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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

We Have Great Britain on Line 1

So I was sitting at work the other day, simultaneously arranging for travel, formatting a document I had moved from Word to Excel, and knitting myself an afghan (not an Afghani – and ooh, boy, if you’ve ever made that mistake you know why I double-check those directions now!) when I realized that the whole world depends on me.

Hard to believe, isn’t it? The whole world!

And yet there it is. For some reason, I – and you and you and you, it seems – have drawn the short straws here and will be required to toil until just moments before our deaths.

Now how in the wide, wide world of sports do you suppose that happened?

Was it because of Senior Skip Day, all those years ago? My mom said nothing good would come of it. Is this what she meant?

Was it because I laughed – hysterically, true, but I laughed – at a relative’s funeral? I didn’t want to! I bit the inside of my mouth until it bled, but I couldn’t stop; and worse yet, it caused my sister to join in. We hung our heads, hoping our jerking shoulders would lead those around us to believe we were sobbing, but it didn’t fool our aunt, who turned around and whispered, smiling, “I know what you’re doing”, which led us to both laugh and burn with shame at the same time.

Was it because I ate the recommended limit of sugar-free dark chocolates the other day, risking a testing of the sugar-free-chocolate-as-laxative theory I’ve been hearing so much about lately?

For whatever reason, the weight of the world is upon my freckled shoulders again.

So is there anything I can get you, while I’m up? I’ve got India on hold with questions on Outlook, Wisconsin is drunk and threatening to come over with laundry – and you just know we’ll be up all night – and some guy in Texas wants to fight because he thinks I took his coat but he didn’t even have a coat when he came in, so I don’t know what he’s talking about…



Blue Eyes said...

Why would Great Britain need your worldly-wise head when we have The Great Saviour Dear Leader Gordon Brown MP in charge???

I know how you feel. I alternate between feeling indispensable and utterly useless.

powdergirl said...

Ha haha. Well Pearl, You've put me off knitting for life, I'm just terribly afraid that I''ll accidently knit an Afghani, not a mistake I want to make, apparently.

Thanks for the morning laugh :-D

Joanie M said...

I went to school so long ago, we didn't have Senior Skip Day!

Joanie M said...

and if you ever feel the need to test the sugar-free chocolate as laxative theory, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT leave the house! Trust me on this.

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

So. Let me see if I got this straight. You've got the world on your shoulders, and Joanie had the sugar-free runs.


I think I need a Starbucks.

ellen abbott said...

...as if I wasn't busy enough!

ellen abbott said...

Oh, and, thanks for tagging along on my blog.

Under the Influence said...

It's exhausting, isn't it?

Douglas said...

You stop at the recommended limit???? I am shocked. or in awe at your self control. How about sending me some, I'm out.

JamaGenie said...

Can't remember when I've laughed so hard at a post! Thanks!

Call me weird, but I rather like the idea of knitting a few Afghanis. Don't know to tell you about Gordy, tho. Just don't send him to this side of the Pond - took us eight years to get rid of *our* Great Savior.

Anonymous said...

So really...you're a super hero and the whole 'Pearl knitting in her office drinking end of the world soup' is just your cover?

I should have known...

Sweetie Cheeks

@eloh said...

What is it that causes inappropriate funeral laughing?

Is there really something to the saying: "I HAD to laugh to keep from crying"...?

Is it secondary body function preference? Crying involves snot which makes me gag. Laughing makes me pee.

I prefer to pee.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

My sisters and I used to laugh like that during church all the time. And my mom would give us THE LOOK and we would shake all the harder.

darsden said...

OMGosh Pearl you sound like my family..we always get in trouble for laughing at the wrong time...

Hey I have some extra hands I will help you hold this ole world up :-)

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post!

Do you give out computer advice for a living? Wow - you must have some stories to tell!