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Thursday, May 7, 2009

We’ll Always Have “Angel Heart”

By the time I had reached home, the TV had worked itself into a righteous, vigorous anger.

Apparently word had reached it – and I’m not blaming anyone specific here but I do strongly suspect my laptop, a sleek sexy bit of an appliance who can’t keep her damn lid closed – that I would no longer be spending time in front of the TV, butt planted, mouth open.

The TV was angry; and for reasons I still don’t understand, smelled slightly of stale cigarettes.

“Is it the screen? Huh? What? ‘Cause I’ve got a scratch? ‘Cause I don’t know from HDTV?”

“It’s not that…”

“What? I’m not big enough for you, Miss High-and-Mighty? Is that it? You think because you’ve a tub and a shower that you’re too big for the primetime line-up?”

“Hey, I never said…”

“Oh, save your breath, Miss I-Never-Heard-of-Him-Who-Is-This-Maury-Povich-Person! I know what you watch! You hear me? I know what you watch!

“Hey, now. There’s no need to –“

“Tell it to the Marines, okay? Where’s the thanks, huh? Should I tell all your brainy friends about your Tetris addiction?”


“Ha! You think I don’t remember that? You think I don’t remember you and your Nintendo? Hours and hours of Mario Brothers? Of Tetris? How you’d play until you swore the city’s skyline had gaps in it you thought you could fill in if the right piece ever came down?”

My face burned with shame.

The TV laughed cruelly. “Thought I’d forgotten that, didn’t you?”

“Look, that was a long time ago.”

The TV laughed again, his power indicator fever-red. “I don’t need your crap,” he spat. “I had a life, you hear me? I had a life before you!”

I lost control of myself. “You didn’t! You had no life! I paid for you! I paid for you and I dusted you and I moved you every single time I moved! Do you hear me?”

I burst into tears. “You think this is easy? You think I don’t still care for you? It’s just gotten dirty! I feel cheap! I have a callus from using the remote! The middle cushion on the couch has a Pearl’s-butt-shaped dent in it! If I’m not careful – oh, God! I’m going to end up watching Fox News!

The full horror of the situation hit me at that moment; and I fell on to the ground in front of the TV, sobbing.

The TV made staticky, cooing noises.

“Movies, maybe? You’ve been promising Ma you’d watch the first season of Heroes for almost two years now. Maybe we could do that? Huh? The Dune movies? What about the Lord of the Ring Trilogy? I just hate to lose you.”

I sat up, wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if we can be friends. We’ll just have to take it one day at a time.”

The TV began to hum the theme song from “One Day at a Time”.

I shook my head, repulsed.

He’ll never change.


Lisa said...

its official- i love you pearl xx

mbuna53 said...

They can be sneaky, crafty devils those televisions. They know what you like to watch and how to tempt you. Stay strong Pearl.

SparkleFarkle said...

I am remotely aware of your situation. *suddenly leaves blog comment box to click on the TV*

Bevie said...

You start watching Fox News and we're going to have to organize an intervention.

Personally, I'm rather fond of old Addams Family shows, and British sitcoms. Think of it as video nicarette.

CSY said...

You know, your laptop should know better. She was just trying to cause friction in the house and you let her! How could you?!?!?

The Grandpa said...

Do uyou have any idea how many MASH reruns you're going to miss, not to mention Friends?

darsden said...

Pearl step away from the meds..you are starting to hear voices and holding a conversation with a turned off TV. Blaming your laptop woman what is wrong with you..you don't want her to go on strike do ya...then what would we all do! I ask please for the love of all electronics step away and just say NO.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Get him a nice cabinet to sit in...and then slowly CLOSE THE DOOR!!!

Eskimo Bob said...

"I sat up, wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt."

This line made me 'guffaw' - which hardly happens. Best post yet.

giantspeckledchihuahua said...

time for a vacation? leave the TV at home...

elohssanatahw said...

Oh Pearl, I envy the quiet. My son runs CSPAN all day and all night. I know frightening things going on in our government RIGHT NOW. Grant it not everyone can have someone that in unable to do anything BUT watch TV. . .but oh for the days of the Beverly Hillbilly marathons. I must say that the music that is played during lag times in the Senate is pretty good.

When you get really really bored, hold a mirror up to my name, then do as you please. It will save you having to memorize my poo poo.
Which the mere thought that you would made my head swell up till my eyes leaked.

Jeff said...

"Angel Heart" was a great movie, and probably contained less fiction than FauxNews.

Chris said...

Loved the line about filling in the city's skyline. You're extremely clever, ya know that? Good work.

powdergirl said...

Pearl, don't you put up with any of that rabbit eared(figuratively speaking)has-beens shit! You hear me?
You were looking for a hobby when you found that one, and you can find another, less abusive but equally mind/ass numbing outlet for your affections, like THAT.
(snap of fingers)
Sorry, sensitive topic for me. I once had a similar relationship with a blender who took to sucking all the tequila out of margarita's before I could even get them into an elegant piece of stemware.
Man, was that bad-boy nasty when I brought in the magic bullet.
It pains me deeply to hear of good women in bad appliance relationships.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Very clever. And scarily familiar... I second Ma's endorsement for Heroes - but don't let your TV know...you can watch a lot of shows on the computer now...

The Jules said...

As many a lady has told me, often through tears of recrimination and bitter regret, it's all about width.

Got to be at least 40" these days.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

"oh, God! I’m going to end up watching Fox News!”

Love it. TV's evil, yes, very evil. You can't turn your back on it for a second.

mapstew said...

All you have to do is feed it regularly. What else but T.V. DINNERS!

Sad! I know!

I'm leaving now.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Wow. Your TV and I have the same taste in movies. How...unsettling.

Tami said...

Okay..that whole Tetris thing? I did that. I remember going to see a comedian at Knuckleheads at the Mall of AMerica long ago. They had those glass cubes as decor behind the stage. I spent the entire time playing Tetris in my head with those glass cubes and heard nothing the comedian said.

So the jist of this is...you're giving up TV??? And if so....HOW????

Anonymous said...


That no good TV is lying to you!

Oh sure...it promises you Heroes, and the Lord of the Rings...but once you sit down the remote will suddenly disappear and you will be brainwashed into ordering Space Bags again...remember that mess?!!!

I think the TV needs to be turned around and face the wall for a good week...that'll teach it!


fingers said...

You won't leave.
No one leaves The Firm...

♥ Braja said...

Little prayer for you on my blog...

lisleman said...

good post - yes the internet is replacing TV but I still enjoy some shows including PBS documentaries

I thought only guys had relationships with TV's.

Aria said...

If (on the sly, don't even try to do it online or your laptop will rat you out) you manage to *shhhh purchaseanothertv *shhhh it won't know all your dirty little secrets... keep it quiet though or the one you have now will revolt.

SweetPeaSurry said...

My tele and I have a fantastic rapport! I'll tell you my secret, I have a rolling cart that I put my laptop on, so I can chat, sit on my 'surry butt shaped' cushion and watch tv. I'm BLOODY BRILLIANT! I know ... but don't let it get around!

(I even fold laundry right at that spot, while chatting; while watching tv; while sitting on my buttox!)