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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Oh, And I Took A Couple Hundred Out of Savings, Too

If you’ve heard that I’ve smothered my husband in his sleep, do not rush to my defense.

There’s a chance it may be true.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t want to have to kill him. But he left me no choice. And look on the bright side! Think of all the time prison will give me to write!

But I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?

Why, I hear you ask, would a normally reasonable woman hold a pillow over her husband’s head until he ceased to struggle?

One word: Snoring.

I’ve been told that I, too, snore; and if you know me, you know that this is a damnable lie, perhaps perpetrated by mine enemies, people who will also tell you that I need help with crossword puzzles (not true) and cadge cigarettes when intoxicated (quite possibly true).

But snoring? Me?

Hey. This isn’t about me. This is about William Throckmorton the III, the man bent on destroying me through sleep deprivation.

Of course I have my coping mechanisms…

For example, my initial response to the snoring is a quick nudge or a vigorous shaking of the bed. I file this under the category of him possibly thinking, whilst asleep, that there might be an earthquake or a tornado happening, thus causing him to alter his breathing patterns.

This never works, but it’s always in my first round of defense.

Next comes the verbal jab. “Willie! Stop snoring! Roll onto your belly! Willie!!”

This usually works for a minute or two, as Willie’s unconscious mind registers a number of things: 1, that’s my name; 2, sounds like my wife, and 3, grblx zinkt offun garbin.

I don’t know what that last bit is, but it’s what he mutters just before he falls back asleep.

And resumes a vigorous snoring.

It is at this point that I become inventive.

“Willie! Did you see that letter from the IRS?”

“Sphurbim?”

“The letter from the IRS. Did you see it? The child support!”

Willie has no children, but he has stopped snoring. The room takes on an expectant air; and while still asleep, his breathing has taken on an even-keeled quality rarely found in his waking moments.

“I sent them an e-mail. Luckily, since we won the lottery this afternoon we’re going to just write them a check, okay?”

“Sphurbim. Bracken farva lottery shopping spree.”

“And remodel the bathroom, right?”

Willie loves this part. Our bathroom appears to have been originally modeled on the 70s sitcom “Good Times”, or perhaps “Maude”. Suffice it to say that the color once referred to as “Harvest Gold” figures prominently.

“Mmmm,” he says. “New tile.”

And that will take care of the snoring, usually for the rest of the night.

Good ol’ Willie. Long may he live.

32 comments:

mapstew said...

My wife (and children, if I'm being honest) tell me I snore for Ireland!

I recently discovered what it is like to share a room with a snorer.
I travelled to a Springsteen concert with my pal 'Paul The Plumber', and after the gig and many MANY pints, we returned to the hotel.
Sweet divine Jeebus, I have never heard a sound like it! He's a big lad our Paul, and trying to turn the unconscious fecker over nearly broke my back! Even the sight of a bald naked man looming over him, shouting and gesticulating (easy) didn't worry him into staying awake for the rest of the night!

xxx

f8hasit said...

I too, have been told I snore. I don't mean to. It just happens. However the thought of new bathroom tile and kitchen remolding may just keep my mind busy enough to give anyone within earshot a breather...
Thanks for the suggestion!
:-)

ellen abbott said...

I laughed my friggin ass off. I so totally relate. He tells me I snore as well, but I'm here to tell you, if I do it can only be a dainty little snurf at worst. Sometimes he seems determined to bring the house down. As long as I fall asleep before he starts, I'm golden but I gotta tell you it's a friggin race.

Reddirt Woman said...

LOVE IT!!!

Helen

Reddirt Woman said...

LOVE IT!!!

Helen

@eloh said...

Excellent home remedy Pearl.

Comedy Goddess said...

Snoring is a man thing. Women are never snorers.

Harvest Gold. I'm sure there are some towels stored away in the linen closet around here that I can send you. Please?

Jeanne said...

Snoring should be a valid defense in cases of death-by-pillow.

Seriously.

Aria said...

Now see, I'm ready to kill mine, but because he actually did take a couple of hundred out of savings. Since you've decided not to kill yours, and the jury is still out on mine until I figure out a way to elude CSI, can I tentatively have your hubby's plot. I'd get my hubby his own, but he spent his burial money...

Douglas said...

