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Friday, September 18, 2009

If I Ran The World, Part Two

As many of my friends know, I carry a notebook with me at all times.

You just never know when one will overhear a tasty conversation, see something humorous in the man asleep on the grass at the side of the road, or make petty observations regarding how much better the world would be if I ran it.

That's right. Welcome to Friday.

The following are further observations on the rules that will be put into place once I step into my rightful place as Chief Ruler and Assistant Bartender to the World.

  1. The public wearing of bedroom slippers will be prohibited. Come on, people. You're outside of the house. Put on a real pair of shoes.
  2. The use of bulleted lists in lieu of an actual post will not be allowed and will be punishable by the required consumption of one can of peas or a glass of warm milk, whichever is deemed worse.
  3. All pedestrians will get one free swing at any car that noses into the crosswalk and forces said walker to walk around it - two swings if it is snowing or raining. Umbrellas are allowed. In the words of Midnight Cowboy's Rizzo: "Hey! I'm walkin' here!"
  4. Everyone should strive to deliver three compliments a day, all of which must be sincere. "You don't sweat as much as I thought you would" or "Well, I've seen worse outfits" will be recognized as non-compliments and will not count toward the compliment requirement. Failure to deliver will require the eating of a can of peas.
  5. People caught vandalizing will be put on display at traffic intersections and will raise revenue for the community through the public's purchase of old fruit and vegetables (opportunity for local grocers!) with which they will be pummeled. Given the number of people I've talked to who would love the chance to peg the guy who wrote his name on the garage (I'm talkin' to you, Sl33py P33W33!!), the cost of the bad tomato, for instance, plus $5 toward the refinishing of whatever was vandalized, oughta cover it.
  6. Any item that can be found easily after someone over the age of 10 has claimed it wasn't there and requires your help to find it may be hit with said item, i.e., "Honey? Where's my car keys?" If you can't find them and I find them easily, I get to hit you with them. And then force you to eat a can of peas.
There are more, I'm sure.

And I've got my notebook for when they occur to me.


Kurt said...

I would do anything to avoid eating a can of peas. Except eat half a can of peas. I wouldn't do that to avoid it.

I like your compliment samples. They inspire me.

ellen abbott said...

On no, not the peas! Anything but the peas!

mapstew said...

I like peas.

I think I will have a can now!

Peas and Joy and happiness!


mbuna53 said...

What is with the force feeding of peas to people Pearl? You really trying to rule the world, or get your own game show on FX?

powdergirl said...

Pearl for POTUS!

I agree with everything you say.

I'm just heading across the house to hit my husband with his keys, the remote and his favorite rugby jersey.

He drives me nuts with this crap.

Also, you look lovely today, Pearl.(1 down, 2 to go)

The Jules said...

No 6 isn't fair to us blokes.

powdergirl said...

There, there, honey. What have you lost now?

I'll help you find it, but remember that Pearl says that I can ht you with it afterwards. So don't misplace a cinder block if you can help it, or a dead fish for that matter.

justsomethoughts... said...

1. why only assistant bartender?
2. why is a can of peas the big punishment? I can think of 2 or 3 worse things…

Mr London Street said...

1. Lists should be compulsory.
2. Even if you only really have one thing to say like I did just then.

Ms Sparrow said...

Ewwww! Canned peas, how punitive can you get, you vengeful wench?

Douglas said...

I happen to like peas so I saw no punishment. Try cauliflower.

I have actually hit cars that crept into my crosswalk space. I even kicked the hood of one with my right foot after the driver attempted to share the space my motorcycle was already occupying. So I say... nothing stopping you now, folks, go ahead and swing away.

I never lose anything. I am absolutely sure that someone (gremlins, probably) move things so that I will be frustrated. Punish them.

I also do not get lost, by the way, I just find myself on the "scenic route" from time to time.

I do not own bedroom slippers and, therefore, agree with you wholeheartedly on that point. Toss in curlers, will you?

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Just curious, is a "bulleted list" somehow different from a "numbered list" of things such as, oh I don't know, things you'd change if you ran the world?

And as long as we're making blog rules, I have one...a permanent ban on post titles using the frame "Of _____ and ______" as well as, "_______, _______, and _____ (Oh My!)"


Madame DeFarge said...

Three compliments could be challenging. But one of them could be that I liked your slippers. Would that still count?

Not The Rockefellers said...

I think somewhere along the line I did a number 2 (hee)...

I like peas and I like warm milk...
but peas in warm milk?

visualize whirled peas


Peace (Peas) - Rene

Pearl said...

Canned peas are certainly MY idea of a punishment. Ack. Now REAL peas? Mmmm. I will eat them right out of your garden. Won't even wash 'em.

And it is common around my house for someone to say, "Hey? Where are my *****?" To which I say, "If I find them, I get to hit you with them." Amazing how often the question asker responds with "Wait. I think I know where they are."

I like to think of it as a public service.

And Chris? You're on to me. :-)

justsomethoughts, I will have to be "assistant" bartender, because unless the drink has the ingredients in it ("I'll have a rum and coke") or if you're asking for a beer, I don't know how to make it. I just hate when I ask for, say, a Kamikaze (a shot drink) and the bartender asks me what's in it? How the hell would I know? I've been drinking, for crying out loud!

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

Great ideas and what a great way to get rid of all those cans of nasty peas!

Here's one to add to your list. Whenever you see someone driving like an idiot, you get to hit them with one of those rubber sticky darts that says Idiot on it. When someone gets six of them, their license is revoked and the car is parked in their front yard!

Lynn said...

No. I really think I'd better be boss of the world.
I have a plan to put a lot of people to sleep.

Humanely, of course.

Then there will be sterilizing of ninnyhammers, nimrods, and schmendricks.

Reddirt Woman said...

NO, NO.... not the pea threat!

I don't have any house shoes so I won't have a problem with that one. It's been a while since I've walked anywhere and it is downright un-Okie like to use a crosswalk, but smacking the offending nose sounds good to me... If I see people other than the ones I live with I have no problem with compliments. The people I live with... sometimes a problem. Does it count if I say it looks like your dog has lost weight? Vandals... Do pumpkins and watermelons count as throwable fruits? Love the idea for lost items except I'm the one that usually can't find something.

I'd vote for you, Pearl! Great post.


Kavi said...

I like point number 4. hmm. Very inspiring.

Praise be to the ruler of the world and assistant bartender !


Warty Mammal said...

Oh dear. I feel a smiley coming on. 8>)