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Friday, October 9, 2009

That One's Gonna Cost You. And "Namaste".

Yoga has been unusually crowded lately. The studio, the parking lot, the locker room, everything.

Normally, the crowding kicks in just when you expect it: the day after New Year’s, when those new to the class show up, resolved to be either more or less of something.

Perhaps this time it’s the autumn weather and the thought of all the mashed potatoes and gravy coming our way, all those bulky sweaters that will not, despite our fondest wishes, camouflage the bulk underneath. Nothing like pulling out last year’s cold-weather clothing to bring to the fore those extra corn dogs at the fair, the graduation-party beers.

But back to the yoga studio.

Have you been to one? You should, if only for the opportunity to pick out a new pair of shoes. I keed! I keed! But no, really, you have to take off your shoes when you enter; and what’s to say you won’t accidentally leave behind those old worn-out things you’ve been saying you need to replace and go home with a new pair of strappy little heels?

That would be wrong, by the way. You know this, I know this, but still, did you see those little shoes in the corner?

Of course, I came for the shoe shopping but I stayed for the opportunity to change my clothes in a locker room.

It’s amazing how infrequently you are naked in front of people once you graduate from high school.

That sounds far more interesting than it should. Let me rephrase.

It’s amazing how infrequently you find yourself changing from one set of clothes into another when you no longer have to take Phy Ed.

It’s all still there, though. The self-conscious women employing contortionist moves so as to change into their yoga gear without actually taking off their street clothes. The un-self-conscious women blow-drying their hair, putting on make-up, talking on the phone, applying for credit cards while nude. The thoughtless women who take up precious toilet stall space to change their clothes while others wait in line to use the facilities. The tall and surprisingly dimpled woman who leaned over me for her locker and laid a large sweaty breast on my head…

I’m short, okay! I know it, you know it, everyone knows it! There’s no call to lay your soft wet body parts on my head! Ack!

There are those of you who may think, what's a little boob hat? You're in a yoga studio for cryin' out loud! Surely you can relax a little?

The instrument that could measure my breast-to-head comfort levels amongst strangers has not yet been invented.

And stop calling me Shirley.

Whew! I feel so much better having gotten that off my, uh, chest.


Maelstrom said...

Maybe you could wear something sharp in your hair.

SparkleFarkle said...

Self-consciously changing into yoga gear without actually taking off street clothes; blow-drying pubic hair/whathaveyou, putting on make-up, cell-yapping, applying for credit cards etc. while nude; thoughtless toilet stall dressing; the laying of the sweaty breast hat, etc. Do any of these yoga positions have official names? LOL!

Maelstrom: You're a riot!

Mary Anne Gruen said...

Wonderful post! LOL And very true!
I haven't been to one of those changing rooms in years, but evidently nothing has changed.

I never felt tempted to steal any shoes, though. My feet are just too big for me to get into any of those cute little strappy sandals. I might growl at their owners in envy, but that's about it.

CatLadyLarew said...

Boob hats? Priceless! Good luck with that. Me, I'm going to stick closer to home and avoid the danger of boob hats.

ellen abbott said...

Did you take her shoes 'by mistake'?

Suzanne said...

Nice visual! Hmmmmmm.....

Ms Sparrow said...

Excellent piece, Pearl! There is no end to the witty stories you come up with. You are brilliantly clever and talented! I'll bet you could be a writer on Saturday Night Live and make big bucks instead of entertaining us "blog-hounds". (I would be happy to write you a reference. LOL--as they say.)

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

So, you're saying...IF I take up yoga, I get to wear a boob hat?

I'll go sign up today!

And, sheesh, Pearl, wrap it up classically next time: Absolvi meam...animam?

Warty Mammal said...


I'd think that after that experience, you'd be entitled to take anyone's shoes you wanted.

Dr Zibbs said...

The gym I used to work out at at lunch was full of old dudes. And not to say I like looking a young naked dudes but looking at old naked dudes is 10 times worse.

Amber Star said...

OH Gah...I was just thinking how helpful it would be to join the Y so I could take water aerobics classes. Somehow now it doesn't seem like that good an idea. I thouht there might be a little curtained area...like when I took PE in high school.

I guess it is back to the drawing board for me. I'm not sure I could be cool if someone flopped a boob on my head.

Douglas said...

On the one hand, a boob hat does not sound like a bad thing. On the other, in my case it would belong to the really fat guy and not a nice tall woman.

Margo said...

I am glad to hear that the gym is pretty much the same as it was in the 80s. Except now you can shop for really cute shoes and you don't have to buy cheesy leg warmers and high top Reeboks. And being short is no excuse for that woman putting her boob on your head!

powdergirl said...

I'm tall Pearl, not dimpled(yet) but real tall.
I would never drop my boob on your head.

I have standards of behavior.

I might talk on the phone while changing though, hey, I gotta lot to say!

Under the Influence said...

I definitely would not want the boob hat!

I would probably just wear my yoga clothes to yoga - or change at work before going to yoga and then change at home afterwards.

Ann's Rants said...

Oh no. No one should lay a boob on our Pearl's head.

That ain't right.

Om Shanti, indeed.

The Retired One said...

LMAO here! Boob hat...hahahaaaaa...
I am the one in the corner showing you 50 different ways to slip clothes off and on under a wrap around towel in 45 seconds.

James said...

What's the proper response when one has been boob-hatted?

Excuse me, your mammary is sliding down my forehead. Please remove it lest I be forced to twist your nipple.

The Jules said...


You got lady tea-bagged!

adrielleroyale said...

LMAO Wow, I could not have described that situation any better myself! What a hilarious visual, so much so that each time the boob hat thought crosses my mind I burst into giggles again! Not to mention the other comments too... Thanks for sharing :)

jules said...

Yeah, that boob hat is totally unacceptable. I recently joined a new gym and its def what I refer to as a "naked gym." Saggy boobs and winter bushes flaunting all over the place in the locker room. I'm not prude, but...cover up!