You just never know when one will overhear a tasty conversation, see something humorous in the man asleep on the grass at the side of the road, or make petty observations regarding how much better the world would be if I ran it.
That's right. Welcome to Friday.
The following are further observations on the rules that will be put into place once I step into my rightful place as Chief Ruler and Assistant Bartender to the World.
- The public wearing of bedroom slippers will be prohibited. Come on, people. You're outside of the house. Put on a real pair of shoes.
- The use of bulleted lists in lieu of an actual post will not be allowed and will be punishable by the required consumption of one can of peas or a glass of warm milk, whichever is deemed worse.
- All pedestrians will get one free swing at any car that noses into the crosswalk and forces said walker to walk around it - two swings if it is snowing or raining. Umbrellas are allowed. In the words of Midnight Cowboy's Rizzo: "Hey! I'm walkin' here!"
- Everyone should strive to deliver three compliments a day, all of which must be sincere. "You don't sweat as much as I thought you would" or "Well, I've seen worse outfits" will be recognized as non-compliments and will not count toward the compliment requirement. Failure to deliver will require the eating of a can of peas.
- People caught vandalizing will be put on display at traffic intersections and will raise revenue for the community through the public's purchase of old fruit and vegetables (opportunity for local grocers!) with which they will be pummeled. Given the number of people I've talked to who would love the chance to peg the guy who wrote his name on the garage (I'm talkin' to you, Sl33py P33W33!!), the cost of the bad tomato, for instance, plus $5 toward the refinishing of whatever was vandalized, oughta cover it.
- Any item that can be found easily after someone over the age of 10 has claimed it wasn't there and requires your help to find it may be hit with said item, i.e., "Honey? Where's my car keys?" If you can't find them and I find them easily, I get to hit you with them. And then force you to eat a can of peas.
And I've got my notebook for when they occur to me.