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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wherein I Try to Live Solely in My Head, or Who’s Walter Mitty?

Sometimes, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. And sometimes, when the going gets tough, the tough retreat to the comforts of their own heads and drink bottles of imaginary beer there.

This is not to say, of course, that I am not rooted in reality a good deal of the time. As has been noted (primarily by me), I am the Queen of Side Jobs, She Who Will Clean Your Bathroom for Cash.

I may clean a house on weekends or “butler” appetizers to people who will hand me used Kleenex without embarrassment or acknowledging my existence, but there’s no reason I have to do these things with 100% of my brain engaged.

Which brings me to my fantasy life.

Have I told you about my fantasy life, the one where I awake each day with a spring in my step? It’s nice. The crabgrass is always under control and the air smells like fresh sheets.

My current fantasy involves my heroic efforts to save my fellow bus passengers.

Come along won’t you? It’s totally safe!

It’s an early-morning commute when the bus is hijacked by gang members of sketchy design. What they want is unclear. Perhaps they want us all to wear baggier pants. Perhaps it’s a tattoo drive of some sort: “I Was Hijacked And All I Got Was This Lousy Tattoo”. Whatever it is, it is murky at this point and unimportant to the fantasy itself.

Where was I?

Oh, yes.

Hushed cell phone calls are clandestinely placed by those unlucky enough to be aboard, and in no time at all local news vans are following at a safe distance.

Eventually of course, the bus runs out of gas and we are forced to sit at the edge of the road as people get hungrier and the need for a restroom becomes more pronounced.

Demands for pizza and port-a-potties are unmet.

During the panic and uncertainty of the day, my cool head and ability to relate comes to the fore; and it is the skillful offer of my iPod to the head guy (“Just to relax. Just a song or two to help you get your head together.”) that eventually convinces the leader to give up.

Perhaps it was Willie Nelson’s “Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain”. Perhaps it was James Brown’s “Sex Machine”. Whatever the song was, the man has had a change of heart; and the news vans film our triumphant and injury-free exodus.

“Haven’t we all had enough?” he tearfully exclaims.

The hijackers hold their arms out for the handcuffs; and the leader mouths the words “see you in court” at me, a rueful smile on his lips as the cameras roll…

Later, as the Mayor of Minneapolis presents me with a key to the city, I make a heartfelt plea for civility and brotherhood, reminding everyone of the tenuous bonds between human beings. The speech is met with cheers, and flowers land at my feet in aromatic and sneeze-inducing hillocks.

Following this event, there is a sharp increase in babies named “Pearl”, pearl jewelry experiences a surge in popularity unseen since the Kennedys, and for months afterwards, I am met with cheers and free food and drink…



And then, as they say, she woke up.

29 comments:

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Laughing!

Pearl said...

Lee, good, cuz I am one silly chick lately...:-)

powdergirl said...

I drink in the mornings too, Pearl : )

Ms Sparrow said...

It is always good to be a hero in ones own mind. Glad that works for you!

Jayne Martin said...

"Imaginary beer..." Wow. I bet it's really cheap, too. Unless it's that imaginary imported beer. You can never get a break on that.

Elliott said...

Thanks for the Thurber reference, too.

If you get the key to Minneapolis, does it work on the door to St. Paul as well, or are they keyed differently?

Pearl said...

powdergirl, and couldn't you go for a Bloody right now?!

Ms. Sparrow, some days, it's the only satisfaction I get!

Jayne, I drink imaginary stout. I find it holds up well under fantasy and cuts my carb intake. :-)

Elliott, you're welcome. :-)
And the key to Mpls does NOT open St. Paul, but they'll let anyone in there anyway. You don't need a key. :-)

You're not from St. Paul, are you?

:-D We can still be friends, even if you are...

powdergirl said...

Yes, yes I could!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I had a fantasy like this in high school, where the high school was high jacked...high school jacked?

Whatever.

Then Columbine happened and I realized that fantasy was imitating real life a little too much.

Elliott said...

Not from St. Paul (phew!), from Milwaukee, actually.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Oh, if I ever get hijacked I hope you're there!

Pearl said...

powdergirl, that would be lovely. :-) Seriously.

mjenks, you know I had a moment while I was writing this that I thought, maybe this isn't good for me to write about... I mean no disrespect (hardly ever, ha ha)!

Elliott, Yeah, I ran to your blog. :-) I've never actually been to Milwaukee, but I hear they put out really bright guys. :-)

Maureen, I do, too. And then we'll write about it!

Douglas said...

Where's the "ka-pocketa- ka-pocketa?"
I've had these all my life. I have just never braved the ridicule expected if I revealed any of them. It's tough being a guy.

Pearl said...

Pocketa fweep! Pocketa fweep!

:-)

KaLynn said...

Ain't it just awesome to save the day?! Loved it!

Pearl said...

KaLynn, I'm like a super hero over here, except without super powers! :-) Which reminds me -- must pick up super powers on way home...

Not The Rockefellers said...

oh Pearl...Dreamer by Supertramp

And you will know you have arrived when you become the subject a South Park cartoon..

Peace ~ Rene

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

You make me laugh, girlfriend!

Pat said...

I have dreams like that usually involving agents, publishers, book deals, film rights and all that jazz.

Irish Gumbo said...

Whew! At first, i wasn't gonna go along, but then you said it would be totally safe, so I changed my mind.

Good thing, too. That was fun-nee!

"sneeze-inducing hillocks" - love it!

Carol said...

Now I have an excuse to go by myself a new sting of pearls!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

used Kleenex?!?! Who are these people?!?!

LOVE Walter Mitty!!

tattytiara said...

Brilliant! Honey you just point me to that petition for arming the police force with IPods and consider it signed.

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

My fantasy is to be rich. But I still go to work because I love my job. Ha! That's just rich.

ladyfi said...

Thank goodness for the imagination!

Pat said...

Pearl, you make me laugh so much. My favorite line was when the bad guy mouthed the words "See you in court."

Jocelyn said...

Could Minnie PEARL hats (dangling price tags and all) also see an upsurge in sales?

The Retired One said...

I suppose the Ipod was playing something by PEARL JAM????

bettyl said...

You are such a goose (and I mean that in the kindest possible way) with a great imagination!