“Thank you for calling the City of Minneapolis Snow Emergency Hot Line.
“To have the Snow Emergency Rules explained to you, please complete the following transaction: Press “1” for English, “2” for Hmong, “3” for Somali, “4” for Tagalog, “5” for it to be delivered to you in a Cockney accent or “6” to have someone come to your house and spell it out on your fridge with magnetized letters.
“Thank you for choosing “English”.
“Snow Emergencies are a set of predefined parking regulations that allow crews to completely clear streets of accumulating snow.
“Today is DAY TWO of the City of Minneapolis Snow Emergency. Do not park on the even side of the street between 8:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. or until plowed. You can park on the odd side of the street following 8:00 p.m., once it’s been plowed, or if you are under 5 feet tall.
“If you are under five feet tall and cannot move your car after 8:00 p.m., please call the police and sit in your car on as many telephone books as is necessary until help arrives. Try not to look adorably tiny.
“You may park on either side of the streets displaying a red "Snow Emergency Route" sign, but you may not park on either side of a parkway, despite it sounding like you could.
“Day Two of a Snow Emergency does not allow for parking on the even side of a non-Snow Emergency route, nor does it allow for no geetar playin' 'round here.
Maps of non-Snow Emergency routes may be obtained by contacting a local government official or by staring into a mirror in a darkened room chanting “Bloody Snow Emergency, Bloody Snow Emergency, Bloody Snow Emergency” – whichever one frightens you less.
“A Snow Emergency will be declared no later than 6 p.m. , but you are free to move your car to whatever side of the street seems to have the most cars on it in the hopes that your neighbors know something you do not.
“Please remember that what your neighbors believe to be true, if untrue, will not save you: and we are happy to tow whole blocks at a towing fee of $185 a pop plus a concurrent ticket of $130 each.
“If you have further questions, please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly to abuse you in a barely understandable urban-based slang.
"Current wait-time is 749 minutes."
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