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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I'm Having Dinner with Johnny Depp

So many things changed once I became internationally famous.

Yoga, for instance. Sure, it’s still a big sweaty mess. Sure, it’s still packed cheek to jowl in that yoga studio, an exercise in concentration and, sometimes, forgiveness.

It’s not just that. It’s the way the other yoginis look at me now.

“My mat was next to her a couple times, before she made it big,” I’d hear someone whisper. “You know she can’t do crow pose.”

That’s a lie. I could do it if I wanted to. I just don’t want to.

But this isn’t about whether or not I can do crow pose. This is about how much easier and fulfilling my life turned out to be once I became famous.

It wasn’t always this way. I was once like you, struggling, yearning. But all that changed once my genius was discovered.

And it’s not just the fame, but the money! The silk socks, the hairdresser who now lives in the pantry! The chauffeur-driven limo to the bus stop and the fur-lined bus pass! Who knew it would be so satisfying?

But how, you ask, did this happen? And more importantly, how can I get a piece of this action for myself?

It’s easy! Are you ready? Because it's crazy easy! Lean closer, because this is going to change your life…



Huh?! Wha –? Who –? Oh, geez; I’m sorry. I must’ve drifted off!

Sorry about that.

25 comments:

darsden said...

gurl I do that cow pose every day.. I stand in front of the fridge going moooo I am hungry...mooo what's that...moooo

I remember you when Pearl... ;-)

Pearl said...

Dar, you made me laugh! And you just keep remembering me. Some day it'll be good for a free beer. :-D

kimber p said...

Pearl looks like your blog has been spammed---grrr.

they did that to me one time and I thought it was legit comments from a foreign "fan" of my blog, but all it turned out to be was individual links to porn.
anyway...when you're famous, I do expect to hear those beautiful words,
"how about another round for the house!"
I am placing your book in a prominent place on my bookshelf, count on it :)

CatLadyLarew said...

I'm famous in my dreams. And Johnny Depp's there too, sometimes. Probably not as famous as you, though.

powdergirl said...

Kimber P,
I'll go you one better and place PEARL in a prominent place on my book shelf cause I'd way rather have dinner with Pearl than Johnny Depp.

Darsden?
I can do cow pose too! I just put an obstinate, yet obtuse look on my face and Voila!

Asain Porn site,
Um, yeah baby! ( I didn't want to discriminate)

Pearl,
You always make me laugh, we should be neighbors! Drunk neighbors!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I could so do the cow pose. If I could do yoga, that is.

And what Star said, ditto!

Suzanne said...

All I ever want out of life is a freaking housekeeper. I swear! WHY can't I have one? Why?

Green-Eyed Momster said...

You can have dinner with Johnny Depp! I live with Jack Sparrow so I'm not jealous, not one bit! ;)

You are the most famous person I know!

Hugs!!

Pearl said...

Weirdest thing -- my blog was reported on Facebook as abusive!

Talk about WTF Wednesday!

SparkleFarkle said...

Vey cool blog entry! The closest I'll ever get to the crow pose is my favourite Jack Handey quote: "The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."

CSY said...

Ha! I don't have to be famous, but I do have to wait until my daughter graduates high school before I get the 'swag'...

Oh My Goddess said...

I thought you were doing a bloggiveaway with dinner with Johnny Depp as the prize!
Pearl, Why You Little...

Not The Rockefellers said...

Pearl you know you have made the big-time when you are spam blogged and reported to the Facebook Burgermeisters...

This Bud's for you...
Take a sip

*poof*

suddenly you are on the bus naked trying to find a pocket to hide your beer in....

and there's a Quickbook test, but you didn't attend that class at all...

But you've got bigger problems now, cuz your teeth are falling out...

Peace - Rene

Vic said...

Oh man, what I wouldn't do for a fur-lined bus pass. You know you've made it when you have one of those.

That's weird and hilarious about the report on Facebook. Your blog is the exact opposite of abusive- probably it was one of those yoga ladies.

Douglas said...

I never want to be famous. It becomes too difficult to get that quiet time in order to hide the bodies.

otin said...

Just buy me a car and I will be happy. After you spend your millions on yourself, obviously! :)

f8hasit said...

I've got the 8pm dinner slot with Johnny. With drinks after. Hopefully he'll be staying over...

You can have him any other time. I WILL share.
:-)

Chaka said...

Remember the little people (your followers) now that you have made it big. If you ever need an entourage of followers when you go in public just let me know.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Abusive? WTF Facebook? Seriously Pearl? I never know when you're joking!

Hugs!!

mapstew said...

I think i AM famous, people are always staring and pointing at me! That's because I'm famous isn't it?

Pearl, isn't it?

Because I'm famous yeah?

That's why they point and stare yeah??

xxx

justsomethoughts... said...

i know nothing of crow poses but i did want me a fur-lined bus pass. oh well...

p.s. i never said a thing about having dinner with you.

Rusty Salmon said...

Hi Pearl, it's Chris from the now defunct blog that sounded like a Jimmy Buffett song.

I've moved to a new site...

chris-knucklehead.blogspot.com

Hope you'll come join the fun at my new place!

The Jules said...

Abusive?

Tell 'em to flip off, the mother-flipping flippers.

ladyfi said...

Oh, loved this post. Too funny!

kanishk said...

I thought you were doing a bloggiveaway with dinner with Johnny Depp as the prize!

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