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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

What’s Black and Blue and Craving a Margarita?

I’ve got a bruise on my left knee the size of the State of Delaware, the result of running into a large box of something while walking in a crowd. If I had seen it, I could’ve avoided it. As it was, however, I could not see it and therefore fell with all the grace of a dropped sack of grain.

I, in the “fine” tradition of Midwesterners, was stoic about it, insisting that I was – you got it: “fine”. But when you fall and it hurts immediately, you are actually a couple clicks away from “fine”.

“Surprised” would’ve described it initially, followed quickly by “flummoxed” and then “needy”.

It’s a respectable bruise, a bruise with fortitude, a bruise that will no doubt go on to vote responsibly, come to a full stop at intersections when called upon to do so, and keep a clean oven.

This bruise is not kidding around.

The biggest problem with this bruise is the fact that it manages to be under trousers or just peeping out from under a skirt most of the time. Truth be told, I spend surprisingly little time naked - it is, after all, autumn - which would be the best way to really appreciate the storms-a’comin’ purples and greens, the raw-meat reds, and the bilious yellows of this bruise.

I suspect I’m particularly sensitive to this subject due to my current heightened and non-nicotined state.

Honestly, what’s the point of having something large and painful if no one’s going to see it and comment on it!

There’s no cake for not smoking, and there’s no cake for big, unseen bruises.

For cryin’ out loud, people. We need more reasons for cake.


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32 comments:

mbuna53 said...

No photo of said bruise? Why not? Ya sound kind of proud of it?

One time in college while horsing around and I was pushed, unknown to me there was a beanbag chair behind me. I tripped over it and hit the arm (un-padded) of the sofa with a crack. My right buttock was a deep black-purple color a couple of days later.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I'll give you some cake, sweetie.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I heard on the radio this morning that there's a growing movement--much to the CDC's dismay--of people having Swine Flu Parties.

I think you've started something brilliant, Pearl. You should really trumpet yourself as a harbinger of good health.

Pearl said...

mbuna53, and what? No picture of yer buttock?!

Actually, I could've taken a picture -- and still could! -- but I don't know where the little cord is that goes from the camera to the computer and I'm so far behind on just about everything but writing and yoga that I may lose my mind... By this point, I think most readers of this blog know that I've posted fewer than ten pictures since its inception. Not sure why, but there ya have it...

Douglas said...

Reminded me of a trip I took while walking my laundry to the laundromat back a million or so years ago when I was in my 20's. I mean, what is the point of having warning signs that only come up to shin level except to trip over them? Which I did. I do not bruise easily and didn't that time but my knee expanded painfully over the next couple of days and I had to actually seek medical intervention.

Pearl said...

Lee, I'm starting to sound like someone begging for cake, don't I?! I think I've mentioned it twice in the last week or so... Maybe I should just go out and get a !@$# cake...

mjenks, that's kind of funny. :-) So far, none of my friends have had it, but when they do, there's a case of beer and a stack of movies waiting. Gonna go over there and sit with them on the couch under a pile of blankets. :-)

Pearl said...

Douglas, medical attention for a bruise! I know that bruises sound kind of silly, but really, all that color is BLOOD! How good could that be?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I think a margarita should be a prerequisite for starting each day. If you have to go to work, you need a margarita. In fact, we should go back to the Mad Men days where everyone kept booze in the office. A little margarita bar under my desk would be quite palatable I feel.

And if it's conjoined to a cake bar I wouldn't complain either.

Pearl said...

Vegetable Assassin, one of those little mini fridges like they have in dorm rooms... :-) I like how you think!

Jodie Kash said...

I have a goober grape colored bruise under the big toenail on my left foot. The whole nail bed. Looks like I painted it lilac.

Weirdest efffing bruise to date.

Jayne Martin said...

If you can see the face of Jesus in it, there are idiots out there who will pay you to look at it. More if they can get their picture taken with it. Then you can buy cake.

Pearl said...

Jodie, the dreaded mystery bruise!

Jayne, that's actually an excellent idea! Note to self: must land heavily on religious icon in near future...

