I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Career Options are Endless

My brain has found itself in a rut lately. Initially, I was horrified, but, three beers in, I’m actually feeling kinda comfy.

My rut? I’m consumed with thoughts of poverty, with images of myself in line at a food shelf or making my lousy winter boots last another season.

But Pearl, my inner pioneer woman says, them there boots done lasted you for eight years now! They’re fine boots!

And this is true. Them there boots have lasted a good long time.

But what if they develop a hole, say, in October; and I can’t replace them? I can already picture myself at the bus stop, my feet wrapped in towels and stuffed into bread bags.

I need additional income. But I don’t actually want to work any more than I do now – between corporate work, my blog, and yoga, who has time for toiling?

I’m tired of working the old-fashioned way. I need a scam.

What do you think of this? You ready?

Dark-B-Gone.

That’s right! Dark-B-Gone! Are you tired of inadequate lighting? Are you confused by twilight? Looking for a dusk remedy? For only $19.99 I will share with you the secret of shadow removal, the techniques that the people in charge – do we need to use names?! – don’t want you to know!

But wait! There’s more!

For an additional $19.99 I will also send to you the many processes and procedures available for light eradication! Tired of squinting? The sun, fluorescent lights, even candles can wreak havoc with the eyes! Why use your pupils more than you need to? Try my tried and proven methods to eliminate this problem!

And just to show you how serious I am, here’s one technique for light reduction absolutely free! You ready?

Blinking! That’s right. Blinking. That one’s for free. And I have several – several! – other ways of beating illumination issues right here, right in my hot little hand, and they’re all yours for only $19.99.

E-mail now* and receive both these offers, both Dark-B-Gone and Dark Now, for just $39.98! Imagine the looks on friends’ faces when you possess the answers to questions like “Does it seem dark to you?” and “It seems awfully bright in here, doesn’t it?”

Contact me within the next 24 hours and receive, my gift to you, a genuine Certificate of Illumination, complete with hand-lettering and a naugahyde carrying case.

Hurry! Call now!



*Offer not available where people are using their brains.

18 comments:

Pat said...

Yep, $19.99...That's always the price.

♥ Braja said...

Truth to tell I was comPLETELY satisfied with the first line....:)))

Douglas said...

You had me at scam. Can I be your marketing manager? You do the marketing, I'll do the managing... of the money.

Are you old enough (of course you aren't, you are just a child!) to remember cobblers? No, not the peach and cherry ones, the artisans, the craftsmen, who magically repaired those shoes that developed holes in the soles and whose heels resembled shims to use as door stops?

Ms Sparrow said...

You forgot the "but wait!" with the junky little add-ons. How about additional miniature ones for the pets?

mapstew said...

Do you accept VEESA?

xxx

Not The Rockefellers said...

What about S&H charges??
And would you wear one of those cool head mikes when you do your infomercial?
Because that would be badass...

Peace - Rene

CatLadyLarew said...

I think I should start spending less time looking for work and more time looking for scams!

unfinishedrambler said...

I never, never would have thought of that. I'm sooo glad that you're here to help illuminate things for me. I mean, darken things for me?

Kevin Musgrove said...

You forgot the Insta-strobe (TM) add-on at just $9.99

Bee said...

What Braja said! Although I do admire your enterprising mind. Have you tried infomercials yet?

Lynn said...

You are so funny.

But wait there's more!

Don't call me Shirley.

In my family, NO one gets away with the word "surely!"

Sweet Cheeks said...

Cash On Delivery my sister!

:)

Scammers beat Spammers!

powdergirl said...

Haven't used my brain in weeks, hook me up sister, I live to control light.

Mr. Condescending said...

where has this product been all my life!?

ladyfi said...

Hilarious! Glad I didn't blink or I would have missed it! ;-)

King of New York Hacks said...

yeah...brains are WAY overrated !!

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

Hey if people can sell pet rocks, I think this ought to do just fine. Try a booth at the Fair. The things I saw for sale there were a lot stranger than this! And besides, you'd get to meet so many interesting people.

Patricia said...

I knew this would happen. You're billiant, P, and brilliance doesn't come without a price. Your price: starving artist. DAMN IT. I told you not to be such a talented writer, didn't I? Put me down for one 'a those.