I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

What Did You Get Me for Waiting-for-the-Barbarians Day?

Did you know that yesterday was Ball Point Pen Day?

What?! You didn’t you get my Happy Ball Point Pen Day card? Dude, I swear I mailed one to you!

But first things first.

For those of you just joining us, I’ve fallen into the habit of using the songs on my iPod during my bus commute to determine the upcoming state of my weekend; and because I am not working Fridays for a bit, today’s the day.

Let us delve deeply into the iPod and ask that age-old question: What Up, G?!

Colours by These New Puritans
The Other Side by Morphine
Long Time Gone by Crosby Stills & Nash
I Go To Work by Us3
Jump Into the Fire by Harry Nilsson
Burma Shave by Tom Waits
Get On the Good Foot by James Brown

I think the iPod is saying I should take some time off, have a margarita, maybe go to a museum or two, and then head out to the Mall of America and do some serious shopping.

And so I will.

I will be gone, daddy, gone next week! Hee! Hee! I’m absolutely giddy.

What does this mean for you? Nothing, really. You know me – there will still be a post every day.

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

As I alluded to earlier, if you are looking for them, we’ve got a funky holiday for every day of the week.

Today’s blog?

Upcoming “Waiting for the Barbarians” Day, of course!

Think of the presents!

We have until November, I believe it is, but I’m working on my speech now. Here it is.

Ahem.

Thank you for all coming by. Please move forward so there’s room in the
back for those just arriving…

As many of you may have heard, we are expecting Barbarians. That’s right – after years of inviting disaster, nay, courting disaster, we have what we’ve
wished for.

The Barbarians are coming.

As the great Walt Kelly once said, “We have met the enemy… and he is us.”

ETA on the Barbarians is Oh-fifteen-thirty or so, whereupon there will be speeches, a key to the city presented to the biggest Barbarian in attendance followed by a potluck dinner in the basement of the City Hall.

Following dinner comes looting, pillaging, havoc, chaos and mayhem, followed
by the After-Mayhem Dance.

Don't forget to bring a change of shoes with you!

After years of waiting for the Barbarians, of frivolous conjecture on how to behave once the Barbarians are here, of who will be in charge and how it will affect our property values, we finally have our answers.

The following is a briefing received via fax today from the Barbarians.

Bow Before Us, Subjugates!
Let the reign of terror begin!
All will assemble! All will obey!
We will not bore you with the details of your enslavement at the present
time.
For now: Resistance is futile! All will assimilate! All will obey!
And so on and so on,
Yours truly,
The Barbarians

Naturally, we are all very excited.

Are there any questions?

19 comments:

♥ Braja said...

I remember this one :)

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

I'm going to start baking the Barbarian Cake right now. Only you don't use candles, you use torches.

Anyway, you have a lot of crap on your iPod that I've never even friggin' heard of. Don't know what that means, exactly, but there ya go.

Have a good weekend, Pearlie May.

Pearl said...

Braja, with a little re-tooling, everything old is new again!

Chris, hey, you gotta check some of it out. These New Puritans is pretty new, but the rest of it is old. Click the link, baby!

p.s. Looking forward to a big piece of Barbarian Cake.

Douglas said...

It's about time! They've been at the gate for so long now, I thought they weren't going to come in... just tag the gate with their names and their gang symbols. And probably set fire to a paper bag full of dog poop, ring the bell, and run away giggling.

powdergirl said...

Chaos and mayhem, huh, well thats all well and fine.
But will there be no raping? Have The Barbarians abandoned custom to this degree?

maureen said...

Barbarians are cool; related to Vikings, right? M ex is a Viking, so that means my kids are half-Viking, so I think I'm into this holiday!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Thought you and your readers might be interested in winning big prizes!!

Although I am still happily accepting (and pushily begging) for donated prizes for my fundraiser, I decided to get the ball rolling.

http://www.firstgiving.com/hallietwomey

PLEASE click on the link and enter to win. And forward it to as many people as you possibly can.

I am DETERMINED to raise a tremendous amount of money in my Dad's honor.

And by donating, people have a chance (or many chances!) to win some fantastic prizes!!

So it's a win-win situation for everyone!!

Thanks so much!!

Hallie

Eskimo Bob said...

I am ODIN!
Here me roar!
Valhalla calls
To LORDS OF WAR!!

ODIN!!

Bow down! I tell you now
Oh listen to my wind and sky
I am ODIN hear my cry!

ODIN!!
We shall receive Valhalla!
And We will go and conquer!
There is liberty in death
and only honor when you die in a war!

If you die of old age -
you will be sent down to hell.
Down to that awful smell.
If you die of old age
it is because you are lame!

OLD PEOPLE SUCK!
I AM ODIN HEAR ME ROAR!

Vicious Barbarians are the way!
If you want your toll to pay!


THOR!!
The image of your body.
THOR!!
Is burned upon my eyes.
THOR!!
The image of your body.
THOR!!
Will cause me to DIE!!

RAWWRRRRRRRRRRR (hack, cough, cough)

Pearl said...

Douglas, that's the NEW Barbarians. And the New Barbarians are, well,really, such a bore...

Powdergirl, I believe the raping is a surprise for later. :-)

Maureen, actually, I'm not sure, but Vikings, Barbarians, Vandals, Visigoths -- they're all SO much work as guests!

Hallie, I'll be stopping by!

EB, you freak you. :-) I laughed out loud when I read that, especially the hacking cough at the end. :-) You are too funny.

RAWR!

Madame DeFarge said...

I think, on reflection, I'd rather be a Visigoth. Or a Alan. They sound sophisticated. Huns and vandals are so last millennium.

I shall be singing Eskimo Bob's song all day in honour of this moment.

Not The Rockefellers said...

I'm all about the re-tooling! :)
I remember this classic

And Tom Waits...Burma Shave !

"Her hair spilled out like rootbeer and she popped her gum and arched her back

Hell, Marysville ain't nothing but a wide spot in the road,some night my heart pounds just like thunder
I don't know why it don't explode

Fookin' gorgeous writing...

Peace -Rene

Fancy Schmancy said...

Um, when did the barbarians start quoting Star Trek? Do they have satellite dishes on their slave-rowed ships now?

Pearl said...

Madame DeFarge, and have you seen how the huns dress?! They're ridiculous...

Rene, you just quote my favorite part of that song!

Fancy, the Barbarians are all about whatever movie they saw last. :-)

Deedee said...

Hmmm. I just read another blog post insisting that aliens were coming...could the approaching barbarians be one and the same? I guess we will see! Long Time Gone is a great tune and I like Nilsson too!

The Jules said...

I've just found out that my birthday is National Raspberry Cake day, which is similar to Waiting-for-the-Barbarians day in every respect except name and content. And day.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Go to Work - I LOVE that song. Actually I love Us3. Can't go wrong if that pops up for the weekend.

troutay said...

Shades of Pogo and Dr. Who at the same time.
Your mind amazes me and fills me with awe!

KMcJoseph said...

I prefer Beowulf.

SweetPeaSurry said...

.oO ( must get excellent duds for said Barbarian activities! )

I'm all a flutter!