I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Well To Be Totally Honest With You, Judge…

If one is to gather their social cues from the television – and why would the television lie to us? – one will see that a show of sincerity involves the lifting of one’s eyebrows.

Behold! Full grown adults believing that raising their eyebrows will induce the educated folk on the bench to dismiss their lousy demeanor, the sworn testimony of others, and the witnesses’ input because they’ve put on the face they believe says “But look at me! I’m innocent!”

Who? Me? Training puppies to shoplift? Oh, no, Judge. (Insert palms-up supplication and a raised-eyebrows display of blamelessness here.)

As a former court reporter – and a former trailer park denizen – I’m fascinated by criminal behavior; and my recent bout with of ill health (also known as Fun-B-Gone) left me with lots of time to watch Judge Judy, Judge Jeannine Pirro, Judge Alex, and any other black-robed doofus with a degree and an afternoon time slot.

Who? Me? Pre-school narcotics smuggling? (Eyebrows shift upward and disappear into hairline.)

Who? Me? I’m gonna be honest with you, Judge… (Insert wide-eyed show of purity here.)

By the way? That’s got to be one of my favorite lines: “I’m gonna be honest with you, Judge.”

He’s gonna be honest with the judge now. Good man! He swore to tell the truth 20 minutes ago, and now he’s going to be honest. Carry on, you worthy SOB! I can’t wait to hear what you say next.

The bleached-toothed grinning heads on the television have finally gotten to me; and I’m about to do something I’ve never done before.

I’m turning it off.

Frankly, I’m a little nervous. The TV and I have been going together for most of my life. It was there when I got stood up in high school. It doesn’t care if I watch drunk.

For cryin’ out loud, people, the TV knows what I look naked!

I am now taking suggestions with what to do with my evening hours (and please try to keep it clean – you know who I’m talking to).

What’s to become of me?


darsden said...

Pearl I too have been quilty of those shows...learnt (lol) a lot of newz words from them! I too turned it off. Hurts my brains to hear all that crap o la...(hey bob) what to do what to do...hmmmm stalk the number 10 ;-)

darsden said...

Dang thats been happening a lot.. it's like I am stalking your or sumpin' that I keep being No. ONE...LOL

darsden said...

arrrggghhh now I'm no. 2 chit just chit

darsden said...

third time...yep that's me the charm...

mbuna53 said...

Indoor frisbee golf? Skydiving? Form a cabal? The sky's the limit!

Ms Sparrow said...

Sorry you're still sick. I have been at the point in recuperating where I couldn't stand TV anymore. I turned to crossword puzzles. Now I admit it takes more energy than watching TV, but it makes you feel a better to know your brain still functions!

Bex said...

aaah, one's relationship with the television is a beautiful thing.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Oh, oh, you could read my book.

Oh, right. It's not been picked up yet. Never mind.

*heavy sigh*

CSY said...

I went thru the SAME thing with MY tv last week...I was laid up in bed sick as a freaking DAWG! NOT. PRETTY. I turned my tv to the music station and drifted off to sleep listening to some silly kiddie song. The dream it gave me was SUPER SCARY!

powdergirl said...

I'm not big fan of TV. But if I'm gonna watch, it'll be something about the crazy people, serial killers, stalkers, the crazier the better.
It's a bit sick, but I'm fascinated by the freaks!
So if you're quitting the tube, maybe a little more gardening?
Walking with the G-friends while forming
a plot for world domination?

darsden said...

powdergirl...have you met me :-) I would fit right in!

elohssanatahw said...

You could gather up all your unused cosmetic and personal hygiene stuff and line it up on the table like a surgeon getting ready for the big one, like separating Siamese twins.

Then set about to use all that crazy facial and odd smelling hair stuff on yourself or maybe the neighbors cat.

Go for the Garbo in all of us.

erin said...

Read a book you heeb!

Eskimo Bob said...

Pearl -

Start an Interpretive Dance Studio; that's been my dream.

"Be. The. Tree."

(Tears welling up)

"Now - be the Moon - and Neil Armstrong is walking on you for the first time."

Sweet Cheeks said...

Bust out the board games Pearl!

You know how long it's been since you killed Liza Bean in that last game of Foreign Language Scrabble...when you totally scored 2118 points with that Italian word:

I had to look it up...

It means to sob.

Which is what Liza Bean did when you won.

Google it. It's there.

Kisses Honey!

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...


Duh. ;)

powdergirl said...

Step on up to the crazy plate, lady.
We're battin' a thousand, and stalking millions more.

bearer of three said...

hmm..i would write some more blogs..i like to research a whole bunch of things so i recommend that...watch some movies...and i like reality tv..its just weird to see what people would do to shine or be noticed..or read a nice book...

Chris said...

I prefer the time-honored "raise one eyebrow to show sarcasm" approach.

Douglas said...

I don't watch much TV, just...

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
The Unit
My Name is Earl
The Mentalist
Saving Grace
The Closer
Criminal Minds

A number of shows on History, Military Channel, History International, TLC, Discovery, and a few others. And I tend to haunt TCM for old movies.

But other than that...

Aria said...

Just like Meredith Viera on Today, who I can barely watch cause incessant "honesty" eyebrow flapping first think in the morning makes me queasy and I can't drink my coffee...

lizspin said...

I clicked that remote off a good long time ago. . . doesn't blogging take up all your spare time????

GutsyWriter said...

