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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Great Blizzard of ’10, or I Won’t Have to Microwave My Co-Workers if I Plan Now

I’ve got two cans of soup in my desk drawer.

I told Sandra the other day that if she should ever be stranded in this skyscraper of a building, I’ll bet there’s all kinds of goodies in them thar offices.

She laughed because she thinks I’m kidding.

She’s cute like that.

Me? I’m not that kind of cute and I'm not kidding. I have two cans of the aforesaid soup, seven pairs of shoes (U.S. size 7 ½, aka “38” in Europe and “5” in the UK, if anyone wants to work out the ninja-style attack methods best suited for a small-ish heel), a stack of mismatched take-out napkins, a list of the new songs I need for my iPod, and a small hill of salt and pepper packets.

I also have a five-year I-can’t-believe-you-still-work-here glass sculpture that could double as a weapon.

Those who know me well know that I have a wide morbid streak. While others see bucolic, tree-lined country roads, for example, leading no doubt to a lovely encounter with a doe and her fawn, I see ancient and possibly angry trees leaning over paths that eventually lead one to a man who will tie you up and make stringy yet flavorful jerky out of you.

Or show you the way back in to town. Some days, I could go either way.

With that in mind, I have an emergency plan for my being stranded in an office tower. (Please note that this plan has me alone, for some reason. The plan that includes co-workers is pretty much the same, minus the screaming. I do have a reputation to uphold, you know.)

Day One starts with screaming. Lots and lots of screaming. Possibly some running up and down the halls. Then I take a nap, followed by looking for a breath mint. I check out all the fridges, carefully propping open the doors to the staircases that lead to other floors.

Then I take another nap.

Actually, that’s all I’ve got, the screaming and the napping. I have resolved, however, to lay in a couple more provisions, including a fresh change of undies and some tinted moisturizer.

I’m going to want to look refreshed for when they interview my thankful self on the Today Show.


darsden said...

Honey least you have a plan..I would suggest more food...and make sure your soup is a pop open can..and you don't mind eating it cold..just in case the microwave is dead...I didn't figure on you screaming...how ever I can see you knitting an escape rope... what floor do you work on...might change my whole comment to ... jus good luck ;-)

Pearl said...

Hey dar.
Up on the 48. :-) I do like the idea of knitting an escape rope! Definitely need more soup (and yes they're pop-tops and no, I don't mind if I have to drink it from the can!)

As for screaming at work, I've wanted to do that for a long time!

Comedy Goddess said...

I like the idea of planning ahead like this. There must be a way to store things in your buildings cafeteria freezers. You could secretly stash some Omaha Steaks. Because after all that screaming and napping a girl needs to be satisfied with real beef. And a good beer.

Amber Star said...

I guess you are planning for the end of days with your plan...sounds like it...yep. You never know what you might find in offices. When I worked there was food stashed nearly everywhere. Cocoa in the file cabinet, soup and crackers in another candy in my desk...you get the idea.

Would you make an I cord for the rope? Knitting those are great fun to knit. I made one for a shawl for my mil, but she is not a knitter and just didn't appreciate the cool factor. Good luck and the yarn wouldn't need to be matchy for a project like this. Look for sale yarn. It is always around. I find it everywhere...hey you may find some in somebody's desk, too. Just make sure you stash some knitting needles in your desk.

I'm wishing you all the best of luck with your survivalist endeavor.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

When the zombie apocalypse comes, I want to be on your side. You've got vision.

darsden said...

Well, Pearl that puts a whole nother spin on it honey.. I would invest in one of those suits that make you fly. Oh My..48 although that is a great number..I would have to have oxygen by the time I tried past 2 stair ways..so yep .. a flying suit. Forget knitting..screaming is allowed along with blowing whistles..carry on ;-)

Douglas said...

What, no phones in your building?

Actually, I have been stranded in an office tower. Wait, that was only for 8 hours and was called a "workday"... never mind.

Pearl said...

CG, BEER! I’d almost forgotten!!

Amber Star, I’m gonna make you proud!

Mjenks, I appreciate your appreciation.

Dar, no worries! One of the pairs of shoes I keep at my desk are mighty practical and I figure I can make it down 48 flights of stairs in, mmmm, 24 hours. :-D

Douglas, phones?!
See, to my way of thinking, by the time news gets to me on the 48th floor, everything’s already gone to hell in a handbasket. :-D Have been like that since I was a little kid, where my end of the world plans included getting my hands on a Winnebago (the truck, not the Indian) and driving to Florida before the snows flew…

Sweet Cheeks said...

Why aren't you in Hollerwood writing scary 'B' movies?

Or working for the Campbell's soup company...

Open commercial to destroyed city...you in your office chair with your knitting needles and shoes pilied around you - A smile on your face as you shovel in a plastic spoonful of chicken noodle goodness straight from the can.

Mr. Movie Trailor Voice says...

'Campbell's...The soup that eats like your last meal....EVER.'
(catchy jingle follows)


Pearl said...

Sweetie, I absolutely love that! Who wouldn't buy the doomsday soup?!


Not The Rockefellers said...

What kind of soup?
Did you know the one food that Walmart sells the most of during blizzards and such?

Strawberry Pop-Tarts

Peace - Rene

The Retired One said...

Don't forget the edible Tootsie roll stapler and the fruit rollup mousepad...they will definitely be there for you.....

Jodie Kash said...

I'm suddenly so happy to work at home, where there's always vodka and wasabi peas.

Passion said...

Plan eh? Sounds more like a fantasy to me. I see you breaking in...or hiding to emerge nocturnal... Just you, to hunt and gather drawer by drawer, floor by floor for your very survival.....no wait, thats one of mine. Sorry!

Jeve (aka John and Steve) said...

I love that you take a sec to look for a breath mint.

Barbara Blundell said...

Yes we also had a stash of things at work but sadly one weekend the place was broken into and our prized possessions -two monkey masks were stolen and boy did we miss them When tired of the everyday humdrum my friend and i would wear our masks They even had a little hole for a mouth and you could fit your cigarette in there and light up.

Heidi said...

It's a plan. Who'll be sorry when they're trapped in the tower with no plan and no soup cans?

Ann's Rants said...

I can't believe you told everyone about your soup.

Are you crazy?

You better go hide some other non-perishables and keep it on the D.L.

Peace until the darkness descends,

a fellow hunker-er down-er

ladyfi said...

It's a plan - but what about toilet paper and chocolate?!

bettyl said...

Sounds like a great start! But, as has already been mentioned, where's the chocolate?!

Louise said...

I'm laughing so hard my husband thinks I've finally lost it!