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Sunday, July 26, 2009

If I Ran The World, Part One

On an almost daily basis, I reflect on how much I'd enjoy bending people to my will. There are those of you who will disagree with me, of course, but once you've been through the retraining camp, you'll see that you were wrong.

So I've been thinking, and I've started a list.

Feel free to read these with your modifications in mind. I may want to be the ruler of the world, but I'm going to need minions.

1. People exiting the bus -- always with the bus, Pearl! -- will be required to do so through the back door as opposed to going back through the front. It makes sense. Since you can only board by the front of the bus, you leaving through the back is the only logical thing to do. You're bunging it up for the people getting on. Think, people!

2. Anyone on the bus that can be pinpointed by an unreasonable body odor can be asked to leave said bus by any reasonably non-offensive-smelling person, such decision to be enforced by stern looks of disapproval by others witnessing the stink, all disputed decisions to be decided by me or, in my absence, a proctor chosen by a two thirds majority vote.

3. The written use of the word "Xmas" to replace the word "Christmas" will be punishable by means not yet defined but open to debate. Since when do we pronounce "X", "criss"? The daily use of the term "Peds X-ing", however, will be encouraged. It's just fun to say.

4. Women over the age of 12 shall not wear hairbows. I'm sorry.

5. Any description of a dream cannot last longer than 15 minutes. I would love to hear more about it, but we've reached the end of our allotted time.

6. Sagging pants with visible cracks will be promptly visited and "fixed" by folks armed with caulking guns and senses of humor. Repeat offenders will be visited by retired surgeons without senses of humor. One way or another, we're fixin' that crack.


Douglas said...

The sad thing is... you are not only right but outnumbered.

Travis Erwin said...

So will your superhero name be PEARL -- THE CRACK CAULKER?

powdergirl said...

Sign me up! While we're handing out those stern looks of disapproval can we also purse our lips likes Minnesotans ?

And while I'm not willing to run the caulking gun, at least not with humor, I may be available to impersonate a humorless retired surgeon.

Pearl for World Leader of Everything!

Under the Influence said...

I'm in. Oh wait, we can't both run the world, can we?

Warty Mammal said...

There's kind of an interesting about the history of Xmas here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xmas

Kevin Musgrove said...

I can relate to this, Pearl. I've started making my plans for when I have a psychotic episode. I reckon it would be less paperwork than ruling the world.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I wish you were in charge. I think we should rule the world based on the very important fact that we have boobs. Boobs are powerful and they make us smarter than men.

I think everyone should be required to have some sort of pretty tattoo over their ass crack. You know? Something nice for us to look at. I'm just sayin'


ICKY said...

Its not that boobs make you smarter....it makes us (men) dumber.
I am all for a boob-acracy .

Anonymous said...

So these people exiting the bus through the back door, is that for both black and white people? ;)

I know I haven't been here in a while and then I come out with THAT. Yikes, I guess I should stop by more often to work on my social skills. Hope to return more often, starting today. :)

Pearl said...

Douglas, it's frightening how often I'm right. :-D

Travis, I had not considered my superhero name. Pearl, Queen of Crack: do you think that would get me into trouble at some point?

powdergirl, the pursing of one's lips, ala Minnesota, is a very nice touch. Good thinking!!

Under the Influence, actually, if you come to the meetings, I think there's room for all kinds of co-rulers!

Warty, I'll drop by there...

Kevin, I hadn't considered the paperwork. Dammit. You've got a point.

Green-Eyed Momster, I did a post on the tattoos over the crack a while back and the Europeans pointed out to me that they refer to those tattoos as "tug targets", which is both an amusing and disgusting term...

Icky, good point!

Unfinished, the back door exit is an equal opportunity door. :-D

SweetPeaSurry said...

I'll compromise on the dream, and just put it in my blog rather than telling you on the bus. That way you can read through it in 15 minute increments or at your leasure.

I'm one of dem dere good minions I are!

blessings luv!

Kavi said...

Sagging pants with visible cracks will be promptly visited and "fixed" by folks armed with caulking guns and senses of humor"

That cracked me up ! Now, my pants dont sag. But i guess i need to be fixed as well !


'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

I'm all for the caulk guns. I am frequently tempted to grab one at the Wal-Mart...
I suspect the crack-monsters wouldn't care much for that!

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Good stuff. I like the X in X-mas though. Of course, I'm always telling people "Merry Crossmas", so maybe it makes more sense that way.

Gadjo Dilo said...

With you on the hairbows, Pearl. Especially, women over the age of 45 shall not be allowed to wear them, or pigtails or "Alice" bands, etc - you're not a schoolgirl anymore, and any man attracted to such a look will eventually move on to somebody younger! (So I'm told).

Organic Meatbag said...

Happy X-giving!! X-obble, x-obble says the turkey!

Beth said...

Can't you please do something about the mess at the airport baggage claim? Folks need to all just stand back from the conveyor so we can all see our bags! I'm sure they're the same idjits that exit from the front of the bus.

Aria said...

#1 is genius.
#4 is very sadly necessary
and #6 "OOOOhhhhh, Ooohhhhh!!! Mistah Kottah, can I be a fixah?!?!!!"