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Monday, June 29, 2009

In Case I Should Kill the Ice Cream Man

Do you live near a park? I do; and thanks to the Ice Cream Man and the music/aversion therapy piped, loudly, from his truck, I now associate “It’s a Small World After All” – segue-ing into “Three Blind Mice” – with elevated blood pressure.

Sunday the park was filled with soccer players, their parents, their siblings. And with the sunshine and the children comes the Ice Cream Man.

I was sitting in my living room, thinking blog-like thoughts and eating an industrial-sized taco salad when he came creeping down the street.

I was okay for the first hour, the music, the bleating of the children. “Mom! Mom! Maaaaaaaaaaaah!”

For cryin’ out loud, would someone give that kid a dollar?!

I have nothing against the ice cream guy, honestly. He has a right to make a living. Driving around peddling frozen treats? Hey, we do what we have to do. But announcing it with the repetitive, crazy-making, and distracting electronic tones of the same 16 bars of a song has triggered the irrational and potentially homicidal woman I long suspected lived within me.

I’m off now, on my way out the door to talk to Mr. Ice Cream. I will ask him to turn the music off if he’s going to stay parked in front of my house, appeal to his sense of decency, and buy a couple ice cream treats.

If my appeal to his sense of decency fails, however, I shall have to kill him. It’s nothing personal – he no doubt has friends and family who love him – but if I can trap the jury in a room and play the repetitive 16 bars of music that have been assaulting my ears for the last hour or so at the jury, I think I’ll walk.

27 comments:

Bevie said...

Be careful of that ice cream man. He's been listening to that music a lot longer than you. He might be quite deranged.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I do often wonder what kind of patience is required to listen to that music all day and deal with sugar crazed children...

darsden said...

sumpin about a 40 to 50 year old man..giving kids ice creams gives me the creeps...! Just not right!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

You know, when the Ice Cream Man snaps and goes on a killing spree, he's going to be humming "It's a Small World" while he's bashing someone's skull in with a tire iron.

I can only assume, then, that they'll be playing it in Hell for him when he gets there.

The Retired One said...

Now wait a minute...the post before this one talked about loving summer and all of its trappings and spreading them thru the rest of the year...
hmmmm..maybe the ice cream man could continue thru the park all year round?

kimber p said...

our ice cream dude's truck was stuck playing The Entertainer from that movie The Sting...to this day I can't hear that song and not think of red, white and blue bomb pops and screaming to my mom that I HATE THAT SONG!!!!
So many years later, the ringtone my mom has programmed on her phone is none other than The Entertainer--she gets a shit eating grin on her face everytime someone calls her..

Amber Star said...

So are you in jail or did he turn it off? Inquiring minds and all.

Douglas said...

So many things to comment on...

When I was a wee lad (somewhere around the iron age), the ice cream trucks did not have blaring loudspeakers. They had bells. Jingling bells. They did not play tunes. They simply jingled. And they stopped when the truck stopped. And the ice cream man did not hand you a freezer burned prepackaged cone, he scooped out some ice cream (of your choice of three flavors, usually) onto a cone that was not stale. Or he handed you a Creamsicle or a Popsicle. Or a Good Humor bar. And no one ever wanted to kill him.

As for "It's a Small World", I hate that song. It would take over your mind whenever you went to Disneyland and not leave for weeks afterwards. Especially if you had taken LSD upon arriving at the park.

Probably too much information, huh?

Eskimo Bob said...

He carries around an industrial sized freezer for a reason Pearlie dear; to stuff the bodies.

Good thinking on buying some treats before you criticize him - hopefully that will soften the blow.

Pearl said...

An update: As I approached the truck, my neighbor Gail did as well. She beat me to him, and told him gently but firmly that he could not park outside our houses for this long a period with that speaker going. I thanked her, in view of him, for bringing this up, that that was the same reason that I was in line.
He apologized profusely, saying going forward he would play it for a little bit when he showed up and then would turn it off.

Mmmmmm. The treats were delicious.

Pearl

Vic said...

"Turkey in the Straw". On a never-ending loop. At ten o' clock at night. Our ice cream man is insane.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I think he has enough to bribe you with and 'cool you down'!!

Christy said...

I live near a park too and that thing DRIVES ME BATTY!

Ian Lidster said...

I'd say kill him. We had an ice-cream man who used to do the same thing when he was cruising by the park that we live immediately across from.

The Jules said...

I'm telling my kid the music is only played when when they've run out of ice cream.

Suzy said...

Oh you poor thing! I think you should tell him to stop or die. (I'll help you)

Sticky (just a little) said...

I would vote not guilty! You go, girl!

tentativeequinox said...

Where I work I'm privy to a host of busquers who switch off in half hour intervals.

My wish for busquers is that they change up their material, you know, more than once a decade, because at some point I may not be responsible for my actions if I have to listen to the accordion guy play that Champs Elysees song one more time.

Seriously. You're a musician. Learn some new songs.

Madame DeFarge said...

He's probably a drug dealer. At least that was the cover they used in some parts of Glasgow. Maybe it was just us.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Hey, Ma lives right across the street from a playground...so while we have been in NJ guess what we've been serenaded by every evening...just like kimber "The Entertainer"

Toasted Almond rocks...you have to admit...

Peace - Rene

@eloh said...

Good going Pearl.

Life As I Know It said...

My son was about 5 before he realized the "music truck" also provided ice cream.
We never had to hear it for more than the amount of time it took to drive by our house.

SparkleFarkle said...

Hmmm. Sounds like some positive thinking is in order --the "Send Out Bad Vibes" kind-- to get the job done. Here goes. Repeat this mantra each and every time you're up against that confounded Good Humor music, and direct it toward the ice cream truck driver: Brain freeze!... BRAIN FREEZE!!... BRAIN FREEZE!!! Sooner or later, he'll be aflicked with ONE OF THESE babies. It's definitely not a cure-all, but it might make you feel a smitch better, even if only temporarily. Good luck!

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Chris@Maugeritaville said...

The Good Humor Man meets Dr. Pavlov.

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

Do you know how a famous composer's wife would get him out of bed in the morning? She would play 7 notes of an 8 note scale - do re me fa so la te ___ . It would drive him crazy until he got out of bed to hit that last note. True story. Music is a powerful influence on us - even bad music.

Blake had that CD Beethoven's Wig - it's really funny, but I had that song going through my mind - "Can can can you do the can can, if you can then I can" endlessly. 5 years later, any time I need to get a song out of my head, that does the trick for me! Great - there it goes again....

Unknown Mami said...

Your defense will most definitely be: justifiable homicide.