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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Suspect is Believed to be Driving a Car of Some Sort

I stood on my front steps last evening, talking to my neighbor, a woman as ridiculously vigilant regarding the park as I am.

You see, there’s a public park across the street from our properties, a lovely green spot with big trees. There’s soccer and baseball in the summer, hockey in the winter, large intra-mural colored-tee-shirt-wearing competitions between teenagers of different churches (“Current standings: Lamb of God has walloped Christ Our Lord at the three-legged race; House of Mercy has trounced Abundant Life in punt/pass/throw! Up next: The Church of the Nazarene against 34th Street Southern Baptist. You have two minutes to the starting gun! Two minutes!”)

Screaming laughing kids, the litter, the bull-horned announcements, the cars.

The cars.

Sometimes the cars pull up, cut their engines, make phone calls, wait for other cars. Thug-Life tattooed men move things from one trunk to another and then speed away.

And there I am, on my second-floor porch, watching, trying to get a license plate number. Difficult to do, but the binoculars I got for my birthday help.

No one ever looks up.

And those aren’t hotdish recipes they’re trading.

I call every time, but the cops haven’t made it in time to catch them yet.

The cars – who can describe them? That’s the problem when you can’t get the plate number.

“Ummm. It was a white car. It had four doors and tinted windows. I’m pretty sure it had tires. And there was chrome. Lots of chrome. Oh, and I believe “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle” was on the DVD player in the back, but I might be wrong about that.”

Have you seen that car?

When did I stop knowing things about cars? I like to think it was when, at least in my eyes, they stopped being distinctive and interesting; but it could actually be about the time I didn’t have to know anything any more, aka after me and the Lug Nut broke up.

I think I became willfully ignorant after that, just because I could.

Ha! Take that, ex-boyfriend! I refuse to remember what you taught me!

That’ll teach him to, uh, teach.

Anyway, what I know about cars would fill a thimble, and get your thimble ready because here it is: You absolutely can flush your own radiator by following the directions on a package; if you’ve just changed your oil and yet nothing registers on the dipstick you might want to check if you put the plug back in; no matter what anyone tells you, your Van Allen Belt is not loose; and there’s not been a single recorded instance of someone being dangerously low on blinker fluid.

And when you absolutely can’t tell a Honda Accord from a Honda Civic, you keep your camera at hand.

Bring on the arms traders.

23 comments:

Comedy Goddess said...

You are ready to be a regular on NPR's Car Talk. I'd trust you!

Pearl said...

CG, don't you love that show?!

ellen abbott said...

Oh man, I get it. Once while driving my kids to school we were behind a car and the front seat passenger held up a gun to the driver's head and then turned and LOOKED right at ME!. Holy shit! I pulled over as soon as I saw a phone and called 911. What kind of car was it, they asked. Uhhh...a dark blue sedan?

@eloh said...

I remember when cars had "hood ornaments". Husband#1 had a Plymouth that had breasts that lit up.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I love that automotive logo quiz on Facebook. I whoop ass on it!

I think anyone born in the Motor City is raised from toddlerhood to recognize the automakers. My son routinely announces the cars that pass on the road: "That's a Ford, that's a VW, that's a Chevy, that's a Pontiac, that's a Jeep, that's a Dodge..." etc.

Cracks me up.

Under the Influence said...

I think the camera and binoculars duo is your best bet to helping the cops catch these guys!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I guess a citizen's arrest is out of the question...

Barbara Blundell said...

Some are red,some are blue,some are silver, some are black,some are green ,some are even yellow ! If it 's long its either a hearse or a limo. If it has words on the side it's a delivery van. Easy

Not The Rockefellers said...

Watch out for Our Lady of Perpetual Motion...they are unstoppable!

And I, like you, can't tell the difference in cars since everything started looking like a Ford Taurus or an Expedition.

Peace - Rene

ladytruth said...

I'll drop a line next time I'm stuck on the side of the road not knowing why the car won't move forward any more as you obviously know a lot more than I do about "the ride." ;)

You're lucky to have people in your parks. Over here you just go to a park if you want to practice your yelling skills. We don't do parks any more as you stand a chance of getting molested or robbed. And if you're not fussy, you get both for the price of one. But keep an eye out for those "traders" over at your park; you'll feel like the local hero when busting one!

A Mom on Spin said...

Do you ever get to see couples having secret rendevouz???

That's what I'd want to see. . .

Lynn said...

Go get em, Girlie!

Jules said...

We all used to sit outside and write down the license plates when there was a drug house in our neighborhood. If everyone joins together.....

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

My Van Allen Belt is a little loose, yes, but if I keep eating those Butterfly Clusters and the delicious Crab Nebula, it might get tighter and tighter.

giantspeckledchihuahua said...

All cars look alike these days... a cadillac no longer looks like a cadillac, a lincoln in no way resembles a lincoln. Except for the really high dollar cars, they're all the same...

kanishk said...

You're lucky to have people in your parks. Over here you just go to a park if you want to practice your yelling skills.
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Green-Eyed Momster said...

I'm low on blinker fluid. Seriously. I swear!
Oh Pearl, you need a cape! You get those thugs, girl!!

Hugs!!

Jocelyn said...

Time to get a really long lens and start snapping photos. From behind a huge fern.

I know ferns. I don't know cars.

Except that red one. I saw it once. The red one.

powdergirl said...

I no longer have to recognize vehicles,I have a son who's car identifies skills are encyclopedic. I will send him to you and he will help you. I will want him back eventually though.

Douglas said...

Pictures. Why can't you upload pictures to the police? They do it on 24 all the time.

And you reminded me of the co-worker from West Virginia (by God!) who convinced his girlfriend she needed to put "winter air" in her tires.

bettyl said...

Ah, yes, the good ol' days when cars had personality and distinctive looks. *sigh* It used to be easy to tell them apart.

Pearl, you hang in there. One day the call will be 'on time' and worth the wait to see the drivers cuffed and dragged off!!

SweetPeaSurry said...

My goodness, people and happening watching in your neighborhood just sounds fabulously interesting!!! I LOFF IT!!!

Blessings!

Rinkly Rimes said...

Normally, anything about cars bores me but that was an easy read.