I'm going to be HONEST with you, I never watch TV. Ahhm, Ahhm. OK, let me be HONEST with you. I only watch American Idol.

Madame DeFarge said...

Take up flower arranging. I suggest you don't try it in neighbours' gardens, otherwise they may arrest you. They just don't appreciate the artistic impulse.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

OMG!! I watched Judge Judy once and swore, never again!!
You have to widen your eyes and form your mouth in an O-shape to extract the maximum 'innocence' out of yourself!!

Sucharita Sarkar said...

Ah, the power and prevarication of the raised eyebrow!!! What a lovely analysis on that super-facial subject. Switching off the TV is no hardship actually, books are better by far. At least, they don't waggle their bushy brows at you.

The Jules said...

One word.


mapstew said...

Hey Pearl, thanks fer droppin' by. See ya soon. Must sleep.

Pearl said...

Dar, you crazy little bugger you. :-D

Mbuna, I suck at Frisbee! I have skydived – once was good! Maybe more yoga?

Ms Sparrow, I do enjoy a good crossword puzzle and have a big ol’ book here…

Bex, I wonder how my TV’s gonna take it…

iNDefatigable, I would read it if it was out!

CSY, I can only imagine what kind of dream you had, sick and drifting off to a kiddie song!

Powdergirl, I’m afraid you and I are on the same page here.

Elohssanaatawh (dammit! I’m gonna memorize how to spell that eventually!), that’s a very interesting suggestion. I’m worried about you. We should talk. You bring the beer, and bring a lot of it. We may be up all night. :-D

Erin, but I tend to read in the tub!

Eskimo Bob, you freak. :-D If only you knew how often “interpretive dance” comes up for me.
Really, one must live one’s art, don’t you think?

Sweet Cheeks, now THAT is one helluva word! Those crazy Italians!
Liza Bean’s been terribly snuggly lately. I think she’s buttering me up for something.

The Devil’s Daughter in Law, I could devote more time to my blog, it’s true; and there’s never enough time to visit other blogs…

Bearer of Three, I like the researching idea.
Reality TV has really gotten strange. I always wonder… Like Bret Michael’s Rock of Love – what do those girls’ parents think? Can you imagine turning on the TV and seeing your sister or someone you went to high school with?!

Chris, it has served me well.

Douglas, that’s not much…
Family Guy
30 Rock
Kath and Kim (you love it or hate it)
Park and Rec
The Office
That might be it, aside from various crap that I don’t “watch” but is on while I vacuum and whatnot..

Aria, I have the same reaction to Diane Sawyer.

Lizspin, you’d think it would take all my time, wouldn’t you?! A good day, though, I can write my blog in 25 minutes – on a bad day (like when I’m sick or hungover or feeling down) it takes about four hours…

GutsyWriter, I’m glad I have not picked up that particular bug. There’s a big group at work that knows everything about it, but I just can’t work up an interest!

Madame deFarge, well now there’s an interesting idea! I actually did walk the park today, picking up candy wrappers and a couple of paper plates. Pigs.

Roshni, I must practice that face. :-D

Sucharita Sarkar, excellent point. I have a nice stack of books ready to be read but need to find a comfortable spot (other than the bathtub!) to read…

Jules, nice. :-D

Mapstew, love your picture. It makes me thirsty.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Afghans, Pearl, crochet lots and lots of afghans...and jaunty little hats for Liza Bean...and cozy's for the toilet paper...y'know the ones that look like little poodles...and little aprons for the dish soap, but not the ones that look like french maid outfits because they look slutty... and if there is one thing I cannot stand, it's slutty dish soap.

But then there is always blogging...

Peace - Rene

ICKY said...

My favorite testimony is the mysterious dude defense ( thank you Pearl).
Wherein the defendant, who was caught red handed (with stolen goods, drugs, black market puppies, or what have you) responds to the question "where did you get said booty?"
With an enthusiastic, "I'unno...some dude...". In hopes that they will be set off scott free. I wonder if that really works?

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I'm sorry, Pearl, but even under the influence of Fun-B-Gone, I am going to have to give you demerits for watching this nonsense. Demerits that add up to you and Liza Bean Biter sitting around eyeing each other fretfully, neither one of you sure what the other or yourselves will do next.

You're doomed.

I will spare you these demerits if you promise me that you will start watching Lost, 24, and American Idol's big Finale in a couple weeks. Just because, if I was a Judge, I'd be lenient and cool like that. ;-)

fingers said...

You need to break up the legal soap opera marathon with some Jerry Springer...

Moggs Tigerpaw said...

I have got to admit that I am pretty ambivalent towards tv. If I am not actively watching I tend to just turn it off.

I set the satellite box of tricks to record stuff that I think I might be interested in and watch it when I can find the time, or not and delete it.

I catch the news when I have dinner. I manage to fit in 30 mins tv apart from that last night. I spend more time on the computer visiting second life, also or reading.

As for courtrooms... Call me cynical but my bet is a number of guilty people get weeded out because the evidence is not "beyond a reasonable doubt" before they ever get to court.

Douglas said...

Pearl, I see distinct patterns to our TV choices...

Icky, the "some dude" defense is eerily similar to the "coupla beers" response to the cop's question of "How much have you had to drink tonight, sir?"

The Retired One said...

I can't bear to watch any of those Judge shows...the people are so stupid and crass I want to kill them.
Oh wait, then I guess I would be before a Judge then, wouldn't I?
Me? Kill them?? (Looking up at the sky)