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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

That Reminds Me – I’ll Have Several Large Rolls and A Shake…

Welcome to summer, season of fleshly exposures and frightened, abused clothing.

Lady, what did those clothes ever do to you that you would be so cruel? That shirt – surely you caught it selling top-secret documents to the North Koreans, yes?

I think I see what you’re up to. The plan? To wear it, despite its being several sizes too small, despite its pleading, overstressed seams, until it confesses. Good for you. Now is not the time to be lax with our national secrets. Now is not the time to mollycoddle our treasonous clothing. Obviously you have impressive proof against that shirt; and the way things are looking? Let’s just say that I wouldn’t want to be there when the poor thing finally explodes in a burst of exhausted threads.

Good for you for taking a hard line on whatever you believe that shirt did.

And the pants? Let us not speak of the pants. They are an assault on the eyes, and I fully support you in your home-grown efforts to disgrace them. You’re doing a good job, and I’ve nothing to add here.

But the sandals. Tell me about the sandals. They are too small for you, and they’ve always been too small, yes? Even from here, I can see your painted toes curling over the front of them, your heels extending beyond the length of the sandal.

Those are not your sandals, are they?

While I suspect the shirt of a subversive-style shrinking, no doubt in a bid to escape being worn yet again, and it is obvious that the pants were never trustworthy, the sandals mystify me. Perhaps you borrowed them. Perhaps a friend has pressed them upon you, urging you to wear them, either as a punishment for the shoe itself or in an attempt to humiliate you.

Where did those sandals come from, and who are they working for?

Those sandals, in conjunction with the rest of your outfit – the tourniquet masquerading as your pants’, the shirt that insists on rolling up to expose your fluffy, fluffy love handles – are clearly working for the opposition.

Those clothes – and their original owners – must be removed from the public and put away, perhaps forced into a corner so as to think about what they've done...

Kudos on your continuing efforts to bring wayward, rebellious clothing and their treasonous ways to the forefront.


The Jules said...

I've often thought about throwing a blanket with a hole cut out for the head over some of these people.

Although just an unadulterated blanket might be preferable.

The Retired One said...

I hate it when you spot me in the mall that way.

That post was so sadly funny.
I have seen that woman here too, and all of her friends.............

erin said...

I like the white trash ladies that walk around in tube tops and cute off shorts. You know the ones I'm talking about! The ladies with the constant cigarette hanging out their mouths, no chin, greasy hair?

mapstew said...

Come to my town.
See the Pyjama People.
One passed me in the street yesterday, complete with pink fluffy bathrobe and slippers.

Pearl said...

The Jules, what, cover them up?! But how will I amuse myself?!

Retired One, I'm afraid they are everywhere...

erin, how do those people get around so much? They're everywhere -- surely the Greyhound must gas up at some time!

mapstew, so they're abroad as well, are they. I would dearly love to track this phenomenon. When did going out in public become something you didn't need to get dressed for? And the underwear! Do you know how badly I want to give some of these guys a snuggie?!

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Pearly, I think you have it backwards here. Perhaps it's the CLOTHES that have kidnapped HER! They're absconding with the poor woman as we speak, taking her to some evil Ross Superstore or maybe a dry cleaners to do who knows what?

Ever think of THAT?

Douglas said...

They (whoever they are) say that clothes make the man. apparently, they make the woman too.

Irish Gumbo said...

Reeducation camps for the clothing-impaired? Perhaps a new line of underwear called the "Kim Il Thong", that'll teach 'em!

And you used the word 'mollycoddle'...(swoon)

powdergirl said...

Rest assured Pearl, these people are everywhere! They are quite entertaining but I don't think that's the look they're going for. I think they figure if they don't up their clothing size as they increase in girth, then it never really happened and they're as slim today as they were at 16, and also able to carry off the same fashion statements.
I like your national secrets theory, we've got a local woman who may well be executing the couture equivalent of waterboarding on her spandex pants.
They're electric blue and she seems to wear them daily, I think they're ready to talk.
(they are fun to poke sarcasm at, snicker)

Anonymous said...

