. The evens and odds will surely melt into a confusing slush.

And it works only if you say "Jai HO" at the end.

(Sending you some wild rays of hot sunshine from sweaty Mumbai....)

chitra said...

Nice way of presenting. Hilarious!

Little Ms Blogger said...

This was extremely funny and having lived in Boston where the parking rules were insane (never mind the snow rules), I can just imagine you want to park your car in a garage and have the City supply you a driver 24/7. I would.

Lynda said...

Aching for snow.. but after reading that...perhaps not so much. LOL. Great laugh. "try not to look too adorable..hahaha"

mepsipax said...

See this is why I am not cool with Winter. At least we don't have to deal with snow. Sucks to be you. Ah ha. Sit on some phone books. Cockney accent. I love it.

SweetPeaSurry said...

You know ... I clicked the little like button in my reader, then I thought to myself ... 'I don't want Pearl getting the wrong idea here, I don't want her think I'm maliciously laughing at her towing problems.' I'm not ... but I suspect that I like other's can find empathy in your situation. Effin snow emergencies!!!

ladyfi said...

Oh no! Hope you get your car back...

Thanks for the laugh.

bettyl said...

Wow! They were never that organized when I lived outside Chicago. I do remember Dad driving home as far as he could, then shoveling out a space to put the car until the next day. And we walked over the top of a red VW bug for weeks because it got 'plowed in'. Such memories.....so glad they are not even a blip on my radar these days!!

Your post is hysterical!