I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

You’re Not Going to Put That in Your Mouth, Are You?

Shall we just get this little announcement out of the way so that we can move on with our day?

Thursday the 5th will be my 500th post in as many days. I would’ve bet against it, but there ya go – that’s why I don’t gamble.

I am giving away something small and fairly silly to the person who can introduce my blog to two new readers and provide the answers to the following questions:

Dolly “Gee” Squeakers is formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers. From what family did Liza “Bean” Bitey spring?

Liza Bean Bitey often takes calls on Pearl’s cell phone in what room?

Has Pearl ever been forced to bail Liza Bean out of jail? Extra points for remembering on what occasion the cat was last handcuffed and “taken downtown”.

Would Pearl like to have a beer with you?

In what neighborhood of Minneapolis does Pearl live?

How does Pearl get to work?

Should you talk to Pearl first thing in the morning?

Pearl believes everyone should practice yoga and has listed many reasons why (some of them actually pertaining to its physical benefits). List two.

Obviously, I won’t know if you’ve introduced me to new readers or not. Just know that if you don’t and you say you did that I will, eventually, find out and be forced to come to your house toting a 24-pack whilst you are unawares, whereupon we will sit at the kitchen table drinking for as long as necessary as we figure out what makes you lie and what that may or may not mean for your immortal soul.

Oh, and while we’re drinking those beers? We should have nachos. They really go with beer.

So. That’s enough of the announcements. I’ll make the same announcement Wednesday, too, and then Thursday we’ll see who knows what.


In the meantime, do you have time for a quick story? Because I can’t just hang out here all day, you know.

I love chicken skin. You know – when it’s cooked, when it’s all crispy and brown and just a little salty? Best part of the bird, frankly, and if they made a bird that was skin only, I’d eat it.

OK. That made me a little sick.

My point here is that I love chicken skin.

So we have that established, yes?

Ages ago, my boyfriend (we’ll call him “Jim”) and I were friends with another couple. We drank together, danced together, played board games and were, generally, the kind of spazzes that you expect in couples in their 20s.

“I make the best chicken in the world. Seriously. I’m a really good cook.” She said this on a number of occasions. Eventually I called her on it.

“Yeah? You should make a chicken for us, have us over for dinner.”

And so it came to pass that she and her boyfriend had Jim and I over for dinner.

Ohhhh, the smells. The lovely, lovely smells that came from her kitchen.

“It’s almost done!” she called out. “I’m just making the gravy now!”

Jim and I were on the couch in the living room. He got up for a beer.

“Hey,” I whispered. “While you’re in there, grab me a piece of skin off the chicken! It smells great!”

Moments later, Jim came out of the kitchen and into the living room with a beer in one hand – and what was that in the other?

Lisa was right behind him, munching happily. “The chicken skin is my favorite part!” she enthused.

“Me, too!” I said.

But the look on Jim’s face told another story, and our eyes met as the hand not holding the beer reached out to me, handed me what appeared to be part of a flesh-colored wetsuit…

“We’ll have as much as we like,” Lisa said. “Tommy doesn’t like the skin.”

I looked down at my hand. The chicken skin was a limp, pimpled piece of flotsam. Horrified, I looked back up at Jim.

What have you handed me? My eyes said.

What? I thought you liked skin? His eyes said.

“Try it!” Lisa stood next Jim, beaming.

Jim’s eyes met mine as I raised the skin to my lips… “It smells great,” I said to Lisa.

“I’ll be right back, I’m just going to check the gravy,” Lisa said.

But it was too late. The skin was in my mouth and there was no where to turn.

I swallowed, hastily, furiously. “What the hell are you doing?” I hissed.

“What do you mean?” he said, smiling.

“What do I mean? I mean I’m going to get you. Some day, some way, I’m going to get you.”

I didn’t eat like I thought I would that night, but I did drink three fast beers after that.

I never did “get” Jim. We broke up several years later, and frankly, getting even with him now strikes me as something that will either get me an honorable mention in a special part of the “Crimes in the City” section or pepper-sprayed by whoever he’s with now.

But I’ll never forget the valuable lesson I learned that night.

Get your own damn food.


Jayne Martin said...

Congrats on your 500th post in so many days. I bow to your awesomeness. And who eats limp chicken skin? There was something seriously wrong with that girl. I have no idea if you'd like to have a beer with me, being a fairly new reader, but I'd definitely like to have a beer with you.

Pearl said...

Jayne, I'm sure we could find something to talk about!
And that chicken skin? Still makes me shudder.

Carol said...

Our favorite is from Beer Butt Chicken off the grill - even Ward eats the chicken skin!

500th posts! WOW!

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Congrats on the 500.
I don't know the answer to all those questions. I do know that you live by a park and sometimes there is mysterious trailer that shows up, but nobody is ever there.
You take the bus to work. I'm guessing the bathroom for those cell phone calls. Yes on the beer. And I'm guessing I don't want to talk to you in the morning straight away.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

500!! Holy Shit! I love the chicken skin too and good for you for eating it...I would have said, just wanted to smell it!!

otin said...

