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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Printer Jams and Paper Jellies or She Killed Him Over The Lunch Break

It’s another glorious day to be alive, people.

But wait! Perhaps I’ve jumped the gun here, having spoken without consulting the modern-day oracle that is the iPod. Assuming that I am correct that my playlist determines my future, what does my morning commute’s playlist say about this weekend?

What Is Hip? by Tower of Power
I Want Some More by Dan Auerbach
It’s Like That by Us3
Hey Ladies by Beastie Boys
Ocean Size by Jane’s Addiction
Take Me With You by Morphine
Pieces of the People We Love by The Rapture

Uh-huh. Just as I suspected. It is, indeed, a glorious day to be alive.

So it turns out, on this, The Day Of My 500th Post*, that I could be going away. Not “going away” as in “we’ve got a cute little place up on the Boundary Waters” but “going away” as in “did you hear about Pearl? She killed some guy over an argument over the copier. She’s going to have to go away for a while.”

That information is incorrect. It wasn’t the copier. It was far more important than that. Who kills over a copier?

It wasn't a copier, for cryin' out loud.

It was a printer.

“Pearl, the printer’s jammed.”

We have roughly 1,800, maybe 2,000 people using the printer near my desk. I may be exaggerating – just for effect, of course – but suffice it to say that the printer is an integral part of office life. I know it, you know it, and that guy over there knows it.

And when you walk away from a jammed printer?

You’re jamming America.

Why do you hate America?

How hard would it be to pull the paper out of the printer, to open the little doors, maybe pull out the toner cartridge to look for your printout? Granted, it would be harder than, say, walking away, wouldn’t it, but where would you derive your satisfaction? How could you look back on the day and think to yourself, “My, but that was a well-fought day.”

You couldn’t.

Abandoning the printer like that is something we here at Acme Grommets and Placemats look down upon.

“Pearl, the printer’s jammed.”

How could you just walk away from our little constipated printer?

How could you?

Whoever clogged this up better hope that the e-mail that did it doesn’t have their name on it.


If you need me, I’ll be over here, at the printer, un-jamming its clots of paper and plotting someone’s demise.

*Results of the contest to win a token of my affection will be posted Friday!


CatLadyLarew said...

Congrats on the 500th post! I'll photocopy all future blog posts to send you while you're incarcerated for doing in your coworkers. (That is if the printer doesn't jam.)

Felinae said...

Jamming the copier! How could they be so cruel? Yep their demise must be plotted carefully. ;)

Congrats on hitting 500!

Have a great day!


ellen abbott said...

And he's telling you this because...? I thnk my reply would be...'then unjam it you eejit.'

Pearl said...

CatLady, thank you!

Felinae, I know! Why won't someone think of the printer?!

ellen, because the concensus in an office is that sure the admin not only enjoys but lives for the opportunity to unblock printers, run out for lunches, call around for the best prices in car-detailing, and figuring out why the bathroom stinks. :-) Seriously. I had to explain to someone that the bathroom smelled bad because someone went in there and MADE it smell bad. Sheesh.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

You need to invent a printer that will eat a person if they try to walk away from it after if jams. That's just how my mind works. Can you believe I'm unemployed? Me either....


Mandy's Kidding said...

What if you open various doors, jiggle various parts, and move the green lever and it STILL doesn't unclog? Can you walk away then?

Pearl said...

Green-Eyed, I'm surprised no one's built that machine yet!

Mandy, yes. Extra points if you leave the door of it open with a note that says "I tried. Go for help." :-)

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I love it. Like telling you is suddenly going to make it go away.

Love that Us3 song.

Matty said...

500? What a milestone. Congratulations.

If I had a dime for every time I found the copier jammed and no one around, I'd be retired by now.

Or in jail for taking care of business.

CJ said...