Not true, Comedy Goddess, women do snore. My own lovely wife shatters windows, rattles doors, and shakes the dishware in the cupboards. There is no position in which she does not snore so rolling her to stop does no good. Nor does waking her because she can fall back asleep much faster than I can. I use ear plugs.

Not The Rockefellers said...

I feel your pain...
I bunk with a snorer, loud obnoxious
"Are you making cappuccino in your nasal passages?" snoring
I usually retreat to the couch..

Peace - Rene

Amber Star said...

Mine snores very loudly...as in my ears nearly bleed from the pressure. When kids moved out to be on their own...I moved to another bedroom. It works fine actually for both of us.

FLYNAVY said...

No big deal snoring....after coffee or a coupla beers I've been told by my wife that I fart in my sleep enuf to blow the covers off the bed & make the dog run outa the room.....so could be worse I guess. After reading this I'm gonna amend my will to have them check to make sure I didn't die from pillow suffocation.
Buzzy

Nicolasa said...

Snoring sucks! I elbow my husband at least three times a night for his obnoxious snoring!

The Retired One said...

How amazing..my husband talks the same snore language as yours.
We'll get a female judge. You will immediately be acquitted.

Warty Mammal said...

LOL!

If I'm in a good mood, snoring is a reminder that my beloved is alive and well, in bed with me.

I'm almost never in a good mood.

The Jules said...

I don't think you're alone. I've heard that cushion euthanasia is provided by the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland as a recognised cure for snoring.

geraldgee said...

Gentle men snore
gentle ladies sniffle

Pat said...

Usually shaking his arm stops my man's snoring, but when it doesn't, I think I'll try the IRS or lottery scheme.

I feel your pain.

CatLadyLarew said...

I once had to share a room at a conference with a woman who could wake banshees! Misery! The worse was the second day of the conference when I spent the whole day obsessing about the prospect of another sleepless night! From that point on, I always arranged for a single room!
Payback's a bitch, though... my son now claims that my snoring keeps him awake... through two closed doors. I think he must be making that up!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Me? Snore? Impossible :-)
Husband snore? Absolutely :-)
HAve a great week.
xo

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Hey, if the snoring bugs you, sleep on the damn couch.

Tell your husband I said that. He needs support.

troutay said...

That Harvest Gold is much better than
my late 50's flesh color. Try and match walls, shower curtain and window
curtains with that!

I always find that if I fall asleep before he does, I don't hear him snore.

He says I snore like a kitten. Too Too sweet which is why I don't smother him with a pillow.

DevilsHeaven said...

EAR PLUGS. Can get a big o'box from Harbour Freight tool co. LOVE THEM. They are saving my sanity.

That Baldy Fella said...

The swift dig in the ribs accompanied by "Nick, turn on your side" normally does the trick, apparently.

bettyl said...

I find that shift work--with hubby working nights and sleeping days cuts down on my snoring annoyances. But your way seems lots better!

Sandra said...

Well, I know that I snore, but my husband doesn't think he does! But, I've witnessed it. I think most of the time we just drown out each other! lol

Sara Chapman said...

Of course I don't snore either, but my mistaken hubby says I do. His is quite dependable, believe me. I have to say, a second bedroom, while expensive in a way, has saved our marriage. After cuddling time, of course!

ladyfi said...

I share your pain. Our whole house rocks with my husband's snores!

Hillori said...

My hubby is a snorer. Bad. But he got a CPAP machine for sleep apnea, and it sucks all the snore into the machine, and our room is silent. Awesome. Kinda like something from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

JOE TODD said...

I wondered why there is a pillow shortage in my town

Valerie said...

To tell you the truth - I would go back to the snoring if I knew his life wasn't in jeopardy. My hubby uses the CPAP as well. It is loud, it blows cold air on my face, it makes him uncomfortable (been almost 2 years - so don't say we will get used to it) as he has to sleep on his back, It is just a big pain. I know couples who have gone to separate bedrooms because of the machine.

But ... I know it is better for him. Blood pressure is back down, no indigestion anymore, no falling asleep in the evening, no tiredness during the day and no sore nasal or throat passages. Snoring is at times a serious warning sign.

My 10 year old used CPAP til he got his adenoids out. He stopped breathing and turned blue at night. Snoring was the warning sign.

I just can't wait for technology to catch up - I can't believe the best thing they have come up with is a device that looks like a huge snorkle mask!