Jocelyn said...

Oh, Noodle: I have just made you a cake for not smoking and a huge tower of multi-colored cupcakes for the bruise. And I'm standing and applauding both of your achievements.

I'll drop the cakes on my way to the airport this Friday...unless they're gone by then. In which case, just hold the memory close to your heart.

Kevin Musgrove said...

"Honestly, what’s the point of having something large and painful if no one’s going to see it and comment on it!"

This is why I blog about work.

Daffy said...

I think I could do a bruise like that if it would keep my oven clean...tempting... I may just have to throw myself onto of something today.

The Retired One said...

And why is it that you keep hitting the bruise again and again after you get it (like when you get a shot in your arm)???? Normally you never hit the same area twice. But nooooooooo, as soon as you get a honkin' bruise, you keep bumping it again and again.
I figure it must be from sins.
Or Aliens.
Take your pick.
Either way, you gotta suffer with it.

Oh My Goddess said...

That is truly unfair.
But at least it's a bruise to be proud of. If it votes the right way.

Sweet Cheeks said...

I share your bruise pain Sister Pearl!

I was sitting at our computer in the living room when I (stupidly) turned abruptly in the chair. I smacked the hell out of my right shin on the corner of our printer stand. It hurts...I said a bad word or two...and I did what you should ALWAYS do when you have a bruise.
This is a trade secret amongst us that work in the medical field...but I'm giving it to you for free today...because I can't give you cake...
Put a heating pad on your bruises. The heat helps the body reabsorb the blood faster.
Yep. There it is. Rule of thumb...moderate heat...20 minutes on and 20 minutes off.

***I am not a doctor - but have watched one on tv...
=]
xxx

Jennifer said...

Cake is one of my favorite bands!

Jimmy Bastard said...

Hen, I've been known to fall down a few times masel. It's what is quite aptly known here as 'taking a pearler'

It's funny how no matter how hard the fall, in public it is our dignity which smarts the most.

Carol said...

Cake will cure any bruise and a mini-fridge can hold booze and cake if needed!

mapstew said...

Oh ye have to have a drink when ye fall, (or is that the other way round?)
Sure we Celts have known for donkey's years that a drink is all ye need for what ails ye!

Your round Jimmy!

xxx

Courtney said...

Nicely done! Wish you would have given us a peek at lunch :-)

Lauren said...

I agree. We do need more reasons for cake. If you like, I can send you the recipe for chocolate mug cake. It's chocolate cake for one in about 10 minutes. Talk about a reason I don't fit in my pants...sheesh.

lisleman said...

Delaware - that's a small state. Is the shape Delware - could be worth something. "I bruised my leg and see Jesus".
There's a funny bruise story involving my wife and game calling whirlyball. I'm thinking I might get a bruise if I post it.
Oh I tried an ebay auction of a rock shaped like Illinois - no bidders.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm laughing my ass of at Jayne's comment! Seriously, can you see Jesus in your bruise :-)

xo

Beth said...

This was an excellent example of a bruise that went to waste. I'm so sorry about the lack of cake.

justsomethoughts... said...

comes to a full stop at intersections?!
this is NOT a new york bruise.

KaLynn said...

Gurl! I hope you knee is better soon! Sounds like it hurts baaad!!

BTW-I have an Honest Scrap award at my place and will have another one for you in a bit. So stop by and pick them up. Its been crazy and I'm having to do them in bits an pieces!!
Cheers and Hugs!

The Pollinatrix said...

Hi. I just came to your blog via One True Self, cuz I liked your comment over there.

You're not going to believe this, but I have a big ugly bruise on my left knee too. And I have no idea how it got there. It doesn't hurt, though.

ladyfi said...

Congratulations on your 500th post! Glad you are celebrating in style with a responsible, autumn-coloured bruise!

CatLadyLarew said...

I'm covered in bruises all the time... klutziness & aspirin do me in every time! The best bruise I ever got was from wiping out on roller blades while trying to skate around Lake Calhoun! (My sister used to live in your neighborhood.) Margaritas made it feel much better!