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Saturday, November 14, 2009

It's About Time She Kicked In

It's a tough economy out there, and nobody knows this more than Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).

You've been introduced, yes?

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is a small, symmetrically-striped puss, a cat I often find reaching a clever paw toward my dinner plate. At five pounds, Liza Bean is a bird/mouse/bug killer of the first water, the kind of cat that makes you think both "They're both attractive and efficient" and "Much bigger than she is and she'd have to be registered as a weapon".

Liza Bean is one of those neat, tidy cats, a cat who remembers when cats were gods and yet has come to terms with her fall in status.

Liza Bean's been on my computer lately. I can always tell when she has by the water bowl near the keyboard, the catnip laid out in neat little lines.

It appears that the cat is looking for a job.

I must say, her resume is impressive.

I've cut-and-pasted it here for your pleasure:

Liza Bean Bitey
PO Box 114
Minneapolis MN 55413
Contact: whyioughta2@gmail.com

Summary of Qualifications:
  • Drove a taxi in college -- highly familiar with area roads.
  • Worked as an unlicensed plumber from '04 to '05. Have been cleared of all charges related to the Margarita hot tub incident.
  • Short order cook in the late 90s. Ask me about my Potatoes a la Schultz!
  • Walk-on part of Cat #2 in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.
  • Positively motivated cat with an affinity for playful poses, chasing things straight up a wall, and tugging at your earrings in the middle of the night.
  • Experienced in pest removal (up to and including family members, unwanted guests, and those of the bug persuasion).
  • Excellent claw-eye coordination.
  • Dependable, flexible, and able to maintain a sense of humor under pressure.
Well! It's about time she got a job.

I mean, there's no call in adding things to the grocery list if you're not going to chip in for them. "The good shrimp" my Aunt Fanny!

37 comments:

Ms Sparrow said...

I'm amazed to learn that Liza Bean is so tiny! With her out-sized personality, I pictured her as an imposing feline of impressive proportions. Go figure!

Oh My Goddess said...

So she was my cabbie back then! She did know a short cut that saved me from being late!
Send her my kindest regards, and if she needs a reference I'd be happy to supply one!

Jayne Martin said...

"catnip laid out in neat little lines..." I just blew coffee out my nose. You'd think I would have learned by now not to ingest liquids when reading your posts. Good luck on your quest Liza Bean!

CatLadyLarew said...

I think Liza Bean should run for political office, since she has all her catnip in a row.

kimber p said...

she could hire my 13 lb cat Watson, for her personal assistant once she lands her dream job...Watson is excellent at playing like she's sleeping--then you try to walk past her and she reaches out with lightning speed and laser precision and can take out your achilles heel without you ever realizing it happened...until you fall down, that is.
Not sure what line of business that'd come in handy for,but it's useful, right?!

otin said...

Cat's resume is more impressive than mine!

Pat said...

All she has to do is add to her resume that she can operate both a catamaran and a catapult and she'll have it made in the shade.

Awesome cat.

powdergirl said...

I bet she could run a cat-house like nobody else could.

Ma'dam Liza Bean Bitey.

Thats got panache..

Douglas said...

Quit trying to make me miss my cats. Please.

You do realize it is a Very Good Thing that cats tolerate us, don't you? Because if they ever got angry with us, we be shredded beef in an instant. Coincidentally with that thought is one about them not running in packs like dogs.

Beth said...

Please share the recipe to the Potatoes a la Shultz. Sounds interesting...

Irish Gumbo said...

"...of the first water..." Be still my heart! I haven't seen or heard that phrase in ages! So nice...

"...Walk-on part of Cat #2 in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels." Still again! with the offbeat entertainment references...I liked this movie so much I bought the soundtrack as an import CD.

You rawk!

As does Liza Bean, I won't mess with her :)

Madame DeFarge said...

There may be an opening over here for her, if she doesn't mind the international travel. I need someone to fix the plumbing.

Secretia said...

Nice work writing this, very cute!

lisleman said...

Have you credited the cat's account with the mice killed? exterminators do charge you know.

@eloh said...

I don't know how much good it will do... probably just wants more to spend on catnip.

Gregory said...

I have but one thing to add... lmao

Barbara Blundell said...

Hi Pearl,
Backtracking ! My hair style has now gone back to how it was when I was five and i have a school photo to prove it
My son went to an all boys Grammar School where they were addressed en masse as 'Gentlemen " That was a misnomer if ever there was one !
I'm a veteran bus traveller. Now have a free bus pass and could travel from Land's End to John O' Groats for nothing if only I had the stamina .
We are looking for someone with dainty and dexterous digits to help with preparing and potting shrimps and Liza Biean Bitey sounds eminently suitable( We live at the seaside ) No exam qualifications or previous experience required. Training will be given. If Liza Bean Bitey is interested could she attend for interview and assessment at the Quayside at 3pm on Nov., 20 th ?

♥ Braja said...

She's been writing to Bali. He's my cat. I knew this would happen. Things are looking serious. She asked if he had a license. Gimme a break: the guy takes taxis everywhere. I'm sure that's how they met....

♥ Braja said...

I still have that story I wrote about Liza Bean; I'm gonna look it up and read it again cos hell that was fun :)))

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

Congrats to Liza Bean. She has a very impressive resume and I predict she will have a bright future ahead of her. Now I'm off to write up similar resume's for the three fur-covered loafers around my house. 'Bout time.

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出会い said...

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ツイッター said...

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ツイッター said...

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安田記念 said...

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出会い said...

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