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Friday, August 21, 2009

It’s Not Just Ideas I’m Full Of

I have a friend who, having started an exercise regime a couple years ago, is in love with her new-found muscles.

“Here,” she grunts, pushing her belly forward, “Punch me. Feel those muscles. Go ahead. Punch me.”

Who can pass up such a situation? Lots of people, as it turns out. No one wants to punch a woman in the stomach, even if she is specifically requesting it and pushing her tensed muscles toward you.

OK. It’s not a friend of mine. It’s me. And I sheepishly acknowledge that, having rediscovered my physical self two years ago, I may have flexed for a few people.


See, I’ve always been good at exercising my brain, but my body? Left to my own devices, I am not the woman to go running the paths around the lakes. I admire those people, I’ve wanted to be one of those people, but running? Like being chased by two puppies in a gunny sack, if you follow my meaning.

Which got me to thinking.

Is there a card for this, for people in the throes of changing how they see themselves?

“Congratulations on having discovered your body! I hope you two are very happy together.” And then you open it up. “Now stop challenging me to drunken push-ups.”

Why not?

I’m not the only one, of course. I honestly did have a friend who used to show me how her personal coach made her do lunges. There she’d be, showing me her lunges, lunging from one end of the yard to the other, demonstrating how her thigh is parallel to the ground, when to inhale, when to exhale.

So yes. I am aware of how dull “check out my new muscles” can be; and I’ve personally declared, here and publicly, that enough is enough.

I hereby recognize and concede that I will no longer – even when drunk! – challenge people to The Arm-Wrestling Champeenship of the World.

Which is why I think there should be a card involved. You know, just to get it out of the way, a formal acknowledgement that yes, cool that you’re working out; yes, I see that your pants are looser; yes, your egg-white-and-wheat-germ omelet recipe sounds intriguing; and yes, they’re doing wonderful things with soy these days.

Outside of the card: “I hear you’re not eating gluten!” Inside of the card: “Can I have it?”

You know, I’m just full of ideas, all day long.

I’m not saying they’re good ideas. I’m just saying I’m full of them.

Oh, and the iPod's predictions for the weekend? Having not been on the bus this week, I've not been listening to my iPod -- however! Here's what would have come up, if I had. Make of it what you will!

Jesus Built My Hotrod by Ministry
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger by Daft Punk
Rock and Roll (Could Never Hip Hop Like This) by Handsome Boy Modeling School
Kiss, Kiss by Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs
Atomic Dog by George Clinton
Magic Bus by The Who
Oh No by Gogol Bordello


ICKY said...


I've seen her new muscles, their ....muscle-ey

ellen abbott said...

I totally relate. I started working out at the gym 6 years or so ago. No flabby under arms for me! And man, do my legs look great! I have stopped showing off all the tight and muscly parts of me though. I do get a kick out of the younger folk who think they have to carry stuff for me. I can lift more than they can for the most part.

Kell said...

if you want to start running (which I did) and hate the idea, invest in a nike+ipod .. nifty little invention that hooks up to your ipod that actually makes running (or walking) fun and slightly entertaining. google it! :)


The Jules said...

See that, there. Under that three inches of blubber that is pure muscle that is.

And yes, I've been working my sphincters. Thanks for noticing.

Douglas said...

As I tell my lovely wife... "golfers have stronger stomach muscles and that explains that bulging waistline. Now, what's for dinner?"

darsden said...

hang on I am going to go eat a bunch of stuff and come back and read this with my lil debbies...be right back

Eric said...

Has there ever been a scene in a movie where a 'pumped up' person is asking for the punch and the other person hits them in the face? Would that be kind of funny in a slapstick way?

KMcJoseph said...

I recently found out I'm gluten intolerant. My life is much better now...fucking gluten...also fuck you lactose!

@eloh said...

Somewhere someone really great looking is missing their hair and legs....some sort of mistake in gathering up pieces in the cosmos. I have exceptional hair and legs...the rest of me is just a crabby really old chubo.

People in great shape are always telling me to give them my hair and legs....hummm maybe I will some day...

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I love the card idea...outside- I have great abs; inside: but I'm not going to lift my shirt up for you!

Or, outside: I'm having a Carl's Jr for lunch, inside: coz I can totally lost those extra 9 pounds this week!

The Retired One said...

It might be FAR more interesting to have fat people whip up their shirts and beg you to feel it.
"Go ahead, Pearlie...jiggle it. No, seriously jiggle it! I have worked hard at the bar and at McDonald's to get this jewel of a gut..." "Bet you can't jiggle like me! And touch that cellulite...yeah..right there, baby!"....

Planet Mondo said...

Love the tune list have you checked out the YYY's new album. Fantastico!

Jodie Kash said...

I happily challenge all to balancing contests, legs strong like the mightly oak. I can on-one-foot-the-shit out of comers.

Ian Lidster said...

God did not mean anybody over the age of 12 to run. This I believe and this I stick to. Works for me.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Even when I'm in my best shape, I've never asked anyone to punch me in the stomach. I think I'm a wimp :-)


Anonymous said...

Outside of card:


Inside of card:




Not The Rockefellers said...

My God..you really are a superhero...

I am working on T2 Sarah Connor arms


Peace - rene

troutay said...

Off topic but I think I saw your camper yesterday. It actually had a stove pipe sticking out of the side.
Was it yellow and white?

It was so odd to see that stove pipe traveling on 35W north bound. I wish I had gotten to peek inside.

Suzy said...

You know how there's always one song by a band that you hate? Mine was Magic Bus!! Have you ever listed to The Who Sell Out?

Warty Mammal said...

How about a merit badge?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...



Hey. Let's arm wrestle.