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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I Won't Be Doing THAT Again...

Seems I’ve gotten a bit of meme on me again.

Gadjo Dilo (not his real name), quite possibly knowing my love of the meme, hit me up with a request for 10 things I’ve done once in my life which I wouldn’t want to repeat, ever.

Ten? This is in violation of the terms of my parole.

You’re getting five.

Here they are, ladies and gentlemen: Five Things I’ve Done Once That I’ll Not Do Again.

(Order of appearance has no relationship to level of stupidity/enjoyment and should not be used for the purpose of wagering. Should a rash appear after reading this blog, please see a doctor.)

  1. In my first year of college, I rented a room for three weeks from a Viet Nam vet who got frighteningly drunk and said terrible things to me. When I moved out, he was devastated. How dare I move out? The town had less than 700 people, and it wasn’t hard for him to find me, which he did, he and his friend, who came into my house, drank a case of beer and talked about how many people in the U.S. disappear while I shook with fear. The highlight? His friend ate a light bulb and a razor blade – I kid you not – at the kitchen table. His gums bled, but I guarantee you that he swallowed them. My regret here is that I didn’t run out of the house and down the road for help.
  2. When The Boy was eight months old, I went horseback riding. What do I know about horses? Nothing, which became evident half an hour into it when I was thrown from the petulant beast and broke my left arm. Have you tried to change diapers with a cast on your arm? I have.
  3. I will no longer assume that things that look like breaded/deep-fried mushrooms are, indeed, mushrooms, as I did three years ago at the buffet table at a local Ramadan celebration. The big bite I took might’ve been a gizzard. Might’ve been a testicle. Whatever it was, it was cartilaginous and will not appear on my dinner plate again.
  4. When I first moved into the house I am in currently, it was very important that I make it my own. The fabulous woodwork in my 105-year-old house had been painted over. Surely I should strip the paint off? Blissfully ignorant of paint-removal techniques, I launched into it; and like so many things, had I known how much work it was going to be, I might not have done it at all. That little project took me 10 months.
  5. Back when Guess jeans were the must-have item, I believed I needed them as well. Never mind that I had a three-year-old and obligations. Never mind that they were ridiculously expensive. Never mind that they were not suited to my body type. I bought them anyway. I wore them three times and then saw a picture of myself in them. I looked distinctly sausage-like. I was a $76 dollar, pointless sausage.

And there it is. Five things I’ve done that I won’t do again.

The following people may consider themselves tagged: Jocelyn at O Mighty Crisis; Sparkle Farkle at Sparkle’s Soup of the Day; The Green-Eyed Momster; and Dar at Ramblings About Why.

Tell us what you've done that you won't be doing again.

25 comments:

powdergirl said...

1. Yikes, run Pearl run. I've only seen the glass eating, razor blades? Ugh, sounds like terrible time.
2.Nope, never broken a bone in my life. But I did have to keep up to 2 and 4 year olds with a dislocated toe.
3. Can't even think about it.
4.Oy vey, bet it looked good when you were done, though : )
5.We must not follow every trend we must not follow every trend we must not follow every trend....

Maelstrom said...

Please post up the guess jeans sausage picture for peer review.

SparkleFarkle said...

I, too, have walked the Sausage Path.

What an incredible five-- that put's the bar pretty high! Thanks for tagging me (I actually love meme-doing!). I will try and incorporate it into a Jack Handey Friday blog.

ellen abbott said...

Oh yes, stripping the woodwork in an old house. I started stripping the woodwork in my equally old house. I now have three rooms with the woodwork partially done. Three different projects, none ever completed.

Douglas said...

It appears that you have lived a truly sheltered life. Well, unless the unrevealed five would belie that immediately.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Using the word "cartilaginous" to describe a piece of food is impressive. Also impressive? The bile rising in the back of my throat as I imagined biting into what was assumed to be a fried mushroom to find it to be much, much more chewy.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Thanks for the tag, Pearl! I love being tagged! ;)

I cannot understand how changing a diaper with a broken arm is even possible.

I'll work on it today! I could probably list 100 things! I'll let you know when I'm finished!

Hugs!!

H.K. said...

Yes, I have learned never to ride horses again, that's another story for another time!

That was scary what happened to you during college! I think you were just frozen with fear.

Lynn said...

Whatever became of the light bulb eater!?
I don't think that is good for a person, but then I don't think they were persons.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Done!

FLYNAVY said...

Goat tar tar from a roadside vendor in Khost City. Was tuff getting rid of those pesky intestinal parasites. & not a good way to loose weight or clean ur colon. The light bulb guy sounds sorta scary. & the crowd has my vote for the pics on the sausage jeans, sure they're just fine.

Bee said...

Yep; they all sound bad! The first reminiscence was powerfully bad.

Pearl said...

As a quick response, light-bulb/razor blade guy has disappeared, along with Viet Nam Vet guy. Actually, they were both vets. Anyway, I moved from that town to another shortly after that. We didn't know anyone in common so whatever became of his life is a complete mystery to me. And yes, I was frozen with fear -- they made many references to wrapping me up in a sleeping bag, chaining it tight and dropping me in a lake, then laughing and saying "just kidding". I was told by a biker friend later that that is a method of killing specific (at least at the time) to the Hell's Angels, a chapter being not too far away.

Makes ya wonder how his lower intestinal tract is, though, all that glass and metal...

Madame DeFarge said...

The first one is bad enough. Certainly wouldn't want to touch that if I were you, but at least it would help recycle light bulbs.

Tami said...

GOOD GOD!!! That first one scared the hell out of me!!! I don't know HOW you just sat there.

Definitely wouldn't want a repeat of that.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I thought I was doing OK with my five but your vet eclipses them completely!

The Jules said...

Deep frying stuff makes everything taste nice.

Even trachea.

Reddirt Woman said...

You had me at eating light bulbs and razor blades... O.M.G.

Helen

mrwriteon said...

Even though you didn't tag me, I want to do this, too. Can I? Can I?

Not The Rockefellers said...

It was all a day at the office for me until #5...

Guess Jeans?
Girl, are you out of your damn mind?

Peace - Rene

A Mom on Spin said...

And I don't blame you!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh my lord! You poor thing. And I think I had the same Guess jeans you had :-)
xo

darsden said...

LOL...oh and I didn't get the memo!

The Retired One said...

I loved the sausage description you gave. I too, have HAD to have some fashion urges only to have sausage pictures taken of me afterwards. What in the HELL was I thinking?
From now on, its strickly MUMU's for me.
:-}

Warty Mammal said...

Colorful reading but - dear god! I'm glad you came out of some of those alive.