Seems I’ve gotten a bit of meme on me again.
Gadjo Dilo (not his real name), quite possibly knowing my love of the meme, hit me up with a request for 10 things I’ve done once in my life which I wouldn’t want to repeat, ever.
Ten? This is in violation of the terms of my parole.
You’re getting five.
Here they are, ladies and gentlemen: Five Things I’ve Done Once That I’ll Not Do Again.
(Order of appearance has no relationship to level of stupidity/enjoyment and should not be used for the purpose of wagering. Should a rash appear after reading this blog, please see a doctor.)
- In my first year of college, I rented a room for three weeks from a Viet Nam vet who got frighteningly drunk and said terrible things to me. When I moved out, he was devastated. How dare I move out? The town had less than 700 people, and it wasn’t hard for him to find me, which he did, he and his friend, who came into my house, drank a case of beer and talked about how many people in the U.S. disappear while I shook with fear. The highlight? His friend ate a light bulb and a razor blade – I kid you not – at the kitchen table. His gums bled, but I guarantee you that he swallowed them. My regret here is that I didn’t run out of the house and down the road for help.
- When The Boy was eight months old, I went horseback riding. What do I know about horses? Nothing, which became evident half an hour into it when I was thrown from the petulant beast and broke my left arm. Have you tried to change diapers with a cast on your arm? I have.
- I will no longer assume that things that look like breaded/deep-fried mushrooms are, indeed, mushrooms, as I did three years ago at the buffet table at a local Ramadan celebration. The big bite I took might’ve been a gizzard. Might’ve been a testicle. Whatever it was, it was cartilaginous and will not appear on my dinner plate again.
- When I first moved into the house I am in currently, it was very important that I make it my own. The fabulous woodwork in my 105-year-old house had been painted over. Surely I should strip the paint off? Blissfully ignorant of paint-removal techniques, I launched into it; and like so many things, had I known how much work it was going to be, I might not have done it at all. That little project took me 10 months.
- Back when Guess jeans were the must-have item, I believed I needed them as well. Never mind that I had a three-year-old and obligations. Never mind that they were ridiculously expensive. Never mind that they were not suited to my body type. I bought them anyway. I wore them three times and then saw a picture of myself in them. I looked distinctly sausage-like. I was a $76 dollar, pointless sausage.
And there it is. Five things I’ve done that I won’t do again.
The following people may consider themselves tagged: Jocelyn at O Mighty Crisis; Sparkle Farkle at Sparkle’s Soup of the Day; The Green-Eyed Momster; and Dar at Ramblings About Why.
Tell us what you've done that you won't be doing again.