The chicken skin story is priceless! I have done things like that where I tell someone how much I love something and then taste theirs and it is awful!

Maelstrom said...


Douglas said...

In the "You shoulda said..." category regarding that chicken skin, I vote for:

"I'd like to save it for breakfast tomorrow, can I have a baggie?"

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Congratulations!! I'm actually surprised that its only 500 given that you have the talent to post every day!

CatLadyLarew said...

I'm going to lie about everything just so you'll have to come to my house with a 24-pack to talk things over. I'll even make chicken skin for you... nice and crispy how you like it!

Not The Rockefellers said...

Congratulations Pearl!
And Sweet Sassy Molassey do I ever love crispy fried chicken skin
but crispy fried duck skin? Hav'ya ever had that?
Oh Sweet Jaysus!!!!


@eloh said...

Sometimes being raised with manners will jump up and kick you right in the gut.

Lucky for the beer, the alcohol killed the lingering bacteria...oh, I think I'm going to vomit.

powdergirl said...

You'd need more than the god manners I was raised with to get limp, pimply, chicken skin past my teeth.

You actually need a sledge hammer.


Yes! Pearl would like to have a beer with me : ) I hope.

Jo said...

Wow! Congratulations on your 500th post.

I almost gagged envisioning that rubber chicken skin. I can't believe you ate it. You're a brave soul! What on earth was the rest of the chicken like?

It sounds to me you're lucky you didn't "get" Jim. :-)

mapstew said...

It' late, I cant sleep, I'm hungry, thirsty and my head hurts!
I'll put the chicken in the oven, you bring the beer and nachos!

mapstew said...

Ps; Many congrats on the impending 500th!

(I need sleep!)


Anonymous said...

I shouldn't ever discuss food after 8pm!

Michelle said...

Yeah... chicken skin is pretty special. Unfortunately, I can only eat about one bite these days. But ummm boo to bad boyfriends not getting these things figured out ;) My stomach turned just thinking about that.

justsomethoughts... said...


1. the adams family
2. in the kitchen with the wrench
3. 3 times (4 if you count the indecent exposure incident).
4. yes yes YES! (see when harry met sally)
5. aruba
6. by bus. duh.
7. depends on whether you want part of your body removed or reshaped.
8. it makes you pretty. and it makes you limber.

we cant all win.

but i do adore your blog. and that should count for something.
keep it up!

as an aside, i stopped eating skin a while back, but i'll still let a piece sneak into my mouth unmolested from time to time. that description of the limp pice of *gag*... did you really *gag* need to write *gag* that ?

Joanna Jenkins said...

FIVE HUNDRED!!!!! You are amazing!

Thanks for all your great writing. I'm betting on you!


Kavi said...

500th post ! Thats plain inhuman. I mean...humanely impossible hitherto !


Congratulations. Your commitment and actioning is something indeed.

Gaston Studio said...

I'm so new to your blog and won't pretend I know any of the answers but I do love your posts and can't imagine 500 posts!

Limp chicken skin is just so gross!

IB said...


Christ on a cracker, that's an ass-load!

Ms Sparrow said...

Congratulations on your 500 Posts!
That is so impressive. Not only that but you also keep up the high quality of interesting, well-written posts. You are amazing, gal! I salute you!

Jocelyn said...

I freeze in the face of quizzes and fear I have no friends, so I may not be up to your task.

But I have a big "wow" and heaps of congratulations for you.

The Retired One said...

Ahh Shit, Pearl...
My memory is not good, so I don't know the trivia answers to your quiz other than the bus.
So, is their handicapped points to get into the contest for being one step away from Alzheimers and not afraid to admit it?
Oh, and the chicken skin thing?
I was with you, girlfriend on eating crispy fried chicken skin until one day I was eating some and say a HAIR (Well maybe feather?) from the chicken still STUCK in there.
No more for me, spank you very much!!

Suzanne said...

answers (maybe) from a sorta newbie:

lisa bean bitey comes from the well known bush's baked bean family -- she was disinherited for selling the secret recipe.

lisa bean makes cell phone calls from the phone booth.

that catnip addiction is a tough one -- she would thank you for bailing her out but that would require an acknowledgment on her part of her behaviors and you know how she gets.

pearl would LOVE to have a beer with me. we can sit on the deck watching eagles bath in the creek and bailey cat trying to catch one.

pearls lives in the pearl district naturally.

no one should ever talk to pearl in the morning -- talking to anyone without proper caffination first is a fool's errand.

yoga benefits: it gets ya outta the house and one gets a lotta exercise just getting into that forking leotard.

them nachos got lotsa sour cream on em?

Cairo Typ0 said...

Here from BPOTW! :)

500 posts in 500 days? Wow i totally feel like a slacker now! Congrats!! :)

bettyl said...

Congrats on 500! I thought I'd never get to 100!! I do hope you post all the answers--in order--for us.
I don't usually eat chicken skin, but when I do it has to be super crispy. BLECK on the limp stuff.