If one is to gather their social cues from the television – and why would the television lie to us? – one will see that a show of sincerity involves the lifting of one’s eyebrows.
Behold! Full grown adults believing that raising their eyebrows will induce the educated folk on the bench to dismiss their lousy demeanor, the sworn testimony of others, and the witnesses’ input because they’ve put on the face they believe says “But look at me! I’m innocent!”
Who? Me? Training puppies to shoplift? Oh, no, Judge. (Insert palms-up supplication and a raised-eyebrows display of blamelessness here.)
As a former court reporter – and a former trailer park denizen – I’m fascinated by criminal behavior; and my recent bout with of ill health (also known as Fun-B-Gone) left me with lots of time to watch Judge Judy, Judge Jeannine Pirro, Judge Alex, and any other black-robed doofus with a degree and an afternoon time slot.
Who? Me? Pre-school narcotics smuggling? (Eyebrows shift upward and disappear into hairline.)
Who? Me? I’m gonna be honest with you, Judge… (Insert wide-eyed show of purity here.)
By the way? That’s got to be one of my favorite lines: “I’m gonna be honest with you, Judge.”
He’s gonna be honest with the judge now. Good man! He swore to tell the truth 20 minutes ago, and now he’s going to be honest. Carry on, you worthy SOB! I can’t wait to hear what you say next.
The bleached-toothed grinning heads on the television have finally gotten to me; and I’m about to do something I’ve never done before.
I’m turning it off.
Frankly, I’m a little nervous. The TV and I have been going together for most of my life. It was there when I got stood up in high school. It doesn’t care if I watch drunk.
For cryin’ out loud, people, the TV knows what I look naked!
I am now taking suggestions with what to do with my evening hours (and please try to keep it clean – you know who I’m talking to).
What’s to become of me?
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