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Friday, October 23, 2009

I'm Just Glad I Didn't Lose Something Heavier

After years of ridiculous questions involving the tricky whereabouts of such nebulous things as socks, shirts, butter, and bath towels – Where could they be?! What?! Socks in the dresser drawer? Towels in the bathroom?! What a crazy world we live in! – I came up with a rule.

If you are looking for something you can’t find and ask me to find it for you and if I, in turn, then find it, I get to hit you with it.

Sure. I’ll find your winter boots if you feel you can’t. But if I find them, I get to hit you with them.

Would it surprise you how often those same winter boots are found by the person who, moments ago, wanted me to find them?

This system has worked swimmingly for years.

Until yesterday.

Appears that the umbrella I scoured the house for two days ago and never found, the umbrella I asked for help in finding, has been discovered, and discovered easily, by my husband.

And now, I will be beaten.

I don’t know. Maybe we can work something out. Maybe he’ll release me from the if-I-find-it-I-get-to-beat-you-with-it clause in our relationship.

Honestly, though, I wouldn’t.

So I don’t want to get all dramatic here, just a quick “so long”, a brief “fare thee well”. I’m not sure how well I’ll handle a beating with a compact umbrella, but it’s been a good run. I’ve got family, friends. I’ve got my health.

And now, it appears, I have an umbrella again.

29 comments:

erin said...

My kids are constantly losing their school library books. They even have a designated shelf for them in the gameroom, they go on the shelf and then sometime in the next week they disappear from that shelf into the abyss. It's usually found within minutes after whoever lost the book leaves for school on library day.

De Campo said...

I’m glad I didn’t recruit you in the quest to regain my funny.

SparkleFarkle said...

I guess there's no misplacing knives at your house, unless the loser is surrounded by balloons.

Susan said...

You need to hide something of his discreetly, so he has no choice but to ask you to help find it.

Careful in item selection - maybe a tv? His favorite recliner? Those would hurt alot. Good luck.

Maelstrom said...

You may as well have just bought a new umbrella. After he beats you with it it will never work right again.

Jayne Martin said...

I need to lose things. I need to forget things, too. Walking all over my house looking for my keys or wandering into a room wondering what the hell I'm doing there is the only exercise I get. But I do often get angry about it and beat myself.

Mary Anne Gruen said...

Why is it that the person who isn't looking for something can often find that something easier than the person who was??? It's one of life's mysteries.

CatLadyLarew said...

I really like that plan. I wish I could have used it at school with the kids there.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I would apply this new rule to my household because it is brilliant. However, being a man, I'm sure I'd get brought up on child-abuse and spousal-abuse charges quickly, since no one else seems to be able to find anything in the house.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

LMAO! I love that rule, and I am going to implement it in my house. Of course, If I lose something I just won't tell anyone!!

Felinae said...

LOL!

I like this rule.:D
(Hmm...wondering evily what item of my husband's I can lose for him)j/K teeheehee

Have a good weekend.

Smiles~Felinae~

Kurt said...

I would never, ever agree to that clause in a relationship, because what if I lost my mind. It would be a total insult-to-injury situation to be beaten with your own mind.

justsomethoughts... said...

i would've bought a new one.
but that's just me.

justsomethoughts... said...

like, "i lost my baseball bat" .
just certain things, not so good.

Daffy said...

Awesome! I'm going to implement that rule too! So glad you shared it

Douglas said...

Pearl, Pearl, Pearl... Why must the obvious always be pointed out to you?

Just tell him you need to prepare yourself to be hit with the umbrella. Then go into the bedroom, slip into the sexiest, sheerest, almost not there thing you own and call out to him "Ok, honey, I'm ready."

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I'm stealing that but I will try not to use it a lot. As much as I'll be able to use that around here, I could seriously hurt someone and wind up in jail.

Hugs!!

P.S. I hope I never see a story of a woman beaten by an umbrella in Minnesota. Good luck, Pearl. Do what Douglas suggested in his comment. I think it'll work!

SweetPeaSurry said...

I'm thinking you should have stopped looking for said lost umbrella and headed out to by a new improved compact umbrella!!! In doing so, you would have avoided the beating, because the original umbrella might have been found, but no longer in the course of someone 'looking' for it and therefor more 'stumbled upon'. Heed my words, they will save you future pummelings.

all the best in love and war!!!

powdergirl said...

If he so much as raises that umbrella in a threatening manner, I will commence with the ass-kicking.

When one strikes Pearl, one strikes Blogtown. And Blogtown ain't puttin' up with it, baby.

♥ Braja said...

Yeah, I'm with Powdergirl. There's asses to be kicked if that umbrella is raised. Think he won't feel the shakin' from India? Ha! Tell him "just try it, baby..."

IB said...

The other day at the airport I couldn't remember where I'd parked the car. And needed the mrs to help me find it. Glad we don't employ the Pearl system.

Jeanne said...

My old boss (reportedly) used to tell her family, "Don't ask me to find your lost items. A uterus is not a homing device."

I'm afraid she was wrong, though.

The Retired One said...

Make sure you use the umbrella to hide behind to hide the bruises. The neighbors are going to talk, you know.
"There goes Pearl and that man-beater. I hear he used that very umbrella. You never know about the quiet ones...."

Irish Gumbo said...

And possibly bruises on the head and neck. Run, dear, rub!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

I guess you've finally encountered the exception that proves the rule.

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

I think I'll try that on my husband...

The Jules said...

Sounds reasonable. How many hits does he get?

Also, I'm glad I haven't lost a baseball bat round at your place.

Knucklehead said...

What a great rule. I might have to implement that one.

Jess said...

I love your blog! :)