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Thursday, September 3, 2009

They Won’t Die Unless You Remove The Heads


Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 80% worker’s Friday, AKA “Thursday”. I'm Pearl, and I’ll be your host for this ridiculous little foray into silliness. Upon completion, you will be free to return to paying attention whilst attending meetings, keeping a reasonable tone of voice while running after children, or working on your handstand.

It does, after all, take all kinds.

It being the end of my work week, we have yet another sorry display regarding seeking meaning where there is none.

I present to you another round of “What’s The iPod Say About My Weekend?”

She Bop by Cyndi Lauper
30 Days in the Hole by Humble Pie
Getting Down by The Kills
Shotgun by Southern Culture on the Skids
Freewill by Rush
Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel
Super Bon Bon by Soul Coughing
Wild, Wild Life by Talking Heads

Unfortunately, I tend to interpret these things the same way over and over: Have a margarita/beer, sleep in, and for cryin’ out loud do something about your kitchen floor, would ya?

Anyone else read that differently?

Excellent.

A quick thought, and I’ll be on my way.

Minneapolis is the world headquarters of Target Corporation, the fifth largest chain of retail stores in the U.S.; and every now and then, much like the swallows returning to Capistrano or the cloud of aromatic smoke that follows a Gov’t Mule tour, their employees, the red-shirted, khaki-pantsed Target minions, descend upon downtown Minneapolis.

It never fails to send a chill down my spine.

It’s an eerie feeling, when you pass, on the sidewalk, 30, 40 people dressed in the same color scheme. Because while the styles of the shirts, the styles of the pants are all different, the shade of the red and the khaki are all the same.

In my mind, they sometimes lurch forward, developing shambling gaits and vacant stares. A bebop trumpet wails in the background. I am suddenly surrounded by moaning retail employees who reach for my purse.

“Would you like to save 15% on today’s purchases by opening a charge account with us?”

I run into the street, the back of one hand pressed to my forehead, the other extended in front of me in a “no! no!” display, my terrified eyes scanning the crowd for a policeman.

Strangely, the streets are now empty.

“Would you like to save 15% on today’s purchases…?”

“Have a good day!”

“Would you like to open a charge account with us?”

“Have a good day!”


I fall to the ground for reasons that are unclear and am engulfed by bright-eyed drones.

I do not save 15%.

I fail to have a good day.


I'm not the only one who thinks like this, am I?

Have a great weekend, everyone.

And don't forget to have a good day!

16 comments:

Douglas said...

I used to like Target... now, on the odd chance I will be in one (nearest is 40 miles from me these days) I will have the zombie heebee jeebies. Thanks a lot, Pearlie.

That ain't my favorite Simon and Garfunkle ditty... Dangling Conversations does it for me. It went with a young lady from Minnesota, too, oddly enough. Of course, she had become a California girl by the time I met her. I should write about her but...

Pearl said...

Douglas, I was always fond of The Boxer myself, but we don't question the iPod. :-)

Oh, and I still like Target -- I just like to amuse myself when the streets are full of them...

Kavi said...

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 80% worker’s Friday, AKA “Thursday”

ROTFL !!

And did you know that Target has its backend operations out of Bangalore !

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Unlike yesterday, where you lodged "Walk This Way" firmly into the recesses and folds of my skull, today you have put "Homeward Bound" into my head. And I thank you for it.

I like Target. The red is pleasing to me.

40 people dressed in it, though, descending upon me en masse? Yeah, not so much. I picture them like a neatly-dressed horde of zombies shambling along, moaning "corporate refrains...corporate refrains" where they should be saying "brains, brains..."

darsden said...

Happy Weekend Pearl, She Bop...Good ole' song.. One Derfina and I danced to many times :-))

The Jules said...

Do they have targets on them?

Cos that would be cool, and useful.

powdergirl said...

I don't think we have Target stores here,
But I'm liking the zombie theme : )

I'm also liking Homeward Bound, which segued directly into Bridge Over Troubled Water and Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme.

Huh, guess its gonna be a S&G kind of day.

pssst. I want to hear Douglas's story about the Minnesota girl...

Have a nice day......

Pat said...

Ahh...Simon and Garfunkle...love them...my era of music.

Get the Target credit card on payday, buy a whole lotta stuff with it at 15% off and then go home and cut it up. I've done that with about 5 different stores' credit cards.

I hope Target Inc isn't reading this.

Krëg said...

There are only a few ways to defeat Target zombies. One is by demanding a price check on an item they do not stock. The other is to say you need a few minutes to make up your mind about the whole paper/plastic riddle.

Madame DeFarge said...

This still says you have a more extensive collection than me. I shall be mostly listening to Band of Horses.

Frank said...

I do love Target...but I don't know how I'd handle 40 of their employees at once. I assume my standard reply of "go to hell" when asked if I need assistance wouldn't go over so well with so many of them...

Vic said...

My favorite S and G song is "America".
It needed to be said.

I'll take Target zombies over WalMart zombies any day. Not that I want to save 15% at either place...I think "forfeit soul" is written in the fine print on that contract.

KMcJoseph said...

Once upon a time it was difficult to get a credit card...

otin said...

"30 days in the hole" Sounds like a month in a whore house! LMAO!!!!

ladyfi said...

I'll let you know about having a good day once I get up off the ground...

Lilly said...

I was in Target today and I never knew about the Minneapolis connection.....and if it’s an eerie feeling, when you pass, on the sidewalk, 30, 40 people dressed in the same color scheme - dont go to China Pearl. Its like tens of thousands at a time dressed alike....