With Fall well and truly here, Minnesotans turn to ways to keep warm: woolen sweaters, cars with heaters, fight-to-the-death chili competitions…
Set for Saturday, October 17th, on the second and third floors of the Throckmorton Palatial Estate, AKA Pearl and Willie’s house, the rules to the upcoming contest are simple.
- One chili entry per person. No, wait. Two. Two chili entries per person.
- OK. I don’t really care how many entries per person. You want to bring more than one crockpot of chili, what do I care?
- Crockpots should be labeled with the contestant’s name and the name of the chili.
- Insisting that the name of your chili is, say, “Steve”, will result in your being asked to slam a beer. I’m sorry. Them’s the rules.
- Condiments will be provided: saltines, corn bread, sour cream, cheese, green onions.
- Chilis will be numbered, voted on, and prizes awarded in the first two hours of the party.
- Awards will be presented under the following categories: Spiciest, AKA “Exit Wound”; Best Flavor Overall; and Most Original. Best Flavor Overall comes with a modified trophy purchased at Goodwill that will probably require a rider on your home insurance policy, that’s how cool it is.
- The intention has been set that Best Flavor Overall is a “traveling” trophy. In other words, “No Keepsies”. It’ll be like the Stanley Cup, only much smaller. And tackier.
- Should any chili give you an erection lasting more than four hours, see a physician, as this may be a sign of a serious complication.
That seems like everything, doesn’t it? What am I missing?