I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

People are So Uptight These Days, or I’ll Be in The Alley with A Garrote

I watched the three kids in the alley Saturday night, cell phone in hand, my dialing finger having already pressed 9 – 1…

Yeah, that’s me. The super-tough one squinting at you behind the curtain from the second-floor window. It’s 11:30. What’re you doing in my alley, making all that noise?

Give me a reason to press the other “1”, punk.

My mind shimmies from side to side with the possibilities. My eyeballs spin counter-clockwise as I consider a variety of crimes against nature and man involving people I can envision lurking in an alley. What are they doing out there? Meth lab? Puppy mill? Palin for President rally?

Good God. This could be serious.

I squint through the blinds. Man, I wish I had a cigarette.

Having had the recent privilege of paying for the installation of a new service door on the garage (after some reprobate kicked it in), the kids in the alley, their bikes next to them as they talk, look more like pending bills than people to me, some city-dweller tax that no one talks about.

Well, I’m on to ‘em. Little buggers. Go play in your own alley!

This all goes through my head in roughly the same amount of time it takes to, say, get the chain back on your bike properly; and I watch as one of them spins his back wheel with an air of satisfaction. The one standing next to him punches him in the arm while the third one hops his bike up and down, up and down, the two-wheeled equivalent of a tapping foot.

They look like children. Like hormonal, mostly-grown, restless children.

I let the curtain fall and close my phone without hitting the final “1” in the 911 equation.

There will be plenty of time for that another day.

28 comments:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

You should save those calls for the really menacing ones in your neighborhood: old ladies on scooters running over your flowers.

ellen abbott said...

Feeling a little cranky, are we?

mapstew said...

Oh dear Pearl, i fear you may be getting.......old...

xxx

@eloh said...

I still try to avoid looking out my windows....memories of old ladies...oh the horror, the horror.

Pearl said...

mjenks, would you believe I saw that woman this morning on my way to the bus?! I almost -- almost! -- followed her...

Ellen, more suspicious, that's for sure!

mapstew, you take that back!

@eloh, I'm thinking of knitting a slingshot. :-)

Kavi said...

oh. That gives me ideas. Ideas. And memories too !!

:)

Barbara Blundell said...

Hi Pearl,
Am tickled pink ! The world certainly is shrinking ! Just picked up your interview Wonderful to hear your voice and interesting to listen to your story and literary rise to fame.You sounded to be right here in my computer room I almost asked if you were ready for a cup of tea and some cake.
Always look forward to and enjoy your blog !

Pearl said...

Kavi, when you have ideas, the world listens!

Barbara, oh, that is wonderful. Truly. And yes, I would've accepted a piece of cake. Honestly, am having a hard day today and would very much like time with an intelligent woman bringing me a piece of cake...

mapstew said...

Yeah, definitely...old.
I know the signs....for I do the same!
There's nothing for it now but buy the cardigan and slippers.

xxx

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Screw 911, you need to get yourself a tranquilizer gun.

powdergirl said...

I like that idea of knitting a sling-shot.

But I can't knit so instead I keep a golf club in my bedroom. I don't golf but I am real fussy about kids wrecking my stuff or scaring my little old lady next door : )

Jess said...

LOL! I have the non-emergency number on speed dial. I will not hesitate to call the po-po on your ass if you are making more noise, especially on a school night, than I think you should! OH YEAH! I SAID IT! The same one that is all about a keg stand on the back porch! But see, that is OK, because we start our parties at 6:00 in the afternoon! It is call consideration...and the fact that we just can't wait till the night falls!

darsden said...

Oh my I can't so see you peeking out of the curtains..Ya know they know where you live now..LOL I think they were looking for flowers to steal..LOL how is your flower garden this year.

Barbara Blundell said...

Hi Pearl,
Thanks for the compliment I would have said attractive, even stunning but the intelligence bit is questionable.I mean who else makes Carrot Cake and forgets to put the carrots in it ?
I can bake biscuits though and also sew a fine seam

Sweet Cheeks said...

Most of the time a single child isn't a problem...but once they start to form a pack...well they become little beasts don't they?

You know I speak the truth.
;-)

SparkleFarkle said...

God. You sound like me. ALWAYS trying to make sure nobody's breaking the rules. People should love us, SHOULDN'T THEY DAMMIT?!?! lol!

Eskimo Bob said...

The more I think about it having Palin for President wouldn't be that bad. . . depending on who the VP is. Reason is - 2 years into her term she'll end up quitting anyway.

Douglas said...

It's the quiet ones that you have to worry about. Trust me... I was one once (a long, long time ago).

mrwriteon said...

Your vigilance reminds me of mine at night. I could empathize completely. I suspect it was a clandestine Palin rally, however.

Eric said...

Don't shout 'Get Off My Lawn'... Just install remote sprinkler heads in unlikely places so they can be accidently started.

De Campo said...

Maybe they thought you could see Russia from your second story window and were crafting a “Pearl for President” campaign.

SweetPeaSurry said...

Oh my ... that is so funny! I do that same thing, when I see hooligans hanging around when I get home from work at nearly midnight, on a school night no doubt!

(run-on sentence much there, surry? why yes ... yes I do!)

I'm happy it didn't come down to some awful shenanigans though.

blessings!

Lynn said...

Meth Lab
Puppy mill
Palin for President Rally
That made me bust out!
I could hardly read the rest of your words!!!!
Those are three baddies, alright.

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

I like Eric's sprinkler head idea. Personally I have a large dog who stays in the fence (sometimes) to make me look like a responsible pet owner. When she takes the notion she just lights out for the territories! The neighborhood kids steer far around our house!

ladyfi said...

Life in the city, eh? Thank goodness I don't live in one.

The Jules said...

Puppy Mills are bad?

Damn . . .

Jocelyn said...

No wonder I adore you. I kind of am you. Strategy the other night, when loud voices got too loud in the alley: go out on my back porch and start taking photos. The flash went off three times, and then they skittered and all fell silent.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

You should have followed her, Pearl! I assume this time you had shoes on.