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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

“Jazz Paws, Everyone!”

Really, I should be pleased.

The kitties have discovered a way to halt their incessant yammering over the need to share the window overlooking the bird feeder, their non-stop clock-watching lest they miss “48 Hours: Hard Evidence” or their seemingly unending nitpicking over who has the more regal bearing.

That’s right. The kitties have discovered free-style dance.

You’ve met my kitties – or shall I say “kittehs”—haven’t you? There’s Liza “Bean” Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) and Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers). The sordid details of their lives – particularly Liza Bean’s involvement with an international jewelry cartel – can be found over there on the right, all the way down, under the innocuous heading of “The Cat Has a Secret Life”.

Having written it and, yes, even read it, I can recommend it for anyone with time to kill and a penchant for the kittehs.

Where was I?

Oh, yes. The kittehs and the odd “Fosse”-like vibe the house has taken on.

It’s like the auditions for “Chorus Line” around here the way they wander about in their tiny leotards, throwing a back leg up on the barre we’ve attached to the wall in the living room. Their need to rehearse the same steps over and over again, the water bottles (just a touch of lemon, please) for their continual quest for proper “hydration” – well, I was fine until last night.

I came home last night to a sewing machine set up in the kitchen, Dolly weeping large tears into her fuzzy little paws. The bobbin was out of the machine and tangled thread lie everywhere.

Look. Everyone knows that damn cat can’t sew – did you see the tree skirt she made last year? Could it get any more simple than a tree skirt? No. No, it cannot. And yet there she was, behind the sewing machine again, fussing over perhaps the longest silk scarf I’d ever seen.

Next she’ll want a convertible and a long, onyx cigarette holder.

Liza Bean, meanwhile, has taken to practicing, with the shoes on, tap steps against the wall in the bathroom while she makes phone calls from the bath tub. What is she talking about? Who is she talking to? Who knows? Worse yet, the lousy cat seems to know when I’ve pressed my ear against the wall – she turns the water on every single time I do it.

She knows how I hate that!

Well, I suppose I should count myself lucky. So many kittehs are into worse these days – weren’t there articles in the paper just the other day about the catnip problem in the schools?

A little dance won’t hurt anyone.


On another note, please slide on over to Underdogs Unite, where I am guest blogging today. To be perfectly honest, it's a re-post of something I wrote over a year ago but am hoping that it's new to, say, 95% of you. Hope you enjoy it!

19 comments:

mapstew said...

Now I KNOW I need more sleep!

xxx.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Cats in Taps..why didn't Dr Seuss think of that one?

Go Pearl...there's your book!

Peace -Rene

Can I tell you how much the name Dolly Gee Squeakers makes me giggle?

Oodles!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I can see how a sewing cat would get distracted easily. I mean, roll a ball of string around, and they go nuts. Throw a milk ring on the floor and they turn themselves inside out doing gymnastics over it.

A bobbin is essentially the best of both of these worlds. No wonder kitteh was sitting there weeping. Not only does she have the attention span of a...cat...but she's also distracting herself with that sumptuous-looking bobbin right there, with all its spinny string, it's shiny, metallic surface, its penchant for rolling from one place to the next...

Ann's Rants said...

step kick kick leap kick touch

AGAIN

step kick kick leap kick touch

AGAIN

MEOW I hope I get it. I hope I get it. How many kitties does he need?

Awesome post.

Sweet Cheeks said...

I believe your Liza Bean may have called my Mr. Whiskers. He hurried to answer the phone before I could see who it was and then I heard him whispering from inside the food cabinet.

All I could make out was something about...'next month' and 'vault' and 'I won't screw it up this time'.

When I questioned him, he claimed he was sharing his Yankee Pot Roast recipe with a friend.

Hmmmmm.

maureen said...

Those comical kitties, never a dull moment!

@eloh said...

I suppose if you pryer the taps off she'd just steal a new pair.

powdergirl said...

Gawd! She's not wearing those tiny, low-slung dance pants that say "dancer" in swirly, suggestive script right across her hairy, swishy, little Ass is she?
Because that is just taking it to the limit.
To.The.Limit.

Madame DeFarge said...

All they need is a bowler hat each and they'll be away. They'll go out a nobody and come back a star. Congrats on your future millions from the 10%.

marjean said...

I enjoyed reading the antics of your kittens. We've always had a cat in the house when our girls were growing up, but we have been "meowless" for the last few years. Your story has me suddenly missing having a cat around.

The Jules said...

This will pass.

Our house rabbit used to be into free-style, doing half-gainers off the walls and body-popping his way around the living room.

He's past all that now, being middle aged (6), and more into settling back with a Glenmorangie and smoking a carrot stick.

SparkleFarkle said...

This bloggie was Tickle Me, Elmo sweet-- my smile muscles haven't stopped flexing yet! Loved your "kitteh" imagery: Fosseville sounds fun! (I can sort of relate: I live with four feline-furries who didn't make it to the auditions.)

Pearl said...

Mapstew, I’ll warn the kitties not to sleep on your head. :-D

Rene, I’m glad Dolly Gee makes you smile. :-D

Mjenks, Dolly read your comment and wants to come to your house.

Ann, very nice. :-D

Sweet Cheeks, Mr. Whiskers? THEEEE Mr. Whiskers? Uh-oh. We have to talk.

Maureen, the kitties are always up to something!

@eloh, I hadn’t thought of that…

Powdergirl, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and I’ve firmly drawn it in front of those “Baby Phat” sweats she’s bookmarked on my laptop.

Madame DeFarge, :-D The little buggers’ll finally earn their keep!

Marjean, I agree that they are amusing, but they also run up one’s phone bill with mysterious calls to the Balkans…

The Jules, funny! We have a number of rabbits in the neighborhood, but don’t think any of them have rhythm.

SparkleFarkle, I’m glad. We should get our kittehs together. They can practice their steps and argue over who hits the nip pipe next.

af1blog said...

Ha, ha. There was a time when I might have politely suggested you could be barking (mad that is) but I guess it's meeowing, isn't it?

Very funny and very descriptive. I can just picture it, which makes me even more worried about me than I was before I read this. Brilliant! :)

darsden said...

I love your kitty's and their names...cracks me up..they are a talented pair :-)

ladyfi said...

This was hilarious!

Next your kittehs will be wanting ballet tutus...

BPOTW said...

Dancing kitties! Who'da thunk!

SweetPeaSurry said...

HEH, I love ya kitteh posts! Veddy clevah!

blessings!

dddiva said...

Hehe enjoyable learning about the kitteh's. They sound like they keep you busy.