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Friday, August 7, 2009

I'se In Yer Neighborhood, Pickin’ Up Yer Trash

I’ve got this thing about garbage.

I’m against it.

Not just any garbage, of course. Garbage cans, landfills, dumps – as ugly as they are, they’re necessary. Ugly, smelly, and necessary.

But look over there, there in the park. What the?? You see that? Who in the world just leaves their garbage? Why wouldn’t they walk it the 50 feet to the garbage can and dispose of it, leaving the place as lovely as they found it?

Because they don’t have to and no one can make them so na na na na boo boo.

And that’s where I come in: Trash Girl. Seriously, I’m thinking of having a cape made. Or at least of wearing tights.

That’s right. I got me a stick with a nail on it. I’m wandering, all free-form like, amongst the trees and napkins and empty bottles, picking up garbage and humming/laughing to myself.

You find more things in the park than just paper plates.

One day, I found the world’s smelliest pillow and an empty full-sized bottle of mouthwash under a pine tree. Isn’t that charming?

The biggest thing I ever found would have to have been the possible owner of said pillow and mouthwash bottle, a man taking advantage of all the park had to offer, face down. And when I say “face down”, I mean it in all its sinus-crushing nuance. I called to him. I poked him with a stick. Nothing. I called the cops, and they sent an ambulance, and he was lifted on to a gurney and taken away, an oxygen mask over his dirty, grass-and-pebble-pocked face.

I wonder how he is? He never calls...

At any rate, I’ll be out there again this afternoon. It’s not hard to do, and the alcohol-poisoned are not even a yearly feature, which is both a relief and a disappointment in a you’ll-never-believe-who-I-ran-into-today kind of way.

And if you see a woman in a cape, flitting about the park, stabbing at garbage and laughing at her own jokes, say “hey”.

She’s sanitizing, for your protection.


Ms Sparrow said...

You go, girl! Witty as always.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Didn't you ever see The Incredibles?

A cape is a very, very bad idea.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I think you are awesome trash girl.

Serriously, when we go to the North shore, we often find the remnants of someone's picnic. Fast food trash just left there. Hubs always brings a bag anc cleans the beach of trash before we settle down.

♥ Braja said...

There I was, looking for a heroine, and all the time you're right here...sigh...Trash Girl, I think I love you... you can sing that to "Wild thing, you make my heart sing, you make everything, groovy..." Should I go on? "But I wanna know for sure....Trash Girl...you move me..."

Eskimo Bob said...

Braja - the exact same song ran through my mind; kudos for you!

Pearl, you are now an honorary member of Grossbusters, the rip-off group from Ghostbusters. Instead of fighting Ghosts - the Grossbusters fight garbage. . . I'm sure I still have the "screenplay" somewhere.

Tamsin said...

Whenever we leave a movie theatre, it always blows my mind that grown men and women will drop trash all over the floor and UNABASHEDLY walk away from it.

Take some responsibility, people.

mapstew said...

shouting from across the park;

"Hey TG, lookin' good!"


ellen abbott said...

Oh, man, I do the same thing! It pisses me off no end, I mean the trash can is RIGHT THERE! I can only imagine what their houses look like. I used to play volleyball with a group every Sunday and they would just toss their butts on the ground. The next time I came with a coffee can and made them use that. You'd think a simple request would be enough. No, I had to GET IN THEIR FACES to make them do it.

Douglas said...

Pearl the Poker!

A hearty "Thank You!" from all of us who hate to see litter.

And see? Now you have something to keep you busy on the (unpaid) furlough week

giantspeckledchihuahua said...

As a dog owner/lover I appreciate being able to take my dog to the park and the beach. So many places don't allow dogs anymore because of the lazy asshats that can't clean up after their dogs. I walk around the beaches and parks with poop bags picking up strange dog poop.

I think I would rather be Trash Girl than poop woman. I can't see picking up poop without picking up trash so I do that, too. If I am picking up Trash Girl's trash, perhaps Trash Girl would be so kind as to pick up Poop Woman's crap.

DevilsHeaven said...

You certainly seem to run into people who need the po-po called a lot. You are such a good Samaritan.

De Campo said...

I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

Now where did you put my pillow?

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Pearl, I admire your altruistic, yet sarcastic, nature.

Litterchick to the rescue!

Not The Rockefellers said...

I see you have assumed your super human identity..it is time for me to do the same...

I will have to call to the superiors...:D

What was their number again?

Peace - Rene

A Mom on Spin said...

You are an awesome Trash Girl!!!

powdergirl said...

It is my fondest hope to see this caped crusader at work, cause around here? Thats me. And sometimes my kids.
But instead of capes we have hefty bags and latex gloves.

This is a really funny and delightful post about a truly abhorant example of human sloth.

Hey, I found that guy once too, being a small town res. I learned that he did indeed survive his shit-faced face-plant ordeal. Treatment was provided.
But he doesn't write either : )

The Retired One said...

You are amazing...
thank YOU for doing that.

We own a house across the street from where we live. It is across the street from a restaurant. The other day, I say a lady take her dog INTO THE LAWN of the house for him to go #2!!! She didn't know someone wasn't living there....the lawn was mowed with a flower garden on the property...and there she was, holding on to his leash and letting him go on the lawn. Gheesh. I would have LOVED to gone and scooped it up, put it in a carryout bag and given it to her, saying:"here you left this when you came to the restaurant. I am sure you wanted it to go."

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Oh Pearl! You're my Super Hero! Thank you on behalf of all the trash leavers for caring. Especially because I have kids and I love taking them to a trash free park.
I wish that more people cared about things like you! I wish you were in charge of everything! The planet would be a better place if you were!


@eloh said...

You need to take your camera with you. How about a "most interesting FIND of the week in your side bar?

Heidi said...

Wow! A bonafide garbage collecting superhero!! What a fantastic thing to do!