There is a special kind of hell for people like that! May he rot there eternally!!!!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

What if you jam the printer, then make a confused face and shuffle some papers, then drop a paper and get all annoyed about that, then get a papercut and say OWW! and look really annoyed by that, and clearly you just forgot about the printer altogether on account of your injury and what appears to be a very bad day for you? Is that okay?

justsomethoughts... said...

yeah, well, thats self-defense man.
i mean the fate of the free world (at acme grommets and placemats) depends on you.
dont take that lightly now.

Douglas said...

When my company was under the delusion that I worked for them, we had a copier/printer/coffee-maker thing that we mostly used for taking pictures of our butts and copying personal papers. However,in the final year of my incarceration there, the company installed a log in system whereby we had to put in a numeric code in order to operate said machine. Needless to say, that code would identify which employee had last used the machine. This cut down on the number of butts being copied as well as the personal papers. Saved a bundle on copier/printer paper, I am told by the remaining inmates. Perhaps your fine company could institute this fine cost-cutting and sleazy spying technology?

And, would you check on my grommet order, please? I am badly in need of that specific grommet since my local Wal-Mart cannot seem to re-stock them.

Menopausal New Mom said...

Pearl!! Congratulations on churning out post #500! Love reading them.

About the printer, boy can I relate, when I used to have a life, I worked in an office where the men would jam the printer every time they went near it and then pretend not to have a clue how to fix it. Cars? That's easy, printer, no, can't do it! So of course at the end of the day, I would have toner up to my elbows and the men would go home wearing their still sparkling white dress shirts! Some things never change!

Anonymous said...

Oooo, the wonderful Jane's Addiction Pearl! I had the pleasure of seeing them in a tiny bar during their first ever visit to London in 1988!

Must go and play some now, thanks!

Stay-At-Home Indie-Pop said...

I feel so guilty. On Monday morning I was in the Library of Congress doing some photocopying just off the main Reading Room. The copier jammed. I tried the green levers, just like the machine told me, I really did try, but it didn't work. There was no one else in the room. I sidled across to the next copier. I finished the job and left. I bet a librarian with a name like Pearl had to fix it. I am truly sorry and awash with shame.

The Retired One said...

Congrat-u-are=so=fabulous-lations on your 500th....that is PHENOMENAL!!!

Worse than the jamming, I used to see people leave the copier to tell the Admin. Asst. that it needed more paper added. For cryin' out loud..break those fake fingernails and rip open a ream of paper and open the door and put it in, you lazy ass!
Good Grief!

Gregory said...

congrats on 500
its almost as bad as someone in the hot summer watering their flowers and turning away as if the lawn doesn't need water too. :)

♥ Braja said...

Still awaiting the token of affection. I know, this feels like emotional bribery, right?

Because it IS.

♥ Braja said...

And Douglas' opening line is the winner.

NOT of your token of affection, I might add. Just the winner of today's comments.

Lynn said...

Once we xeroxed our taytahs on the Wed before Thanksgiving break and got one stuck in the machine. Paper- not taytahs!
Anyway the first one to use it on Monday morning found the picture in there and recognized the necklace!
Ahh, the things we did in the teacher's lounge!

Not The Rockefellers said...

Your music choices are all deemed excellent...
And I used to sit by the bathroom..
so when something was jammed it was a bit more dodgy

Enjoy this:

Peace ~ Rene

Carol said...

Congrats on your 500th post!

Any morning starting out with Tower of Power is going to be a great day no matter what gets jammed.
My ring tone is TOP's "Funk the Dumb Stuff"

mapstew said...

Happy 500th!!!!!

Bastard Printer C**t*!


:¬) (YES, I'm DRUnK!) hic!

Eskimo Bob said...

I bow down to your calloused fingers of apothecary.

I don't know what the hell I just said either.

So Pearl - from one Northerner to another; let's hope that the rest of our brain doesn't thaw, because then things just may get real crazy.

Christine Gram said...

I hope there is identifying evidence. A crime like that in my office would get at least a full days worth of dirty looks, no left over doughnuts, and some sour cream in your coffee.

Makes everyone else feel good.

Courtney said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! You're jamming America. Tru dat, homeslice.