Some people are clueless as to how inappropriate their attire is.

Over the weekend I saw a woman heading into the store wearing a pair of black shorts with bright orange words stamped across the ass...'Trick or Treat'

I was speechless...is it not June?

Should we all run around in our favorite holiday outfits just for fun?



Charlotte Ann said...

Ok, you caught me! I surely hope you didn't photogragh me wearing those pants, shirt and sandals. I have no excuse for the sandals but the rest of the outfit I blame on my quitting smoking. (wondering how long I can use that excuse) but really although 10yrs have passed since that last smoke (I'm kidding you here on the time!)
Love your post Pearl!

IB said...

This is classic: "Now is not the time to mollycoddle our treasonous clothing."

Hilarious stuff!


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Perhaps they're masochistic sandals that have glommed onto...her...feet in a fit of autoerotic pedophilic self-satisfaction that can only be achieved beneath the entire herd when she stampedes.

Vic said...

Whenever I see someone with their toes curling over the ends of their shoes I am so repulsed I have to go lie down somewhere and take healing breaths.

Eric said...

You never see 'those people' abusing the hats though, never the hats... Thus, the awkward news footage is always in an area between the calves and the neck.

DouglasDyer said...

Good Lord, "the tourniquet masquerading as your pants" is the funniest thing I'm going to read for a long time. Hilarious yet depressing.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

awesome post!! Just so funny!! Love it! This should be posted at the entrance of every shopping centre so that those shirts go away even before entering!!

Madame DeFarge said...

I wear in summer what I wear in winter. Which in the UK is really very easy. I just don't wear my raincoat.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Ok... I had to pee after Irish Gumbo's comment

I always thought it would be a cool idea to have clothing that worked on the same principle as the crescent roll tubes...The tube would keep all your shit together and you'd look streamlined and cylindrical..that is until someone bent you over the back of a counter...yeah and then all hell would break loose...

Peace -Rene

Pearl said...

Chris, ooh, that’s a bit disturbing. Roving bands of tiny clothes, is that what you’re thinking?!

Douglas, oh, they MAKE her something, all right!

Irish Gumbo, “Kim Il Thong”. :-D I wish I’d thought of that.

Powdergirl, you are hilarious!

Sweet Cheeks, that’s right up there with the pants’ butts that say “Juicy”. I mean, what does one say?!

Charlotte Anne, thank you! And you keep blaming your having quit smoking – it’s a great excuse for all kinds of behavior. :-D

IB, who knew that the word “mollycoddle” would be so popular?!

iNDefatigable, kinky!

Vic, I just became fully aware of the no-really-I-have-tiny-feet movement. I just don’t understand!!

Eric, good point. Just what is it about hats that are so inherently trustworthy? WHY DO WE BELIEVE OUR HATS?

DouglasDyer, no! Don’t be depressed!! Those pants had it coming!

Roshni, I’m glad you like it!!

Madame deFarge, and how does your raincoat feel about that? Dejected, I’ll bet…

Rene, they DO have those kinds of clothes. When’s the last time you were in a locker room?! Have you seen some of these younger gals come busting out of their jeans?! Good rule of thumb? If the seams of your jeans are imprinted onto your flesh, those pants are too tight!

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

I always say that you can't get out of your house without passing by a mirror. USE IT!
And the sandal? OMFG, gross! Always with the long yellowed toenails too! Eewww!

ICKY said...

Some people really hate their sandals. I saw several men wearing sandals into the restroom in the Las Vegas Airport.
Thats just wrong.

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

Are you following me around, Pearl?
Are you working with Stacy and Clint, in a spy-type manner?

And I thought we were friends.

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

I'll try to go get some new clothes. Just as soon as I lose this weight! :):)

Life As I Know It said...

ha! well done! You should be the next host on What Not To Wear.

suZen said...

Hysterical! and sad.........yeah how about a quick mirror check???? People watching is a writer's foder - you did a fantastic job making her all too real! I'd love to hang out with you at a mall, haha!